London Dynamo Newsletter #22, 27.08.04
MOTOR MOUTH
Like any respectable publication, your favourite weekly journal of all things Dynamatic abides by a strict code of conduct to ensure that nothing in our weekly updates offends you, our sensitive readership. In our last edition, however, we broke our rigidly enforced rule of decorum by mentioning ladies’ breasts, which also earned us a stern ticking off from Mrs Newsletter – and now, in the interests of reporting recent events at a certain motor circuit, we have no choice but to engage in more rudeness. So prepare yourself, startled reader, for a blow-by-blow account of how a highly-esteemed Dynamo member carried out a verbal assault on a rival this week, thus demonstrating that his mouth is filthier than Hillingdon’s bogs. Here comes one of the finest impersonations of Robbie McEwen you’re ever likely to see…
GOODWOOD GRIEF
He’s not just a pretty face, you know! And MARTIN ‘PIN-UP’ WILLIAMSON certainly proved it this week when he got behind the wheel of the Dynamobile to become the club’s unofficial directeur sportif for the day. The chiselled hunk exercised his keen organisational mind to the full when he hired a minibus to drive CHRIS ‘CALAMITY’ CAMPBELL, ‘MEDICAL’ MIKE DEBNEY, PHIL ‘HOOP SHOOTER’ SHEEHAN, RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT and his young pal Triathlon Tom to Goodwood on Sunday. But the delightful Day-namo out in sunny Sussex was to end in a controversial incident. Mike tore the 2/3 race to pieces as part of a nine-man leading group before it was whittled down to five in the closing stages – and as he shot across the line in 2nd place, dockers in nearby Portsmouth were seen to blush as they heard the normally mild-mannered medic explode in a potty-mouthed rage. It turned out that cheeky rival Richard Heathcote from i-team hadn’t been doing his fair share of work during the 80km contest, which meant he was able to get away when he attacked on the first corner of the final lap. What a rotter! So the mad-as-hell medic unleashed his verbal scalpel afterwards, volubly labelling Heatcote an illegitimate child within earshot of the aghast crowd. Nasty! Surrey League’s big fella Keith ‘I’ll Get You’ Butler showed admirable restraint with his mild rebuke, telling Mike: “You’ve every right to be angry, but you shouldn’t have used that sort of language, son.” You tell him, Keith! But fuming Mike was still in a rage as he arrived in the car park, even criticising Heathcote’s ginger colouring as he packed his Giant TCR back into the Dynamobile. Thankfully, the usually level-headed Debney calmed down after the merry band of Dynamates stopped at a garage for snacks on the way back to Roehampton Gate. It’s amazing what a Ginsters pasty can do to ease the pain!
THEY TRI-ED THEIR BEST
Mike’s initial tirade was witnessed by stunned Martin, who was already lying in a state of shock on a grass verge by the side of the track having pulled out halfway through the race. The Weybridge wonder admitted he felt “terrible” – and not too far away, another Dynamo triathlete was also having a spot of bother. Appropriately enough, twin-piston powerhouse GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL had mechanical problems at Sherbourne which forced him to abandon the 1800-strong race. Nevertheless, the swimming sensation was 11th out of the water before disaster struck on the bike leg of the triathlon. He reveals: “The chain kept slipping in the big ring. I had to stop three times to put it back on – then it snapped after about 20 miles. I had to wait two hours to get taken back to the start and nearly died of hypothermia.” Bad luck, mate! Dynamo’s in-house mechanic SAM ‘SLAM DUNK’ HUMPHESON, who narrowly missed out on winning the 3/4 race at Crystal Palace on Tuesday after a thrilling sprint finish, got his team of experts to examine Guy’s Trek. Their verdict? The groupset was completely – ahem – fornicated, as was the seat post clamp which forced him to pull out of the Surrey League champs at Ninfield recently. The Newsletter feels there is a lesson to be learnt here. As RUSSELL SHORT has been known to point out: “Look after your bike, and your bike will look after you.” Wise words, mate!
BOUNCING BACK
It’s when plagued with such bad luck, not to mention bad language, that each of us looks for a clean-cut hero to emerge – and the man to fill that daunting mantle is none other than Dynamo new boy PHIL ‘HOOP SHOOTER’ SHEEHAN. The plucky fella had an off-putting weekend, almost getting thumped as he broke up a domestic which was taking place in the middle of the road and getting propositioned by a lady in a chemically-altered mood who took a fancy to his “lovely thighs”. And that was just on his journey to the Parkride! Then, after what he describes as a “shocking” day at Goodwood, the former basketball player bounced back by bagging 3rd in the 3/4 race at Milton Keynes on Thursday. Nice job, fella! Phil reckons his great result was “thanks to Gary at Cyclefit who tweaked my riding position after I suffered some horrific knee pain.” High praise indeed! You too can find out how our friends in Covent Garden can help you achieve similarly impressive feats by visiting the Macklin Street boutique on Wednesday night at 7pm for a special “meet the sponsors” evening. Find out what a LeWedge is, marvel at some of the most desirable bikes in the world, and ask elder statesman PHIL ‘NO-NONSENSE’ CAVELL exactly why he is now riding a Brompton. Perhaps it’s true what they say: Getting older? Then get a folder!
IT’S HEMM AGAIN!
