DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #69, 26.08.05
MONKEY BUSINESS
When it comes to Dyna-monkeying around, there’s no publication that gets into the swing of things more than your favourite Dyna-matic jungle telegraph – but a certain Covent Garden-based entrepreneur could go ape when he finds out a Dynamate has made a cheeky comparison between an amusing photograph of himself and our simian cousins. We’re chimping at the bit to reveal it to you! The anthropoid antics are all part of our caption competition, so before we bring you news of how TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT got on in Great Milton, let’s crack straight on with that familiar picture of PHIL ‘NO NONSENSE’ CAVELL looking knackered amid surroundings of gorilla-friendly greenery. Here comes a load of total gibbonish…
CAP THAT!
Everyone in the famous DYNAMITE! soundproof bunker was hoping our inaugural competition would be a success – and we’re delighted to say your witticisms haven’t disappointed us. The challenge, as regular readers will remember, was to come up with an amusing caption to accompany the photograph of Cyclefit guru PHIL ‘NO NONSENSE’ CAVELL looking the worse for wear. He was snapped at the top of a mountain – but he certainly wasn’t in peak condition! Borrowing a line “spoken” by a chimp in a vintage PG Tips ad with a Tour de France theme, GORDON ‘KEN-A-LIKE’ KENNEWAY suggested: “Avez vous un cuppa?” The witty interplay between La Grande Boucle and Cavell’s resemblance to a primate was not lost on the judges and keen Kenneway gained extra points for sending in a shot from the classic ad that underlines the humorous comparison. You can see the pic when this edition is posted up on the “newsletter” link at http://www.londondynamo.co.uk – and despite what we suggested in the above introduction, Phil himself is also likely to have a chuckle because he came up with exactly the same caption a few weeks earlier. The Covent Garden shop owner is not permitted to enter, so the panel has regrettably decided to ditch Gordon’s entry in case the two are in cahoots. Sorry, pal! Meanwhile, the vagrant motif of PAUL ‘ALL BLUE’ HARKNETT’s choice – “BIIEEEEEG ISSUE!” – was echoed by DAVID ‘SMILER’ NORRIS, who quipped: “‘Scuse me, guv – you couldn’t spare 20p for a cup of tea, couldja?” Mining a similar vein, JOE ‘CHEEKY BEGGAR’ STEGERS came up with: “Any old titanium, any old titanium, any any any old titanium.” But it was his second try that really got the judges chuckling – and with Mrs Dynamite concurring with the panel’s choice, it is our pleasure to announce that Joe has earned himself a puncture repair kit worth a princely £1.75 thanks to this little gem: “Unfortunately, only six dwarves were able to finish the Disney team time trial.” That’s our winner! The final word, however, must go to MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARATT who dispensed with the pithy caption format to send in a truly bizarre yet curiously engaging epic which is here in full: “Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into her side, Chief. We was comin’ back from the island of Tinian to Leyte. We’d just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. Didn’t see the first shark for about a half-hour. Tiger. 13-footer. You know how you know that in the water, Chief? You can tell by lookin’ from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn’t know, was that our bomb mission was so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn’t even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin’ by, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. It was sorta like you see in the calendars, you know the infantry squares in the old calendars like the Battle of Waterloo and the idea was the shark come to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin’ and hollerin’ and sometimes that shark he go away… but sometimes he wouldn’t go away. Sometimes that shark looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a shark is he’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn’t even seem to be livin’… ’til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then… ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin’. The ocean turns red, and despite all your poundin’ and your hollerin’ those sharks come in and… they rip you to pieces. You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don’t know how many sharks there were, maybe a thousand. I do know how many men, they averaged six an hour. Thursday mornin’, Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boson’s mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. He bobbed up, down in the water, he was like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he’d been bitten in half below the waist. At noon on the fifth day, a Lockheed Ventura swung in low and he spotted us, a young pilot, lot younger than Mr. Hooper here, anyway he spotted us and a few hours later a big ol’ fat PBY come down and started to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened. Waitin’ for my turn. I’ll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went into the water. 316 men come out, the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb.” After getting through that, we feel as old as Phil looks!
A RIDE OLD STATE
On a more serious note, the Dyna-management is keen to remind everyone to go safely on the Parkride following the club’s most unfortunate Saturday for many months. A touch of wheels early on in the third group resulted in a snapped frame plus a few cuts, so please remember to ride predictably, keep to your line, and refrain from disrupting the pace by revving off the front. That’s the lecture over! In an unrelated incident, the impatient driver of a black Vauxhall brought down JONATHAN STACEY – but thankfully he managed to escape relatively unscathed. Let’s hope the cops get him, buddy!
