DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #48, 01.04.05
IT’S NO JOKE
As our legions of humour-hungry readers are aware, there’s nothing DYNAMITE! likes more than a good laugh – and we certainly would have had a hearty chortle if anyone had suggested that your favourite humorous e-mail update would still be pumping out moderately amusing weekly missives from its famous soundproof bunker a year after its inception. But believe it or not, Dynamo’s joke-loving organ celebrates its first anniversary today – and no-one is more surprised than us, Dynamates! To commemorate the hundreds of excruciating puns lovingly slipped into your inbox every Friday, we’re going to take a look back at all the laughs we’ve had during the past 47 issues before bringing you bang up to date with all the gossip from the Mallorca training camp. So in the spirit of April Fool’s day, come with us as we pump up the whoopee cushion and get ready for the fun to commence. Here comes the first moist parp…
HEMM WERE THE DAYS
It may seem hard to believe, but TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT had hairy legs, MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT didn’t have a huge metal rod implanted next to his femur and ‘MEDICAL’ MIKE DEBNEY still had a civil tongue in his head when the first historic edition of the London Dynamo Newsletter emerged on April 2nd 2004. Them were the days, Dynamates! Our inaugural issue began by praising the achievements of MARTIN ‘PIN-UP’ WILLIAMSON, who kicked off his successful bid for a category 2 licence by coming 3rd at Barcombe. Dynamo’s pretty boy revealed he was “grinning all the way” to the line – to which we responded: “You’re not supposed to enjoy yourself, man – this is cycling!” Hard-to-please tiddler RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT instantly praised our winning combination of tongue-in-cheek retorts and jokey asides, but it wasn’t until issue #4 emerged on 23rd April that the Newsletter really found its optimal cadence with the introduction of what is still our most popular feature – Ken Watch! Twin-piston powerhouse GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL provided our initial sighting of Dynamo’s most enigmatic rider after bumping into him at a certain Grays Inn Road retail giant. The ever-observant property mogul revealed at the time: “Ken was wearing a blue overcoat and had been meeting a client in the Holborn area. He looked smart but casual. The time must have been circa 4pm – what better time to peruse one of London’s premier cycling retailers? Ken spotted me while I was admiring some Assos knee-warmers. We chatted briefly about – you guessed it – stems. I bought the knee warmers and then left. The last time I saw Ken was downstairs discussing frames with a staff member. We parted with a tearful wave. The entire incident couldn’t have lasted more than 6 minutes.” Fantastic stuff! And there was even more excitement when the next issue came out on April 30th – because after many, many months of waiting, London Dynamo’s first kit consignment had arrived. Describing the stylish blue, black and orange togs, we decided that the design “marks out London Dynamo as a team of taste and distinction, while also showing it is friendly enough to buy its chums a round of buns at the clubhouse.” After accurately predicting the kit’s success, the Newsletter shed light on a much-misunderstood minority by dedicating issue #6 to those strangers in our midst – triathletes. We revealed how high-achiever DOMINIC ‘I WANT IT ALL’ PAUL came 4th at the Milton Keynes Sprint triathlon and announced Martin Williamson would be jetting off to Madeira where he would represent Britain at the Triathlon Championships in the 25-29 age group. Lovely stuff! Our mission to spread an attitude of tolerance and acceptance towards our wetsuit-wearing brethren was such a big hit that we decided to launch our first major campaign in issue #16. Our Duty Dozen crusade aimed to get at least 12 members helping out at Hillingdon – and we were pleased to report in issue #20 that 17 eager ‘Mos had turned up to marshal at the race on Tuesday 10th August. Your favourite Dynamatic update also chronicled the turbulent events During May’s L’Etape De La Defonce stage race in Bridgend, Wales, which saw Mike Debney, Tom Hemmant, SAM ‘SLAM DUNK’ HUMPHESON and ‘GENTLEMEN’ JOHN OLDRIDGE win the team competition. As we wrote in issue #9, it was an “impressive victory over Britain’s finest 3rd cat teams”, even if the fab four did have to wear garish red and yellow Surrey League jerseys. But there was a greater honour to come at the start