DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #59, 17.06.05
WHO’S BEST
It’s a well-known fact that the DYNAMITE! team likes nothing more than spending all day reading reams of brilliant Dynamo results spewing from our trusty ticker tape machine before going to bed and nodding off to the soothing drone of our favourite cassette – Sean Kelly’s 1,000 Greatest Eurosport Commentary Moments. We’re usually in the land of nod before he’s even got to the first “Oi-talian” on the Stelvio! This week, however, cycling matters have taken a back seat to the finest time-travelling saga ever to grace the early evening BBC schedules as we gear up to celebrate its nail-biting conclusion. That’s right, Dynamates – Mrs Dynamite has got her Rose Tyler Union Jack T-shirt on and we’re wearing our black leather jacket with matching jeans to get in the mood for Saturday’s final Doctor Who episode, in which the identity of the mysterious Bad Wolf will finally be revealed. Ladbrokes are taking bets on it being KEN BUIST! This edition of your favourite Dynamatic update will be travelling forward in time to Dynamo’s summer social on Thursday, June 30th, which promises to be even more incredible than the end of the World party in the year five billion – but for now, let’s twist the dials back 16 years and hurtle back in the famous blue police box to the startling conclusion of a mid-80s Surrey League race. Here comes that famous “WAH-oo, WAH-oo” roar…
THE UNKINDEST CUTMILL
The year is 1989. The race is Cutmill. The rider is a plucky 16-year-old who is about to nab a place after many laps on the gruelling course. But as he crosses the line, a mulleted figure by the side of the road shakes his head and writes “DISQUALIFIED” next to the unfortunate junior’s name on his clipboard. It appears this is a seniors-only event, which means the crestfallen teen is not eligible to appear on the finishing sheet. What a travesty! That stern race official was Surrey League bigwig Glyn Durrant and the choked-up youngster was none other than Dynamo’s very own GORDON ‘KEN-A-LIKE’ KENNEWAY – so as you can imagine, the man of the McEwenesque build was baying for revenge as he arrived at Elstead village hall on Sunday morning for the 3rd cat race. But in an event more unfortunate than anything that has ever occurred in the Ockley Triangle, Gordon punctured on the neutralised section near the start and was immediately disqualified yet again. It’s the Curse of Cutmill! In a twist that not even Russell T. Davies could have dreamed up, the DQed Buistean lookalike was still listed as the 36th finisher – but despite the pack splitting in two less than halfway through the undulating race, there was no such bad karma for ROB ‘THE SAINT’ JEFFROY. The hirsute hero bagged 6th place by getting in an early nine-man break that lasted until it passed the chequered flag at the 50-mile mark. So hair’s to you, pony-tailed one! Under the rules of the space-time continuum observed by the Doctor, the universe would explode if Gordon and his double KEN BUIST were in one place at the same time – so it was just as well that Dynamo’s shadowy figure failed to show up for the 2/3 race in the afternoon, even though his name was on the list of pre-entries. But his absence was keenly felt by fatigued 37th-placed GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL, who lamented: “If only Ken had been there, I would have tried that little bit harder.” He’s never around when you need him! Elsewhere in the 74-mile slog, JOE ‘CHEEKY BEGGAR’ STEGERS launched an almighty attack halfway through only to go out the back shortly after, where he was joined by MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT at the bell lap – and so it was left to IAN ‘KING OF’ PAINE to reclaim a bit of Dynamo glory by finishing 12th, even though he had punctured early on. You’re living up to your Dyna-moniker again, pal!
SUS-SPENCE IS OVER
He’s back! Not KEN BUIST, of course, but his countryman WARRICK ‘SPEEDY’ SPENCE, whose bruising from a nasty crash at Palace a couple of weeks ago had healed sufficiently for him to race again on Tuesday. The nifty New Zealander took 7th in the Hillingdon Grand Prix after getting into a successful nine-man break early on in the E/1/2 race – and his former Cyclefit colleague SAM ‘SLAM DUNK’ HUMPHESON came 3rd in the 3/4 support race. Excellent work, fellas! Over at Crystal Palace on the same evening, IAN ‘KING OF’ PAINE nipped into the No.3 spot in the E/1/2 race thanks to GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL, who worked over the bunch by getting them to chase down his solo Jacky Durand-style breakaway for 10 laps. Excellent teamwork, gentlemen! We would have congratulated GAVIN ‘NO LYIN’ RYAN for coming 2nd in the 3/4 race if all the results apart from Kirk Jenns’ win were not “subject to review” – but Dynamettes ZOE ARTHUR and TANYA PERRETT put these titchy crits into perspective by polishing off their first half ironman triathlon at Weymouth in 5 hours and 44 minutes. Well done, ladies!
