The DYNAMITE! Files

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DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #209, 28.11.08
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+++ Having a blast every Friday +++ Dyna-mail race reports, news, views, and gossip to dynamite@londondynamo.co.uk +++ Have a peek at our pics -http://tinyurl.com/k34tf +++ Check out DYNAMITE! on the web -http://tinyurl.com/36xkay +++ WEEKEND WEATHER: Sat, heavy rain, 7C max, wind E 8mph; Sun, sunny intervals, 7C max, wind SE 6mph +++
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HE’S NOT JOE-KING
+++ Former ‘Mo’s unusual career turn +++
Many Dynamos secretly dream of following in the footsteps of the pros, and they will undoubtedly be green with envy now that a once-familiar face at Crystal Palace has emulated the career path of a top British cyclist by quitting Blighty for an exotic African location. That’s right, Dynamates – popular former member Joe Stegers has apparently “done a Sherwen” by relocating to the dark continent and setting up a gold mine there. We kid you not! The Tanzania-based go-getter spent four months charging around on a dirt bike collecting samples before gathering funds on a brief trip back to the UK, during which time he met up for a burger in Richmond with his chums TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT, JAMES ‘HITMAN’ STRATTON and MARTIN ‘PIN-UP’ WILLIAMSON. Martin reveals: “He was on lively form, despite arriving 90 minutes after we’d all finished eating. We talked of Palace, which he misses, and he still regrets not being able to post on the Dynamo forum and not receiving DYNAMITE! every week.” We’ll see what we can sort out, pal! Joe’s many Dynamates may want to raise a glass to the cheery fastman at the Annual Social and Awards bash which, of course, takes place from 6pm on Thursday at the Arts Club on Dover Street near Green Park tube… http://tinyurl.com/3xrare. The past week has seen a surge in bookings, so make sure you post your cheque to event organiser PAUL ‘ALL-BLUE’ HARKNETT at 30 Tudor Gardens, Twickenham TW1 4LE. Cheques should be made payable to London Dynamo, and please include an e-mail address for confirmation. In addition to food and drink, the all-inclusive £40 ticket price also covers the services of former club boss NICK ‘EX-CAPTAIN’ PEACOCK, who will be handing out the awards for the year’s outstanding performances. In anticipation of this prestigious event, this publication will now award its own much-loved prizes, dubbed the ‘Mities, to reflect some of the more unusual achievements that may get overlooked on the night – so come with us now as we approach the lectern to begin the giving of gongs. Let’s tear open the first envelope…

THE CHAINSAW AND RIPCORD FOR TREE-MENDOUS ATTACK OF THE YEAR
He’s renowned for his uncompromising, no-nonsense approach – and DYNAMITE! got to witness JOE ‘BLOW’ HEMMANT’s trademark brand of hard-headedness first hand when we heard him order his long-suffering father to “put your lid on, Les” after the eldest Hemmant removed his helmet to recce a climb on the Granfondo Pinarello course on a boiling hot day (#191, 25.07.08). Mr Hemmant’s weary response of “yes, dad” indicated he had experienced this role reversal many times before – and Joe displayed a different kind of unbe-leaf-able behaviour four months previously when stormy conditions felled a tree in front of the competitors on the first stage of the Easter 3-Day, thereby giving the unfazed fastman the opportunity to briefly get a gap on the terrified bunch (#174, 28.03). You deserve this award, you crafty bugger!

THE BUCKLED WHEEL AWARD FOR NEUTRAL DISSERVICE
Preston Anderson, the commandingly-named head of SERRL, is said to look uncannily like Sir Alan Sugar – so it was fitting that IAN ‘KING OF’ PAINE and RICHARD ‘PLACING’ MASON paid tribute to the BBC’s boardroom Barnum by dishing out some bolshy quips of their own when the club helped out the race organisers at Brenchley in Kent (#177, 18.04). Manning the neutral service vehicle, Ian responded to a Norwood Paragon rider’s demand for a Ksyrium by telling him: “You want to see the bunch again? Then you’ll take what you want NOW, sunshine!” Another puncture-hit competitor requested the Shimano wheel he had handed in, only for Rich to respond: “It’s neutral service. You should have punctured earlier.” There’s no arguing with that logic!

THE ONION CHAINRING FOR FASTEST FOOD RUN OF THE YEAR
Oh, how times have changed, Dynamates! Goldman Sachs machine DAVID ‘DORIAN’ STREULE bags this gong for a pre-credit crunch ride from Fleet Street to the Gloucester Road branch of Burger King where he purchased a round of deluxe burgers costing £95 each… http://tinyurl.com/6qpumf …which were paid for by three of his colleagues. The profligate trio had bet each other on whether their wannabe courier could get to the fast food outlet in less than 18 minutes – and they guaranteed he would get one of the burgers regardless of whether he beat the clock or not. Having made the trip in 13 minutes, the Fulham firecracker described his reward as “nice, but I wouldn’t pay £95 for it”. Not many would, pal!