of September when Dynamo raced in the shadow of Parliament. Issue #24 reported how pony-tailed point gobbler WARRICK ‘SPEEDY’ SPENCE finished 5th at the prestigious Bob Chicken London Grand Prix in Westminster – and we exclaimed: “That’s clucking amazing!” Plenty more puns were deployed in the service of eulogizing Dynamates’ achievements throughout 2004, including CHRIS ‘HOSPITAL’ WARD’s charity end-to-ender, CHRIS ‘VAN CHADDERS’ CHAPMAN’s excellent performance at the Entente Cordiale Paris-London race, and PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN picking up Dynamo’s award for Best Surrey League team, which was handed over by none other than Keith ‘I’ll Get You’ Butler. We exploded into 2005 with a dramatic name-change to DYNAMITE! and a snazzy masthead courtesy of DAVID ‘WEBMASTER’ SPENCER which we followed up with exclusive pictures of Dynamo’s TV debut on Sky One in issue #40. The new year, of course, also saw the introduction of a feature called…
‘MO OR NO?
…which many readers will be relieved to hear we are putting out of its misery this week. Incredibly, not a single member has identified any of the Parkriders snapped in non-regulation kit or outed themselves as one of the pictured dress code transgressors – but that could all change with the final shocking photo in this mercifully short-lived series. E-mail readers may want to turn down the brightness on their monitors before clicking on the Newsletter link at http://www.londondynamo.co.uk, because this brave chap’s outfit puts the colour scheme of Tyler Hamilton’s team to shame. What the Phonak was he thinking? If you are the bright red and yeller fella or you’ve clapped eyes on him one Saturday morning without losing your sight, then send a Dyna-mail to news@londondynamo.co.uk with “‘Mo Or No?” in the subject heading. Or just put in a call to the fashion police!
SUMMIT A BIT SPECIAL
There was no need for DYNAMITE! to whip out its box Brownie during its brief break – because the kitted-up training campers managed to create a glorious blue stream that flowed through the streets of Mallorca last week. That’s right, Dynamates – literally several old Spanish ladies applauded the club’s distinctive outfit as the 22 sun-seekers pedalled past the elderly cycling enthusiasts’ homes. You just don’t get that kind of reception on the streets of Hampton Wick! But despite the clothing success, grumpy GUY ‘MAINWARING’ ANDREWS still managed to create a style crisis by taking issue with the helmet visors worn by STUART ‘POSTAL’ JEFFRIES and CHRIS ‘VAN CHADDERS’ CHAPMAN. The grouchy club prez managed to pry off the immensely practical plastic attachments – and poor old Chadders didn’t get to see his again after Dynamo’s fashion chief gleefully abandoned it on the slopes of Sa Calobra. The nerve of the man! Triumphant Guy, who believes visors deserve no place outside of mountain biking, gave the king of the spinners a green Liquigas cap to keep the sun off his face and tried to compensate for Chris’s loss by telling him the new headgear made him look just like a Dutch pro. You won’t sweet-talk him that easily, buddy! There was more drama on the way back from the mighty Puig Major when ‘INCREDIBLE’ IAN JENKINSON managed to write off a car after crashing into it during a tricky descent – but amazingly, his brand new Serotta was undamaged except for a scratch and the big redhead himself emerged almost unscathed. The man is indestructible! In fact, there was probably far more pain inflicted on the climbs as hard man ROB ‘THE SAINT’ JEFFROY and the ever-revving RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT tore the legs off everyone. With all that action going on, the campers decided to relax on Friday by going to an Easter parade in Pollenca – but they were slightly disturbed to find that it looked more like a clan meeting. We’ve never seen so many pointy white hoods in one place before! Unofficial camp photographer ED ‘THE MAN’ McKINLEY put together a superb slide show of the trip on his laptop which captured the sunny weather, fantastic views and many happy hours of riding. The hard-riding American left for Morocco before the final evening, which meant that he wasn’t able to take snaps of GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL, GARETH ‘RIGHT THERE’ EARLE and new Dynamette RACHEL JOYCE in various states of undress after they had one Tunel too many and took a post closing-time dip in the hotel pool. Thankfully, DYNAMITE! was on hand with Mrs Dynamite’s trusty camcorder to capture the moment for posterity in glorious night vision. It’s going to make a brilliant club movie evening!
