Dynamightgiveitamiss No.3: The Incredible Resuscitating Horse Of Jared Leto, Actor

January 23, 2011

As cycling accidents go, this one is beyond shocking. A person of unquestionable horridness (i.e. he’s in a suit and owns a car) drives at speed through an abandoned city at night, yet manages to hit only one of the smug, attention-seeking hipsters who have taken over the roads – and it’s not even the chap on the 20ft bike, whose sheer elevation and lack of agility would probably make him statistically more likely to experience the full brunt of Evil Man’s Lexus.

Thankfully, though, The Incredible Resuscitating Horse Of Jared Leto, Actor, gallops to the rescue – which is just as well, because the felled rider’s pals are too busy feigning alienation to call an ambulance or provide basic first aid.

It’s hipster correctness gone mad. It really is.

Wiser minds than mine have no doubt cogitated over the symbolism that Jared Leto, Actor, has deployed in this pop video for his band 30 Seconds To Mars. For me, however, the hipsters’ scavenger aesthetic is reminiscent of Mad Max Beyond The Thunderdome, and the two-wheeled tattooed denizens are clearly the last remaining people left in a post-apocalyptic downtown LA. Or are they? Look at all those pretty lights in the landscape shots; the power has got to come from somewhere. And where are all the proper cyclists? If the streets were suddenly deserted, most of my friends would probably stage a crit or, in the case of my odder chums, a time trial. But not in the world of Jared Leto, Actor, it seems. Because the truth is that Jared Leto, Actor, wants to enslave competitive cyclists, lock them in a basement, Belleville Rendezvous-style, and have them churning out watts to provide the electricity required for the illumination of his midnight parade of twattishness.

The sad thing is, to judge by the smile on Nicole Cooke’s face as she powers the national grid (seen here on Alex Murray’s Chasing Wheels blog), most of them would probably enjoy it.

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