London Dynamo Newsletter #38, 17.12.04
A CHRISTMAS CRACKER
Sash the Unofficial Newsletter Cat has a sprig of tinsel in her collar, we’ve plonked a glorious tree in the middle of our famous soundproof bunker and Mrs Newsletter is standing on a stepladder with a bauble in each hand. All of which can only mean one thing: the lower level of Dynamo Towers is going on its festive break. And as it’s the time for giving, we thought now would be an ideal time to hand out the prestigious London Dynamo Newsletter awards. They’re the gifts that every Dynamate wants from Santa! But before we open our bulging sack, it’s our duty as the principal source of all Dynamatic information to record this week’s news – and we begin with the Big Social. The Dynamo crimbo beano was a real Christmas cracker, kicking off at the Cittie of York pub in Hugh Holborn before the hungry ‘Mos moved on to the nearby Tandoori Raj for a curry and a few more pints of falling-down water. Dynamembers PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN, CHRIS ‘CALAMITY’ CAMPBELL, CHRIS ‘CHADDERS’ CHAPMAN, ‘MEDICAL’ MIKE DEBNEY, MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT, PAUL ‘ALL BLUE’ HARKNETT, STUART ‘POSTAL’ JEFFRIES, RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT, ANDY ‘LISTEN UP’ STEVENSON, ‘INCREDIBLE’ IAN JENKINSON, NICK ‘BOMBSHELL’ PEACOCK, WARRICK ‘SPEEDY’ SPENCE, DAVID ‘PROFESSOR’ WILLIAMS and many more kept conversations about stem lengths to a minimum – but the real talking point was the appearance of Dynamo’s very own man of mystery. That’s right, Dynamates – sharing a peshwari naan with the assembled throng was non other than KEN BUIST! There really is no better present than that! International Man Of Leisure CHRIS ‘HOSPITAL’ WARD also spotted the slippery Kiwi wearing “cool glasses and a satchel” at the Lyric theatre CafÈ in Hammersmith last week – and the laid-back jet-setter reveals: “I think it was the hunched position over the table that I recognised as the same scorning crouch I’ve seen over the handlebars.” That sounds like our Ken! Meanwhile, Dynamo’s quiet man TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT decided to celebrate passing his accountancy exams by hauling his single-speed mountain bike to Bordon in Hampshire where he took part in the Monsterman cross-country duathlon with Dynamette LUCY ‘DEMURE’ DOVE. The Dynamo-ic duo came 36th and 56th respectively, with Lucy taking 5th lady – and they also spotted 40th-placed ALEX ‘BALFIE’ BALFOUR clopping along in his MTB shoes. Aren’t you supposed to wear trainers for the running bit, pal? But now, without further ado, we come to the gongs of the year. Here comes the opening of the first envelope…
THE ROBBIE MCEWEN SOAP AND BRUSH AWARD FOR SERVICES TO ANGLO-SAXON
Fuming CHRIS ‘CALAMITY’ CAMPBELL showed great early season form by launching a voluble tirade at two quad bikers who invaded Eastway during a 4th cat race in April (London Dynamo Newsletter #1, 02.04.04) – but he was a sweet little old lady compared to blaspheming trooper ‘MEDICAL’ MIKE DEBNEY. The mad-as-hell medic exploded in a potty-mouthed rage at an i-team rider who nipped past him to win the 2/3 race at Goodwood in August (LDN #22, 27.08) and he earned a stern rebuke from Surrey League supremo Keith ‘I’ll Get You’ Butler for his outburst. It was the other fella’s fault, Keith – Mike was angry because the cheeky sod hadn’t done any work in the break!
THE RENE HASSELBACHER TORN SHORTS AWARD FOR CREATIVE BIKE HANDLING
There’s only one Dynamate who could crash his way into the top spot for this category – step forward International Man Of Leisure CHRIS ‘HOSPITAL’ WARD! The relaxed rider took a suitably laid-back approach to racing during a 4th cat race at Hillingdon in April (LDN #4, 23.4) which ended with him taking a sharp right in the sprint and bringing down two riders. But amazingly, he was left unscathed! As this incident happened eight months ago, the Newsletter recently made a firm decision to stop poking fun at Chris’s questionable handling – but then we read his weblog which revealed that he almost brought down a few more riders at Hillingdon in September by trying to impress his wife in the sprint. He never learns!
THE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE EXPLODING TAPE RECORDER AWARD FOR TRICKIEST ASSIGNMENT
Special agent REBECCA ‘OBJECTION’ STUBBS bags this gong for infiltrating the clandestine world of British time trialling in May. The plucky Dynamette drove two hours in the pouring rain to reach “some tiny village hall in High Easter, back-of-beyond, Essex” before being told that she would need to do a 20-minute bike ride to reach the starting line (LDN #6, 07.05). Rebecca reveals: “I arrived at the start to hear my number being yelled. With 30 seconds to go, I threw my extra layers of kit into the open boot of a nearby car, pulled the skinsuit over my shoulders while a helpful bystander pinned the number to my back. I set off only a few seconds late. Brilliant.” Why on earth should a starting location be so secretive? Rebecca suggests: “Time trialling isn’t illegal anymore – but perhaps they just miss the subterfuge.” You’re probably right, love!
THE RICHARD WHITELEY DICTIONARY AND SCRABBLE SET AWARD FOR IMAGINATIVE SPELLING
Pony-tailed point-gobbler WARRICK SPENCE put in a notable late-season bid to win this category when the Surrey League gave him the award for best rider and inscribed the trophy with the name Warren Spencer. But with so many misspelled entries on results sheets throughout the season, there could only be one clear victor – step forward man of many names TOM ‘HEMANT, HEUMAN, HEMNANT, HENANT’ HEMMANT. We thought the appellation confusion had reached its lowest point in June when he was reduced to a mere Tom Remnant after finishing 4th at Crystal Palace (LDN #12, 18.06) – but worse was to come in August when his name was spelled “G-U-Y A-N-D-R-E-W-S” on the list of finishers for an E/1/2/3 race at Hillingdon (LDN #21, 20.08). On that occasion Dynamo’s whinging Captain Mainwaring got a higher position than he actually achieved – but surprisingly he didn’t complain. That’s a first!