THE BALLCOCK AND SNAPPED CHAIN FOR TOILET INCIDENT OF THE YEAR
Naughty New Zealander PAUL ‘MONTY’ DELAHUNTY scoops this prize – and much else besides – for a food-related incident (#184, 06.06) that wasn’t quite as pleasurable as Streuley’s. Unable to resist a tub of Marks and Spencer mini-bite flapjacks sitting invitingly on his desk, piggy Paul ate its entire contents during the course of the working day, leaving his guts in such a severe state that he was desperate to perform a full evacuation after doing hill reps in Richmond Park that evening. He managed to track down a Royal Parks official to open one of the men’s facilities, but despite managing to extricate himself from his bib shorts just in time, the sprint sensation was slightly “off target”, which necessitated a clean-up operation afterwards. You mucky pup!

THE TOM ‘REMNANT’ HEMMANT DICTIONARY FOR BEST MISSPELLING
No end-of-year Dynamatic round-up is complete without a mention of TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT getting his name comically mangled on a results sheet, although “Hemnant” seems a lot less sillier than previous years’ entries. The same set of results, taken from a Palace E/1/2 race, nevertheless managed to turn DAVID ‘DORIAN’ STREULE into “Straw” while a certain Kiwi got a French makeover with “De La Hunty” (#188, 04.07) – but the winner of this syntactically-challenged category goes to GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL, or “Brain Powdnall” as he is known to the organisers of the Andy Morrison Memorial RR in Cranfield, Beds (#180, 09.05). The lanky lad went on to prove that it is unwise to associate him with the word “brain” when he rashly bet PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN that he would beat him at the Farnborough and Camberley CC ’25’, only to lose by just one second – and the Kingston killer beat Guysie again at the Addiscombe CC ’25’ in Broadbridge Heath, West Sussex (#182, 23.05). That’s two dinners you owe him, chum!

THE LEATHER WHIP FOR SIX OF THE BEST WINS IN A WEEK
Never let it be said that the statistics department of the DYNAMITE! publishing empire doesn’t love uncovering a little-known Dynamo-related fact – and they don’t get any more obscure than this: the six days from 8th to 13th May 2008 inclusive had more Dynamo wins than any other period of the same duration, averaging a remarkable one victory per day (#181, 16.05). You would have to look long and hard to find a figure more impressive and yet quite as pointless! The half-dozen heroes who thrashed Dynamo’s rivals are TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT (victorious at the Bec CC E/1/2/3 race, despite having to wear a Wildside jersey after forgetting his own), PAUL ‘MONTY’ DELAHUNTY (bagged the No.1 spot at MoD E/1/2 event) MARTIN ‘PIN-UP’ WILLIAMSON (won the Hounslow Wheelers’ Thursday night ’10’ in 22:29), CHARLIE ‘VICI’ EASTON (maintained her then-unbeaten run at Crystal Palace), RICHARD ‘AV IT’ HOULT (1st at Palace 3/4 race) and MARK ‘NUTTY BOY’ DRAYTON (beat the rest of the 4th cats at Hillingdon). Great stuff, all of you!

THE HAND-KNOTTED FRIENDSHIP BAND FOR CHUM OF THE YEAR
Social anthropologists have yet to verify the theory that you are never more than a few feet away from a Dynamo, although STEVE ‘LONESOME PINE’ WOOD seems to be gathering evidence to the contrary by unwittingly avoiding the diffuse Dynamo membership, despite going out of his way to make new pals. The lone ‘Mo completed all 172 miles of the Ronde Van Vlaanderen sportive without realising RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT, STUART ‘EASY’ SPIES and seven other Dynamates were also juddering over the Flemmish cobbles (#176, 11.04), and his forum plea for ‘Mos to join him in Royston, Herts for the Tour Of The Cornfields went unanswered (#197, 05.09.08). But he did manage to meet CycleFitter KIMBERLY ‘CANUCK’ KABATOFF at the Paris-Roubaix sportive (#185, 13.06), and the Dartmoor Classic saw him befriend one of the ten Marks listed on the club’s membership directory (#182, 23.05.08), although he doesn’t seem to know which one. Get his surname next time, buddy!

PANNED OUT NICELY
Our season-long panning for nuggets of news amid the gravel of fact has come to an end, which means its time to thank everyone who has sent in the raw materials during our 10-month gold rush. We’ll be back for more prospecting next year, so please keep Dyna-mailing your race reports, news and gossip to dynamite@londondynamo.co.uk. And now, as we pause to wish each and every one of you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES

SATURDAY
9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

SUNDAY
8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.

9am: Hampton Court bridge, south side, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and a miner’s helmet.

WEDNESDAY
7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride to Chertsey, back via Weybridge, 28 miles.

So until next year, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.

The DYNAMITE! team.