London Dynamo Newsletter #21, 20.08.04
WAY OUT IN FRONT
A typical day in the darkened Newsletter info-bunker consists of keeping an eye on the brilliant results spewing out of the Dynamo ticker tape machine while watching Sean Kelly: King Of Comedy on DVD, which means that occurrences in the real world often pass us by. This week, however, an event has come along to burst our bubble of cycling silliness and make us realise what’s really important in life. We’re talking, of course, about National Cleavage Week. Would it be remiss to ignore such an important cultural milestone? Of corset would – so we’ll do our very breast to pay homage to it in this edition of Dynamatic reportage. It’s chest a bit of fun and although there are bound to be a few outraged readers, their complaints will simply be a storm in a D-cup. Now where did we put that enormous bra…
NAMED AND SHAMED
He’s been known as Hemant, Hemnaun and been famously reduced to a mere Remnant – and now TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT, the rider who has had more misspelled entries on this season’s results sheets than any other Dynamate, has suffered the ultimate syntactical indignity. Hillingdon’s organisers spelled his name as G-U-Y A-N-D-R-E-W-S on last week’s list of finishers in the E/1/2/3 race and the Newsletter made a right tit of itself when we reprinted their boob in our Small Print section. That’s write out of order! As Tom’s housemate CHRIS ‘CHADDERS’ CHAPMAN points out: “Guy was given 11th place – even though he pulled out on the last lap so he wouldn’t get involved when the elbows started to fly.” We apologised to Dynamo’s quiet man – but the point-gobbling star, who is often chided by style-conscious Captain Mainwaring for riding a “shonky” Ribble, claimed: “I’m proud to be mistaken for the cycling legend that is Guy Andrews. I think the reason they mistook me for him is because my bike looks very similar to his Merckx.” He’s not going to like that, pal! Hopefully the Hillingdon crew won’t make the same mistake when they issue the results for this week’s race, which saw Tom put in another awesome performance. ‘GENTLEMAN’ JOHN OLDGIDGE, who managed to get away a couple of times in the same race, revealed: “Tom did a great ride, getting away in a three-man break with Tony Gibb. They managed to lap the field and Tom was 3rd.” What a way to end the series!
A BONG TIME COMING
The sun set quite literally on the last Tuesday race of the season, with Tom and John crossing the line in almost total darkness – but Goodwood celebrated a brave new dawn just a couple of days before as ‘BIG’ BEN PURCELL chimed onto the racing scene with a mighty bong. The Cannondale-riding debutante, who has been a familiar face on the Surrey hills ride for quite some time, clinched 4th in his very first race by hurtling through the precarious right-hand side of the chicane on the final lap as a group of unlucky riders hit the turf. Clock a load of that! Hirsute hero ROB ‘THE SAINT’ JEFFROY also grabbed his ticket to category 3 by coming in two places behind Ben in the 52KM contest. And there was more Dynamagic in the E/1/2 race as TOM HEMMANT romped home in 7th place despite puncturing after PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN gapped him off into the break. Dynamo’s race secretary was in a second split with his best buddy RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT – and Paul reveals: “Everyone packed bar me and Russell. He did a last lap solo to finish 100 metres ahead of me. I let him go, thinking I’d catch him. Doh – that little tinker!” You’ll get him next time, pal!
THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES
We’ve had the bust time ever reading and compiling all your tit-bits, but unfortunately it’s time for us to cover up our huge assets. We’ll be back next week – so until then, remember that we are a gorgeous, pouting Jordan, but we would be considerably inconvenienced without you, our sturdy over-the-shoulder boulder holders. So please keep sending us your news, gossip, and further sightings of enigmatic glamourpuss KEN ‘BUSTY’ BUIST to news@londondynamo.co.uk. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as a footballer chats us up in an Essex nitespot, it only remains for us to remind you about…
THIS WEEK’S RIDES
SATURDAY
The Parkride. Richmond Park, Roundabout by Sheen Gate, 9am. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups. Anyone who wants to lead a group should leave a message at http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/forum/viewforum.php?f=21.
SUNDAY
Hampton Court bridge, 9am for Surrey Hills ride. 50ish miles at a steady pace. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and a copy of Breaking Distances: A Guide For Elderly Policemen by JOE STEGERS.
WEDNESDAY
Richmond Gate, Richmond Park, 7:30pm. Three fast laps.
So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.
London Dynamo Newsletter.
THE SMALL PRINT
SUNDAY, AUGUST 15, SURREY LEAGUE GOODWOOD RACES, E/1/2, 80KM: 1 Paul Pickup (Liphook Cycles); 2 Simon Brooks (VC St Raphael); 3 Graham Wood (Team Luciano); 4 Steve Ferguson (Team Maestro); 5 Jason Edwards (Tunbridge Wells); 6 Russell Page (SP Systeams); 7 TOM HEMMANT (LONDON DYNAMO); 8 Robin Didymus (Principia); 9 Simon Smith (Comedy Superteam); 10 Vince Halpern (Twickenham) 11 Tim Costello (Southdown Velo); 11= Jeff Baird (Twickenham); 11= Richard Pearman (Team Axiom); 11= Mark Pettit (Freerider); 11= Mark Sussex (Tunbridge Wells); 11= Adrian Goatley (Freerider); 11= John Scripps (VC Londres); 11= Dave Roberts (East Grinstead); 11= Richard Heathcote (I-team.co.uk); 11= Ian Donohue (Team Axiom); 21 Jimmy Finch (unatt); 22 Liam Terry (Southdown Velo); 23 RUSSELL SHORT (LONDON DYNAMO); 24 PAUL CALLINAN (LONDON DYNAMO); 25 Kevin Blann (Team Luciano); 26 Daniel James (Team Axiom); 27 Pete Moore (SP Systeams).
4/W/J, 52KM: 1 Toby Goodchild (unatt); 2 Driss Jones (VC Etoile); 3 Andy Jones (I-team.co.uk); 4 BEN PURCELL (LONDON DYNAMO); 5 Paul Gosling (Brighton Excelsior); 6 ROB JEFFROY (LONDON DYNAMO); 7 Gareth Dickenson (Team Luciano) 8 Matt Howard (VC Jubilee); 9 Peter Mitchell (VC Jubilee).
The DYNAMITE! Files 
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