No edition of the Newsletter would be complete without TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT attempting unsuccessfully to deflect the spotlight away from another of his superb results, so here it goes. Dynamo’s quiet man reveals that Dynamette LUCY DOVE came 5th at the last round of the women’s series at Hillingdon on Friday. That’s lovely stuff! But it cannot disguise the fact that Tom came 4th at the E/1/2 race at Crystal Palace on Tuesday after grabbing 2nd place on Saturday at Benenden in Kent. Tom says of the 120KM 1/2/3 race: “There were 12 of us in a breakaway before we split it to five and then three. On the last lap Steven Gowar turned on the ‘Gowar Power’ and attacked, leaving just two of us who sprinted for second.” Regular readers will be able to guess how this textbook Hemmant report ends. That’s right – the race organisers spelled his name wrong yet again on the finishing sheet. “Hemnant” indeed – they never learn!
MAKING HIS MARK
Plying his trade even more humbly than Tom, MARK ‘NOT TOO FANCY’ ANSTEY has been diligently competing in the Eastway 10-mile time trials all season without once boasting about his efforts to the Newsletter. He finally got round to dropping us a line this week – and we’re glad that he did, because Mark came 1st in the Hitchin Nomads TT on August 15 with a time of 00:59:21. Clock a load of that! Mark admits: “Not a bad result for a bit of sticky morning, especially as I was the only one with normal road wheels.” Don’t let pimpin’ TT master GUY ANDREWS here you say that – he’ll have you splashing out on a pair of Zipps before you know it!
ALL WASHED OUT
After forcing us to wash our mouth out with soap and water, Mrs Newsletter has made us solemnly promise to keep a civil tongue in our head from now on. With a little bit of self-restraint, that’s something we should sodding well be able to achieve. Thanks an effing lot for all your contributions – and remember that while we are a massive you-know-what, we would be nothing without you bunch of c-words. So please keep sending us your news, gossip, and sightings of the elusive KEN ‘BUISTARD’ BUIST to news@londondynamo.co.uk. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as we turn the final page of Roger’s Profanisaurus, it only remains for us to remind you about…
THIS WEEK’S RIDES
SATURDAY
The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout at Sheen Gate, 9am. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups. Anyone who wants to lead a group should leave a message at http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/forum/viewforum.php?f=21.
SUNDAY
Hampton Court bridge, 9am for Surrey Hills ride. 50ish miles at a steady pace. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and a Sherbourne stodger.
WEDNESDAY
Richmond Gate, Richmond Park, 7:30pm. Three fast laps. But, of course, you’ll probably want to join your favourite Dynamates at Cyclefit for their “meet the sponsors” evening. See the forum for full details.
So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.
London Dynamo Newsletter.
THE SMALL PRINT
THURSDAY, AUGUST 15, HITCHIN NOMADS 25 MILE TIME TRIAL: 1 MARK ANSTEY (LONDON DYNAMO) (00:59:21); 2 H Vivian (Finsbury Park); 01:00:11; 3 M McVitty (Zenith); 01:00:21; 4 G Webb (Metropolitan Police); 01:00:49; 5 A Brooks (Crawley); 01:01:15; 6 N Pitt (Icknield); 01:01:27; 7 R Dadswell (Antelope RT) 01:01:43; 8 R Frowen (Banbury Star) 01:01:45; 9 O Goodspeed (Century RC) 01:01:48; 10 N Dymond (Army CU) 01:01:53.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 22, SURREY LEAGUE GOODWOOD RACES, 2/3, 80KM: 1 Richard Heathcote (I-team.co.uk); 2 MIKE DEBNEY (LONDON DYNAMO); 3 Kenton Kirkwood (Kingston Wheelers); 4 Jon Cannings (VC St Raphael); 5 Steve Ferguson (Team Maestro); 6 Toby Neave (Southdown) 7 James McVey (Kingston Wheelers); 8 Robert Stimpson (unatt); 9 Matt Wall (Freerider); 10 Mike Anderson (Team Velo); 24 RUSSELL SHORT (LONDON DYNAMO); 31 PHIL SHEEHAN (LONDON DYNAMO).
SATURDAY, AUGUST 22, SOUTH EAST ROAD RACING LEAGUE, BENEDEN, 1/2/3, 120KM: 1 Steve Gowar (Pacific); 2 TOM HEMMANT (LONDON DYNAMO) +3 mins ; 3 Chris Parlett (Gemini); 4 Steve Skuse (Kingsnorth); 5 Keir Williams (San Fairy Ann); 6 Simon Lawn (Sigma Sport); 7 William Bell (Gemini); 8 Mark Powell (VC Deal); 9 Paul Mill (Team Edwardes) 10 Ian Field (San Fairy Ann).
TUESDAY, AUGUST 24 – CRYSTAL PALACE CIRCUIT RACES, E/1/2: 1 Bryan Taylor (VC Londres); 2 Brett Perez (Freerider); 3 Jamie Newall (Evans); 4 TOM HEMMANT (LONDON DYNAMO); 5 Guy Pearson (Pearsons Cycles).
3/4/W/J: 1 Matt Smith (Gemini BC); 2 SAM HUMPHESON (LONDON DYNAMO); 3 Yves Milliere (Kingston Wheelers); 4 David Jones (Dulwich); 5 Sean McKibben (Dulwich) 6 Phillip Jones (Dulwich).
The DYNAMITE! Files 
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