THE DIRTY DEN AWARD FOR VILLAIN OF THE YEAR
Just when we thought no more indignity could be heaped upon one of Dynamo’s top racers, along came commentator Hugh Porter with yet another hopeless gaff. The old rogue was the last in a long line to get Tom’s name wrong – but this time he broadcast his mistake to hundreds of spectators lining the route of the Westminster criterium in September (LDN #24, 10.09). As our man made a brave attempt to go off the front, Porter bellowed: “Oh dear! Look at Hemnant’s ragged riding style! He’s never going to get away from the bunch like that!” The nerve of the man – and he couldn’t even be bothered getting Tom’s name right!
THE KEVIN ‘FULLA S*IT’ FITZPATRICK SMOKING JACKET AND CRAVAT FOR ANECDOTE OF THE YEAR
It’s another Hemmant-related tale, folks! Indiscreet Dynamette LUCY ‘DEMURE’ DOVE wins the prize for her story of how Tom locked himself in the bathroom the morning before the opening stage of the prestigious L’Etape De La Enfonce race in Bridgend and attempted to shave his legs for the first time (LDN #09, 28.05). Lucy reveals: “It took him a lot longer than he expected and he only managed to get one leg shorn before heading for the start line – so he had to do the team time trial with one leg hairy, one leg smooth.” Now that’s what we call an anecdote! And while we’re on the subject, the Newsletter would like to gently chide top raconteur KEVIN ‘FULLA S*IT’ FITZPATRICK for keeping such a low profile this season as we hoped the Cyclefit accountant would have been regaling us with scores of his trademark cheeky stories. Come on, pal – start talking!
THE ERIK ZABEL VICTORY SALUTE FOR PREMATURE CELEBRATION OF THE YEAR…
…goes to the unnamed Addiscombe rider who failed to realise that his chances of coming first at Ladies Mile in March had been destroyed by Dynamo (LDN #07, 13.05). Twin-cylinder powerhouse GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL launched a solo attack with 16 miles to go and managed to stay away, winning the race almost two minutes ahead of the pack. Way to go, buddy! But the Addiscombe rider who won the bunch sprint threw his arms in the air Tour De France-style as he crossed the line – and ROB ‘ALL-WEATHER’ TUBBS reveals: “I had to cycle up alongside him and explain we had a rider up the road for almost half the race. ‘You’re joking!’ he replied.” No doubt he didn’t find the result to Agreeable!
THE JOSEBA BELOKI FIRST AID KIT FOR MOST SPECTACULAR SPILL
The now-infamous Ockley Triangle gave STUART ‘POSTAL’ JEFFRIES, NICK ‘BOMBSHELL’ PEACOCK and ROB ‘THE SAINT’ JEFFROYS a chance of coming out on top in this brutal category – but unfortunately their slide on slippery tarmac at the beginning of the month only produced a spate of road rash (LDN #37, 10.12.04). Teddington titan DAVID ‘SMILER’ NORRIS also came a cropper on Ranmore during the same day yet his fractured pelvis pales in comparison to MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT’S crushed ribs, punctured lung and broken femur which he suffered after coming off the big descent in Richmond Park in April (LDN #02, 09.04). Amazingly, the lanky lad managed to get himself race fit within a few months and exceeded everyone’s expectations by clinching 2nd place at Alford in September (LDN #26, 24.09). Not even a passing rubbish truck tearing off his car door before the race could stop him!
THE MARBLE KEN BUIST BUST OF KEN BUIST FOR BEING KEN BUIST
He could be chatting up a young lovely in a Notting Hill nightclub, perusing a selection of pricey frames at a certain Hampton Wick retailer or yelling at a passing motorist in Richmond Park for driving erratically whilst using their mobile – but whatever he’s up to and wherever he’s spotted doing it, there can be absolutely no doubt that man of mystery KEN BUIST is simply the Buist when it comes to being enigmatic Antipodean KEN BUIST. So this one’s for you, Ken!
SLEIGHED TO REST
Well, Dynamates – that’s it. Your festive edition of the Newsletter is finished – and we won’t be back until the end of January. In the meantime, remember to call Martin Boone at Eton Travel on 01753 671 737 to book your place on the Mallorca training camp which runs from March 20th to 27th – and get ready for the Dynamo beginners’ series at Hillingdon starting from February 19th. You may also want to set the video for Sky One at 8pm on January 19th which is when the capital’s most telegenic pedal-tappers make their TV debut. Whatever you do, always remember we are eternally grateful for all the stuff you send us – so please keep Dyna-mailing your news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘RUDOLPH’ BUIST to news@londondynamo.co.uk – but PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS ADDRESS if you are reading this on email. And now, as Mrs Newsletter beckons us into the kitchen to stuff the turkey, it only remains for us to remind you about…
THIS WEEK’S RIDES
SATURDAY
The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate, 9am. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups. Anyone who wants to lead a group should leave a message at http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/forum/viewforum.php?f=21.
SUNDAY
Hampton Court bridge, 9am for Surrey Hills ride. 50ish miles at a steady pace. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and gift wrapping.
WEDNESDAY
Richmond Gate, Richmond Park, 7:30pm. Canter to Surrey and back.
So until next year, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.
London Dynamo Newsletter.
The DYNAMITE! Files 
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