DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #83, 02.12.05
‘MITE BE SAD
With so many incredible results and brilliant news items flooding into our famous soundproof bunker throughout the 2005 season, it should come as no surprise that this sensitive organ has drunk deeply from the cup of emotion during the past ten months – but just as every bottle of delicious chocolate-flavoured For Goodness Shakes is eventually drained, so too must this dewy-eyed organ take one last emotional gulp before bidding farewell. That’s right, sobbing reader – there are to be no more Dyna-matic updates this year. If that’s not an occasion to turn on the waterworks, then nothing is! Mrs Dynamite will no doubt have mopped up the tears from the editorial floor by the time your favourite Dynamo-centric weekly newsletter returns in late January – and to complement the weepy Dyna-mood, this edition of DYNAMITE! will play host to the ‘Mities, the glittering annual awards ceremony that could produce a few tearful acceptance speeches from the year’s Dyna-movers and shakers. But before turning into the host with the lachry-most, we’d like to remind fixed-gear fans to Dyna-mail NICK ‘CAPTAIN’ PEACOCK at npeacock@maitlandchambers.com if they want to attend the track session at Newport on Sunday, January 22 or even spend the rest of that weekend riding in Wales. The club’s newly-elected Chairman ‘Mo has revealed that almost all of the stock from the end-of-season kit sale has been snapped up, so log on to http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/content_pages/ld_kit.html if Nick hasn’t got what you want. The new gear is due to be here before Chrimbo – and talking of which, you should send your RSVPs to PAUL ‘ALL-BLUE’ HARKNETT at pharknett@savills.com if you fancy coming along to the Dynamo festive social on Thursday, 15th December at the Cittie Of York pub near Chancery Lane tube. And, of course, you’ll need to book soon for the Mallorca training camp, which takes place from April 1st to 8th – so call Martin Boone at Eton Travel on 01753 671 737 or send a Dyna-mail to russell.short@londondynamo.co.uk if you haven’t had a booking form in your inbox. But you won’t be able to do any of the above without your Dyna-membership, so log on to http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/content_pages/ld_membership.html to sign up for 2006. You better be quick – the Dynamo subscriptions computer took more than £900 in the first day of trading! Now all that’s out of the way, you can whip out the hanky, break out the syrupy orchestral muzak and prepare to become a blubbering wreck as we hand out the ‘Mities, the most questionable gongs in cycling. Let’s get Dyna-maudlin…
THE ‘WARREN SPENCER’ HAPHAZARDLY ENGRAVED TROPHY FOR MISSPELLING OF THE YEAR
High-achieving triathlete DOMINIC ‘I WANT IT ALL’ PAUL got this category off to a cracking start right from the gun when he finished 6th at the first beginners’ series race in February, leading to his appearance on the results sheet as “Paul Dohiuk” – and it was left to the Italians to mangle another Dynamo’s name in an even more bizarre manner. Cyclefit sensation WARRICK ‘SPEEDY’ SPENCE – or “Warren Spencer” as he was referred to on the Surrey League’s trophy for rider of the year 2004 – was rechristened “Warreck Long” on the list of finishers in the Granfondo Pinarello in Treviso. To cut a Long story short, the Italian gentleman who filled in Warrick’s entry before he arrived in Italy was unable to spell the Covent Garden bike fitter’s first name and couldn’t remember his surname, so the quick-thinking chap substituted it with a word that accurately described the length of the one-time ponytailed rider’s hair. Now that’s what we call a brush with stupidity! But such sobriquet silliness is but a slip of the pen compared to the season-long mangling of TOM ‘HEMANT, HEMNAUN, REMNANT’ HEMMANT’s name, which saw “Kemmant” appear as a new permutation at Hillingon in April and one “Tom Hemnant” take the No.5 spot at Crystal Palace in May. It’s thanks to the latter that Tom has clinched this award for the second year running, chiefly because the elite star was watching the telly at his Solna Avenue residence while the 3rd cat race was taking place, and it was actually GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL who came 5th. One Dynamate misspelled and mis-categorised, another misnamed – it doesn’t get any more mystifying than that!
THE BRETT PEREZ AIR MILES VOUCHER FOR JOURNEYMAN OF THE YEAR
Talking of names, it’s only fitting that a peripatetic Aussie with a British first name, a Spanish surname and more clubs under his belt than Captain Caveman hands out this jet-setting gong – but the winner’s achievements will have to be as glamorous as the Agiskoviner fastman. That means GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL’s appearance at the amateur version of the Tour of Flanders, STUART ‘POSTAL’ JEFFREYS’s ordeal at the Vattern-Rundan in Sweden along with the club’s many Etape adventurers, Marmottists and Fondolers are not on the shortlist. Sorry folks – Europe just isn’t exotic enough! International loverboy DOMINIC ‘I WANT IT ALL’ PAUL set the business-class standard for this long-haul category by flying out to Barbados in May for its national triathlon champs and representing Great Britain at October’s Triathlon Age Group World Championships in Honolulu, leaving NEIL ‘JAUNT’ JONES to launch a late bid for nomadic glory by racing among rattlesnakes in California’s Death Valley last month. Both men’s wanderings are awe-inspiring, but they ruled themselves out of the No.1 spot in this category by coming home, which is what our winner DAVID COURTNEY-‘SHAKER’-HATCHER has yet to do after going to sun-kissed Dubai two months ago. Give yourself an ex-pat on the back, pal!