ONE HELL OF A HILL
We returned to the lower level of Dynamo Towers on Sunday afternoon, and after giving Mrs Dynamite a big hug, we turned on the ticker tape machine to find out just how many brilliant results Dynamates had notched up. Nothing could have prepared us for the flood of fantastic news that our antiquated gadget spewed up. The ever-reliable TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT came an impressive 7th at the Surrey League three-day race over the Easter weekend – and he would have finished higher if he hadn’t lost 16 seconds on the first day thanks to the horrible Milland Hill. Tom says: “I was struggling up the 1:4 climb which the Surrey League kindly decided to send us up 10 times.” Damn you, Keith Butler! True to form, big-hearted Tom was once again keen to divert the spotlight to another rider. He revealed to us that Dynamette LUCY ‘DEMURE’ DOVE came second at the first of this season’s Thames Turbo Triathlon series, adding: “She did an awesome bike which was the fastest of all the girls.” Well done, madam! Meanwhile, Milland Hill also featured in MARTIN ‘PIN-UP’ WILLIAMSON’s world of pain after he was forced to go up it seven times in the 51-mile 2/3 support race. Third cat newcomer TOM ‘HANDY’ LANGLEY and JOE ‘CHEEKY BEGGAR’ STEGERS worked with Martin to pull in a promising break. Then, after two competitors attacked half a kilometre from the finish to claim the two top spots, DAVID ‘THE PROFESSOR’ WILLIAMS got a gap in front of the main field with a couple of other riders, allowing him to take 4th while Tom, Martin and Joe finished 6th, 7th and 8th respectively. Martin watched Joe drop most of the field on the hill “despite being more Thor Hushovd than Iban Mayo” and Tom said: “Four Dynamos in the top eight kept us all smiling afterwards.” We bet it did, buddy! TOM ‘TUFTY’ DAVIES was also a happy chappie after finishing 7th at Dunsfold’s 50-mile 3rd cat race. The lank-haired lad crossed the line as part of five-strong chasing group – and he proudly notes: “I didn’t come dead last in a sprint. This is an entirely new experience for me.” You better get used to it, pal!
BALF’S BACK
Finally, DYNAMITE! was relieved to hear that ALEX ‘BALFIE’ BALFOUR is doing well following his operation to remove a malign tumour – and you can find out more about his progress by reading his thread on the forum at http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?p=1163&sid=e517a26ee1eed41311a97986216dd5fc#1163. Get well soon, mate!
FUN’S FINISHED
The batteries on our palm-activated electric shock buzzer have run out and we have no ink left to smear on the telephone receiver for that hilarious “black ear” prank. It will be another year until we celebrate April Fool’s but your practical joke-loving journal will be back in just seven days. Until then, always remember that we are a contrived plastic turd and we would be excruciatingly unfunny without you, our bucket of water carefully placed above the door. So please keep Dyna-mailing your news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘COMEDY’ BUIST to news@londondynamo.co.uk – but PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS ADDRESS if you are reading this on e-mail. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as our sides recover from splitting, it only remains for us to remind you about…
THIS WEEK’S RIDES
SATURDAY
The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate, 9am. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.
SUNDAY
Hampton Court bridge, 9am for Surrey Hills ride. 50ish miles at a steady pace. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and a joke book.
WEDNESDAY
Richmond Gate, Richmond Park, 7:30pm. Canter to Surrey and back.
So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.
The DYNAMITE! team.
