DYNAMITE! #144, 01.06.07

November 19, 2010

+++ Ventoux joy for Hemmants +++
He’s spent years being a gobby Liam to a much-admired Noel, a teatime Ross senior to a primetime Jonathan, a slapstick Barry Chuckle playing “to me, to you” with an irked Paul – but the ever-determined JOE ‘BLOW’ HEMMANT finally proved that he’s the equal of 1st cat fireball TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT when the sensational siblings crossed the line together on Saturday at Beaumes-De-Venise, giving them the joint fastest Dynamo time at this year’s Ventoux sportive, which included a staggering 3,400 metres of climbing. Kin you believe it, Dynamates? Sadly, 63rd-placed Tom was omitted from the provisional results which appeared in a local newspaper, although the French hacks nevertheless observed a traditional British disregard for spelling by listing a certain “Joe Hemmani” in their coverage of the third Grand Trophee fixture of the season. The brilliant brothers completed the arduous 94.5-mile challenge in just over five hours, with WILL ‘SEE YA’ HAYTER finishing just one second later – and as if having three ‘Mos in the top 70 of an event with 1,300 starters was not impressive enough, the club also walked off with the team prize along with the No.1 spot in one of the age groups. Eager readers who simply can’t wait to learn about the many Dyn-amusing incidents which contributed to the cheer in Provence can take a look at our exclusive photo gallery… http://tinyurl.com/2t2zql …or scroll down to the bottom of this missive, where most of the 27 Dynamo riders are listed according to their place and finishing time. Those of you in less of a Dyna-mad rush should come with us now, as we gaze at the sea of blue, black and orange-clad riders waiting at the start, unaware of the freezing fog awaiting them at the top of the iconic mountain, not to mention the marble-sized hailstones. It’s time to think about donning that gilet…

+++ A foggy climb, then Filbin takes wrong turn to victory +++
Having reasoned that pedalling “piano” was the key to finishing the 94.5-mile Mont Ventoux sportive in one piece, under-the-weather MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT watched TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT, JOE ‘BLOW’ HEMMANT, WILL ‘SEE YA’ HAYTER and DAVID ‘PINKY’ GARDNER disappear up the road from the gun, overtaking hundreds of riders as they began their successful bid to post the four fastest Dynamo times of the event. Wearing one of TERRY BISHOP’s wash-off Dynamo tattoos on his leg, stringy Mart soon found himself wrestling with the beefy Giant of Provence for one-and-a-half hours of solid climbing, most of it at 10 per cent, with the final three miles in fog so thick he could hardly see the wheel in front – but it wasn’t until the first part of the descent that he committed his main error of the day. He explains: “There was a fork in the road just past the Tom Simpson memorial. Myself, JOANNE FILBIN, ANDY CURRY and a few others took the wrong turn, which meant we ended up doing the 56-mile loop instead. The way I was feeling, my body was probably grateful of the reduced distance.” Not half as grateful as Dynamette Joanne, as the diversion lead to her winning the trophy for the women’s 18-34 category and getting embarrassed looks on the podium when the non-English-speaking locals realised she didn’t know a word of French. Quelle horreur!

+++ Youngster Mackay shuns ambulance crew and finishes +++
The DYNAMITE! editorial team were concerned about the fate of Dynamo’s youngest rider when they failed to locate his name on the final results for Ventoux – but according to father figure PAUL ‘ALL-BLUE’ HARKNETT, 15-year-old TOM ‘TIDDLER’ MACKAY managed to finish the gruelling route, despite an ambulance crew’s attempts to throw him in the back of their vehicle because he was freezing and exhausted. An Aussie had crashed in front of Tom within 20 miles of the finish, so the good Samaritan sacrificed his position and time to look after the fallen rider until medical assistance arrived. A commendable effort, sir! Prior to the accident, many Dynamates had raised an eyebrow at the teen’s tan, which was restricted to below the knee thanks to the unusually limited application of self-tanning cream carried out by his girlfriend the previous night. The juvenile’s incident-packed trip ended with him losing his passport and ticket before racing to catch the train at Lille – although it must be pointed out that Paul was to blame, having lost track of the time during a walkabout in town with his young charge and MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT. Doh! The trio made it to the platform right at the last second, as ALEX ‘BUSTED’ BASTIN reveals: “Me and JOANNE FILBIN were stuck at the station with all the bags and bike boxes as the departure time approached. We literally had to chuck the last box into the train on top of all the others as the doors were closing.” Now that’s close!