NO DUC-ING OUT
Finally, we’re on to the racing! Gutsy TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT put in a determined effort at the John and Duccie Walker E/1/2/3 race in Great Milton on Sunday which proved he isn’t willing to go easy during the final few weeks of the season. The feisty elite got in a break of five within ten minutes of the gun, only to be reeled in an hour later – but he managed to stay in the front group of 15 or so riders after the bunch split on the final lap and he took 8th in the relatively flat finish. Nice one! And GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL didn’t care that he was out of the running for a place – he simply won the sprint in the second group for the sheer hell of it. That’s the spirit! At roughly the same time, JUSTIN ‘GO GET HIM’ SIMS took 4th in the bunch sprint at Goodwood, giving him 7th overall in the 80km 3rd cat contest without any help from a single Dynamate. Why was he the lone ‘Mo? Because almost all of his category 3 chums were finishing somewhere in the bunch at the 3rds and 4ths race in Great Milton! Astute ANDREW STRONGE, who was one of the riders swamped in the 70-strong gallop for the line, used the event as a warm up for this year’s final Crystal Palace meet on Tuesday which saw him come 6th in the 3/4 race behind 2nd-placed SAM ‘SLAM DUNK’ HUMPHESON. The Hampton Wick worker’s former colleague WARRICK ‘SPEEDY’ SPENCE finished 2nd behind Bryan Taylor in the E/1/2 competition – and thanks to a successful season, compact mechanic Sam will be joining the pony-tailed point-gobbler in the same race next year. We bet he can’t wait!
IT’S GONE FURRY ‘NUFF
We’re all marmoset to go, which means it’s time to thank you once again for all your contributions and to remind you we’ll be back for more primate playfulness in just seven days. Until then, please remember that we are a furry little lemur who would be nothing without you, our silver-backed gorilla. So please keep Dyna-mailing your news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘RHESUS’ BUIST to news@londondynamo.co.uk – or simply hit your reply button if you are reading this on e-mail. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as we swing off on a vine, it only remains for us to remind you about…
THIS WEEK’S RIDES
SATURDAY
The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate, 9am. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.
SUNDAY
Hampton Court bridge, 9am for Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and your natural habitat.
WEDNESDAY
Richmond Gate, Richmond Park, 7:30pm. Five laps of the park at race pace.
So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.
The DYNAMITE! team.
THE SMALL PRINT
THURSDAY, AUGUST 11 – PROPERTY LETTING AGENCY SERIES 17, MILTON KEYNES BOWL, 3/4/W/J, 52KM: 1 Nicholas Jones (Team Keyne); 2 Jon Wager (unatt); 3 GUY ANDREWS (LONDON DYNAMO); 4 Owen Davies (Team Keyne); 5 Tyrone Morgan (unatt); 6 Peter Milligan (Bicester Millennium); 7 Carl Bullingham (Giro); 8 Alistair Brown (unatt); 9 Jake Elston (Ashwell); 10 Boris Mueller (unatt).
SUNDAY, AUGUST 21 – JOHN AND DUCCIE WALKER ROAD RACES, GREAT MILTON, E/1/2/3, 120KM: 1 Rob Hurd (Bioagrico-Fabelec Selexion) 2 Roy Chamberlain (Team Milton Keynes); 3 Paul Crook (Angliasport); 4 Simon Lawn (Sigma Sport); 5 Paul Wilkes (Team Bradgate); 6 Gary Baker (Angliasport); 7 Ben Price (Stilton); 8 TOM HEMMANT (LONDON DYNAMO); 9 Joe Bayfield (AW Cycles); 10 Steve Gibson (Bannatyne CRT); 11 Simon Henley (Team Milton Keynes); 12 William Smythe (Liverpool URT).
SUNDAY, AUGUST 21 – SURREY LEAGUE, GOODWOOD MOTOR CIRCUIT, 3/W/J 80KM: 1 Tarik Djeddour (Kingston Wheelers); 2 Terence Batsford (VC Meudon); 3 Mark Fitzgerald (unatt); 4 Stuart Dood (Team Tor 2000); 5 Gly Ostler (TM Racing); 6 Duncan Amory (Gemini); 7 JUSTIN SIMS (LONDON DYNAMO); 8 Chester Hill (TM Racing); 9 Andrew Daniels (Twickenham); 10 Martin Barker (i-team.co.uk); 11 Richard Groves (TM Racing); 12 Andy Jones (i-team.co.uk).
TUESDAY, AUGUST 23 – CRYSTAL PALACE LEAGUE #18, CRYSTAL PALACE PARK, E/1/2, 30KM: 1 Bryan Taylor (VC Londres); 2 WARRICK SPENCE (LONDON DYNAMO); 3 Julian Clarke (VC Deal); 4 John Sadler (Addiscombe); 5 Scott Bugden (Pearson Cycles) +10secs; 6 Dan Rudd (Edwardes Cycles) +15 secs; 7 Mick Bell (London Fire Brigade); 8 Oscar Challis (Dulwich Paragon); 9 GUY POWDRILL (LONDON DYNAMO); 10 David Jones (Dulwich Paragon); 11 Mr Anne Boorsma (Dulwich Paragon); 12 GUY ANDREWS (LONDON DYNAMO) +1 lap; 12 STUART SPIES (LONDON DYNAMO).
TUESDAY, AUGUST 23 – CRYSTAL PALACE LEAGUE #18, CRYSTAL PALACE PARK, 3/4/W/J, 27KM: 1 Brian Curtis (Corridori); 2 SAM HUMPHESON (LONDON DYNAMO) +10secs; 3 Daneiella Santoni (Lee Valley); 4 Max McCalla (VC Londres); 5 Brian Randall (Sutton); 6 ANDREW STRONGE (LONDON DYNAMO).
THE LAST WORD
“Good tea unites good company, exhilarates the spirits, opens the heart, banishes restraint from conversation and promotes the happiest purposes of social intercourse.”
The DYNAMITE! Files 
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