THE SMALL PRINT
SATURDAY, MARCH 19, 2005 – SURREY LEAGUE/TM RACING, MoD CHERTSEY, 4/4W/3W, 24 MILES: 1 RICHARD MASON (LONDON DYNAMO) 0:57:00; 2 TOM LANGLEY (LONDON DYNAMO); 3 Toby Meadows (agiskoviner.com); 4 Marcus Browning (VC Meudon); 5 Mark Rickady (unatt); 6 Matthew Plested (agiskoviner.com); 7 STUART JEFFREYS (LONDON DYNAMO); 8 Ed Sneddon (agiskoviner.com); =9 Max Ramirez (Addiscombe); =9 Brian Molloy (Epsom); =9 Colin Fyfe (I-team.co.uk); =9 Nick Bonnor (I-team.co.uk); =9 Ian Beston (Kingston Wheelers); =9 Will Meers (Kingston Wheelers); =9 DARREN MINSHALL (LONDON DYNAMO); =9 CHARLES PEACH (LONDON DYNAMO); =9 JAMES KINMONT (LONDON DYNAMO); =9 CHRISTIAN KINMONT (LONDON DYNAMO); =9 Peter Patterson (unatt); =9 James Stratton (Thames Turbo); =9 Warren Evans (Thames Turbo); =9 Mark Hubbard (TM Racing); =9 Stuart Potts (TM Racing); =9 Peter Davis (TM Racing); =9 Russell Cross (TM Racing); =9 David Baeon (TM Racing); =9 Sean Keith (TM Racing); =9 Hannah Bussey (VC Meudon); 29 Alan Brooks (Crawley); 37 Kate Foster (Thames Turbo).
SUNDAY, MARCH 20 – SURREY LEAGUE/KINGSTON WHEELERS, DUNSFOLD, 2/3, 70 MILES: 1 DAVID WILLIAMS (LONDON DYNAMO); 3:00:00; 2 Mark Scoular (unatt); 3 Colin McDermott (Festival); 4 Paul Tucker (Oxford University); 5 Philip Riley (Southborough and District); 6 Neil Whelan (Southborough and District); 7 Stuart McManus (agiskoviner.com); 8 Dave Creegan (VC Meudon); 9 Stephen Cave (34th Nomads); 10 John Tuckett (Oxford University); 11 Philip Glowinski (VC Londres) 12 James McManus (Gemini); 13 Gianluca Cappello (British Airways); 14 David Larcombe (VC Meudon); 15 Mark Simmonds (Kingsnorth International); 16 Craig Wilson (VC Meudon); 17 Steve Ferguson (Team Maestro); 18 Colin Bateman (Festival); 19 TOM LANGLEY (LONDON DYNAMO); 20 Mike Hawkins (Norwood Paragon); 21 Jaco Ehlers (De Rosa); 22 William Thomas (Viner Agisko); 23 MARTIN WILLIAMSON (LONDON DYNAMO); 24 David Kennett (Fit-For); 25 Lee Smith (agiskoviner.com); 41 JOSEPH STEGERS (LONDON DYNAMO); 49 Seth Kay (poshbikes.com).
SUNDAY, MARCH 20 – SURREY LEAGUE/KINGSTON WHEELERS, DUNSFOLD, 3/J, 50 MILES: 1 Richard Smith (Farnborough and Camberley); 2:07:00; 2 Robert Cranstone (VC Meudon); 3 John Hyde (Basingstoke); 4 Mark Bremner (VC Meudon); 5 Thorsten Klassen (Kingston Wheelers); +2:00; 6 Tony Gordon (Pearson Cycles); 7 TOM DAVIES (LONDON DYNAMO); 8 David Pook (Pearson Cycles); +2:15; 9 Thomas Roberts (Brighton Excelsior) +2:30; 10 Terry Morgan (VC Meudon) +4:00; 11 Stephen Hammer (unatt); 12 Ben Heinrich (I-team.co.uk) +5:00; 13 PIERS STANSFIELD (LONDON DYNAMO); 14 Colin Summerfield (VC Meudon); 15 Martin Sellars (I-team.co.uk); 30 Russell Scott (VC Meudon).