+++ Harknett’s old butties stay edible +++
Talking of chrome-domed Paul, DYNAMITE! was intrigued to learn that the Brummie’s ride up Ventoux was fuelled by a days-old batch of peanut butter sandwiches which didn’t give him the expected bout of grimpeur’s gut-rot. If there hadn’t been several hundred riders between them, DAVID ‘PINKY’ GARDNER would have looked on enviously at Paul’s home-made sustenance, as the Kent climber was denied his breakfast of choice after customs confiscated a can of baked beans from his luggage. The authorities have yet to confirm if the beans later fell into the hands of the Dutch female pro who repeatedly parped in front of stunned TONY ‘CHUCKLES’ SMEDLEY. They don’t call it the windy peak for nothing!

+++ Peacock accepts prize surrounded by Dynamates +++
We end our coverage of Dynamo’s most successful foreign trip yet with the image of NICK ‘CAPTAIN’ PEACOCK on the podium, surrounded by his fellow ‘Mos, accepting the prize for best-represented team before presenting the gentleman running the presentation with his very own Dynamo gilet. What a way to celebrate Anglo-French relations ahead of the Tour’s London prologue! The marvellous Dyna-moment, which you can view on the gallery link in the opening item of this issue, was a double treat for the club president as he had celebrated entering the BCF’s veteran category a few days earlier. Happy birthday, pal!

+++ There’s not enough space to mention all this week’s race action, but you can still read PAUL ‘MONTY’ DELAHUNTY’s great account of how he and RICHARD ‘WIN ‘EM SIMMONDS got on with the pros at the FBD Insurance Ras in Ireland… http://tinyurl.com/yon297 +++ IAN ‘KING OF’ PAINE bags second win of the season at Crystal Palace E/1/2 race while SAM ‘SLAM DUNK’ HUMPHESON takes 5th and DAVID ‘PINKY’ GARDNER finishes 7th… http://tinyurl.com/2pk379 +++ RICHARD ‘PLACING’ MASON 12th in 1.5-mile time trial and 20th overall in Morecambe Bay E/1/2 two-day stage race – in the same race, DAVID ‘DORIAN’ STREULE is 9th in 31-mile crit and 9th again in Cutmill-esque road stage +++

Exhausted Tom and Joe have been recovering from their epic ride, so we’d like to thank everyone who sent in stuff for this issue as we wait for their simmering rivalry to return. Always remember that we are an irresponsible younger brother and we would be nothing without you, our wise elder siblings. So please keep Dyna-mailing your race reports, news and gossip to the address in the “from” field of this message – or simply hit your reply button. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as Joe gazes enviously at Tom’s Serotta, it only remains for us to remind you about…


9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.

9am: Hampton Court bridge, south side, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and a family tree.

7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride to Chertsey, back via Weybridge, 28 miles.

So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.

The DYNAMITE! team.

The Ventoux Beaumes De Venise, Saturday 26 May, 94.5 mile route: (1 Stephane Rubio, 4:25:28); 63 Tom Hemmant, 5:04:12; 64 Joe Hemmant, 5:04:12; 65 Will Hayter, 5:04:13; 117 David Gardner, 5:19:16; 172 Tom Grinnan, 5:28:20; 191 Rob Jeffroy, 5:31:41; 193 Tony Smedley, 5:31:42; 207 Chris Chapman, 5:34:09; 211 Alex Bastin, 5:34:19; 249 Paul Harknett, 5:45:14; 271 Marcus Schnell, 5:47:23; 273 Dominic Callaghan, 5:47:51; 372 Jamie Jenkins, 6:10:09; 396 Ben Spurrier, 6:14:04; 398 Nick Peacock, 6:14:07; 401 Sam Woodhouse, 6:14:11; 503 Terry Bishop, 6:46:06; 601 Llyr Wynn Jones, 7:29:46; 607 Phil Smart, 7:35:59. 56 mile route: (1 Stephane Leblanc, 3:07:22); 57 Martin Garratt, 3:36:33; 97 Andy Curry, 3:48:09; 216 Paul Tappin, 4:23:08; 280 Joanne Filbin, 4:53:26 (1st, women’s 18-34 category).

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