THE POPE JOHN PAUL II COMMEMORATIVE BLESSING FOR SERVICES TO TARMAC-KISSING
There’s no Amen-and-ahing about which accident-hit Dynamates are eligible for this wince-inducing accolade, as 2005 saw more than its fair share of members hitting the decks in motor-related incidents. At the end of August, an impatient halfwit in a black Vauxhall brought down JONATHAN STACEY during the Parkride – and five months earlier, JOE ‘CHEEKY BEGGAR’ STEGERS lost control of his front wheel during a wet ride on MARTIN ‘PIN-UP’ WILLIAMSON’s training camp in Costa Blanca, causing him to hit an oncoming car. Nasty stuff! Amazingly, both riders managed to escape relatively unscathed – as did ‘INCREDIBLE’ IAN JENKINSON, who scoops this prize for instantly installing a rear ventilation system in a German’s Ford during Dynamo’s week-long trip to Mallorca. The no-nonsense northerner smacked into the unwitting tourist’s back window while descending the mighty Puig Major. That’s sure to leave a dent in the driver’s consciousness!
THE LAURENT FIGNON COMB BUT NOT FORGOTTEN MEMORIAL
We move from hair-raising moments to a shocking hair-shortening incident which deeply saddened DYNAMITE! when the news reached us in our famous soundproof bunker. The number of Dynamates with locks flowing across their backs was cruelly snipped by 50 per cent in September when WARRICK ‘SPEEDY’ SPENCE paid a visit to the barbers, leaving ROB ‘THE SAINT’ JEFFROY as the only member who can make good use of a hair band. This award is dedicated to Warrick’s ponytail, cut from his head, but never to be cut out of Dynamo history. And don’t you dare follow hirsute, Rob!
THE MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT SIX-INCH METAL ROD FOR RETURN TO FORM
Tenacious tiddler RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT deserves an honourable mention in this category for overcoming a knee injury sustained during the Mallorca training camp in March and managing to retain his 2nd cat status by August when he took 8th during stage two of the Surrey League three-day. And if that wasn’t enough, the knobbly-tyred tyke is currently ranked 4th in the London Cyclo-Cross League. Muddy hell, mate! Hospitalised hero DAVID ‘SMILER’ NORRIS cracked his pelvis when he slipped coming down Ranmore last December – but he was sporting his customary big grin at the Chertsey MoD circuit three months ago when his incredible group of 3rd and 4th cats held off the elites for the last 17 laps, allowing him to nab 6th place. But the surgically-inserted tool that helped MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT’s broken femur to heal last year goes to PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN, whose bronchial infection and family commitments almost ruled him out of the entire season before he explored an avenue even more clandestine than road racing – the shadowy world of time trials. In August, the Kingston killer completed the Hounslow Wheelers “10” in 23mins 38secs, giving him the fastest time of the year on the Chertsey course. He also posted two successive personal bests over 25 miles within a period of seven days, the second of which saw him take 3rd at Souldern Village near Oxford with a time of 56mins 44secs. They’ll be no stopping him in ’06!
THE DYNAMITE! RIDER OF THE YEAR
Serotta-riding sensation TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT triggered a whoop of delight among this periodical’s editorial team when he nabbed 1st place at Palace in July, giving him enough points to join the ranks of elites – and Dynamo’s quiet man also took part in the eight-day FBD Insurance Ras stage race around Ireland, where he finished a respectable 48th place amid a high-quality field. Yet it’s GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL who undoubtedly deserves the ‘Mities highest accolade for rocketing from 3rd to 1st cat in just one season by Hoovering up points from all over the Surrey League, taking him to 15th place on its rankings and making him the highest-placed Dynamo on the table. But what prize would be ample reward for such a remarkable feat?
THE ORDER OF CIPOLLINI FOR FASHION BRAVERY
How about a new helmet? As we reported in January, plucky MARTIN ‘BRAVEHEART’ BUDDEN only had to wear a kilt for one day and CHRIS ‘VAN CHADDERS’ CHAPMAN hasn’t seen his visor since GUY ‘MAINWARING’ ANDREWS flung it off a mountain in Mallorca nine months ago – yet the twin-piston powerhouse still hasn’t got round to replacing his square-looking crash lid which is made all the more conspicuous by its yellow colouring. That’s some achievement! Former Dynamo president Mr Andrews – who, incidentally, we would like to thank for his sterling work with the club since its inception – teased Guy mercilessly during RoadCyclingUK’s Classic Cols trip to France in September. So to protect the poor fellow, DYNAMITE! hopes this award will mark a halt to the incessant mickey-taking. Give the Guy a break, Dynamates!
GOING, GOING, GONG
We’ve wept until our tear ducts are drier than a Go energy bar, which means there’s just time to congratulate all those who won an award and thank absolutely everyone who contributed to this periodical during the past ten months. We’ll be back at the end of January – and until then, always remember we are a weeping Gwyneth Paltrow and we would be nothing without you, our level-headed Chris Martin. So please keep Dyna-mailing your news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘SOBBER’ BUIST to news@londondynamo.co.uk – or simply hit your reply button if you are reading this on e-mail. The deadline is the afternoon of Wednesday, January 25 for the edition out the coming Friday. And now, as we take one last, rich, fruity parp into our hanky, it only remains for us to remind you about…
THIS WEEK’S RIDES
…which will carry on while DYNAMITE! is on its extended Christmas break.
SATURDAY
9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.
SUNDAY
8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.
9am: Hampton Court bridge, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and a whimper.
WEDNESDAY
7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride into Surrey, 28 miles.
So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.
The DYNAMITE! team.
THE LAST WORD
“The Giro Route has been announced, the climbers rejoice and Petacchi is crying.”
The DYNAMITE! Files 
Leave a Reply