SATURDAY, MARCH 26 – MONDAY, MARCH 28, 2005 – SIGMA SPORT EASTER 3 DAY, FINAL RANKINGS: 1 Gary Dodd (Sigma Sport) 8:18:18; 2 Mark McKay (Alpha) 8:18:18; 3 Rowan Boswood (Mid Devon) 8:18:18; 4 Philip Gale (GA Cycles) 8:18:18; 5 Brett Perez (agiskoviner.com) 8:18:18; 6 Chris McNamara (Tunbridge Wells) 8:18:34; 7 TOM HEMMANT (LONDON DYNAMO) 8:18:34; 8 Joel Stewart (agiskoviner.com) 8:18:34; 9 Henry Furniss (Ride Beyond) 8:19:19; 10 Graeme Lackford (Cycleurope-Bianchi) 8:19:19; 11 Matthew Talbot (Glendene); 8:19:19; 12 Stephen Gowar (Pacific Racing) 8:19:21; 13 Ian Legg (unatt) 8:19:36; 14 Andy Parker (Mid Devon); 8:19:53; 15 Jules Berks (Cycleurope-Bianchi) 8:19:53; 16 Simon McNamara (Tunbridge Wells) 8:26:18; 17 Jamie Higgins (unatt); 8:26:19; 18 Jamie Newell (Evans); 8:26:19; 19 Stephen Dring (Stilton) 8:26:23; 20 Jaco Ehlers (De Rosa) 8:26:29; 63 Chris Richardson (agiskoviner.com) 9:38:32.
SATURDAY, MARCH 26 – SURREY LEAGUE/CC BASINGSTOKE, MILLAND HILL, 2/3, 51 MILES: 1 Richard Smith (Farnborough & Camberley) 2:13:00; 2 Robert Cranstone (VC Meudon); 3 John Tuckett (Oxford University); 4 DAVID WILLIAMS (LONDON DYNAMO); 5 Sean Kilroy (Glendene); 6 TOM LANGLEY (LONDON DYNAMO); 7 MARTIN WILLIAMSON (LONDON DYNAMO); 8 JOSEPH STEGERS (LONDON DYNAMO); 9 Gavin Morton (Charlotteville); 10 Colin Tamon (Tunbridge Wells); 11 Seth Kay (poshbikes.com); 12 Tim Lawn (Kingston Wheelers); 13 Julian Bray (London Phoenix); 14 Lee Chaplin (Twickenham); 15 David Larcombe (VC Meudon); 40 Paul Tucker (Oxford University).
MONDAY, March 28 – Surrey League/Crawley CC, Staplefield, 2/3/J, 52 miles: 1 John Tuckett (Oxford University) 2:22:00; 2 Daniel Duguid (Evans) 3 Scott Budgen (Pearson Cycles) +1:11; 4 James McManus (Gemini BC); 5 Kris Davidson (Sigma) +1:23; 6 Philip Riley (Southborough and District) +3:49; 7 Dave McMullan (Evans) +3:56; 8 Thomas Smith (Twickenham); 9 Matthew Houghton (Rutland); 10 James McVey (Kingston Wheelers); 11 Gianluca Cappello (British Airways); 12 Matt Spurgin (Evans); 13 Marlon Moncrieffe (unatt); 14 GORDON KEENEWAY (LONDON DYNAMO); 15 Julian Bray (London Phoenix); 16 Seth Kay (poshbikes.com); 17 Thomas Dominic (Oxford University); 18 TOM UNDERHILL (LONDON DYNAMO); 19 Jonathan Gormley (McQuaid Tyres); 20 Christian Yates (In Gear); 41 Nigel Smith (Twickenham).
THE LAST WORD
“The mountains were never my cup of tea.”
The DYNAMITE! Files 
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