SOCIAL SERVICES
Finally, we bring news from the double-sized desk of metaphorically conjoined social secretaries PAUL ‘ALL BLUE’ HARKNETT and NICK ‘BOMBSHELL’ PEACOCK. The Dynamatic duo are inviting everyone along to The Guinea pub in Bruton Street W1 on Thursday, June 30th for a drink or seven. This could be the opportunity KEN BUIST has been looking for to resurface! E-mail Paul at pharknett@brownharknett.com to let him know you’re coming and shove this link into your browser for the location of the boozer: http://www.streetmap.co.uk/newmap.srf?x=528805&y=180752&z=0&sv=W1J+6NR&st=2&pc=W1J+6NR&mapp=newmap.srf&searchp=newsearch.srf. You’d be Dyna-mad to miss it!
EXTERMINATED
The preposterous plunger-armed pepper pots have been vanquished, and the Dalek-table Mrs Dynamite has set the controls of the TARDIS for the morning of Friday, June 24th. That’s when the next edition of this humble organ will appear on your puny planet, earthlings. Until then, please remember that we are a slightly batty Tom Baker and we would be nothing without you, our thoroughly modern Christopher Eccleston. So please keep Dyna-mailing your news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘FACE OF BOE’ BUIST to news@londondynamo.co.uk – or simply hit your reply button if you are reading this on e-mail. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as Captain Jack shakes another cocktail, it only remains for us to remind you about…
THIS WEEK’S RIDES
SATURDAY
The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate, 9am. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.
SUNDAY
Hampton Court bridge, 9am for Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and a sonic screwdriver.
WEDNESDAY
Richmond Gate, Richmond Park, 7:30pm. Five laps of the park at race pace.
So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.
The DYNAMITE! team.
THE SMALL PRINT
SUNDAY, JUNE 12 – CUTMILL, 2/3/J/W, 74 MILES: 1 Steve Calland (Norwood Paragon); 2 Lewis Atkins (Glendene); 3 Yves Milliere (Kingston Wheelers); 4 David Creeggan (VC Meudon); 5 Geoffrey Lulham (Evans Cycles); 6 Justin Lomas (Norwood Paragon); 7 Gavin Morton (Charlotteville); 8 Mark Sussex (Tunbridge Wells); 9 Sean Kilroy (Glendene); 10 Mark Jarvis (Python); 11 Michael Gardner (Glendene); 12 IAN PAINE (LONDON DYNAMO); 13 David Kennett (Fit-For); 14 Brendan Heaslip (Kenton); 15 Jonny Torres (Team Sport and Publicity); 16 Keith Jarrett (i-team.co.uk); 17 Luke Anderson (poshbikes.com); 18 Colin McDermott (Festival); 19 Ashley Lambert (agiskoviner.com); 20 Astephen Atfield (Bournemouth Jubilee); 21 Daniel Fortunov (Reading); 22 Phil Jones (Dulwich Paragon); 23 JUSTIN SIMS (LONDON DYNAMO); 24 Mr Anne Boorsha (Dulwich Paragon); 25 James McManus (Gemini) 26 DARREN MINSHALL (LONDON DYNAMO); 27 James Foster (Willesden); 28 Nigel Brooks (Essex Roads); 29 Keir O’Donnell (Beyond Mountain Bikes); 30 David McNamara (Fenland Clarion); 31 Edgar Medallin (Team Sport and Publicity); 32 Graham Wood (Crawley); 33 Dean Kinnerley (unatt); 34 Paul Tucker (Oxford University) 35 Simon Latimer (Team Lichfield) 36 Daniel James (Team Axiom); 37 GUY POWDRILL (LONDON DYNAMO)
The DYNAMITE! Files 
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