London Dynamo Newsletter #5, 30.04.04

November 21, 2010

London Dynamo Newsletter #5, 30.04.04

After months in the making, it has attained a status in Dynamo circles almost as mythical as the Golden Fleece. Some cynics believed its existence was just an old fable passed down by cycling heroes of yore, while others, such as Homeric orator GUY ANDREWS, spoke feverishly of an epic journey across distant lands which would one day end in Covent Garden. But now, by Zeus, it has finally arrived, giving dozens of delirious Dyna-mates cause to praise the great goddess Polly Ester for lavishing the official London Dynamo Team Kit upon us. And, of course, your fashion-conscious Newsletter darted into the Cyclefit changing room as soon as we could to take part in this historic event. Now where did that strap from our bib shorts go…

Within minutes of Monday’s official announcement, we witnessed literally several people racing down to Macklin Street to get themselves kitted up. Blonde bombshell NICK PEACOCK wasn’t going to let a crash stop him from showing off his fabulous figure in a brand-new skin-tight Dynamo 2004 outfit – but his efforts to be the first wearing the hallowed black and blue suit were scuppered by WARRICK ‘STICKLER’ SPENCE. The sneaky Cyclefit technician had already nabbed one set out of the box for himself before the talkative lawyer could yell “Objection!” And to add insult to the injuries Nick sustained at Saturday’s 4th cat race in Chertsey – road rash and a fractured radius – he was turned away empty-handed by Warrick because he had not received the list of authorised members who were permitted to snap up their kit. He’ll see you in court, pal! Thankfully, time trialling Dynamette REBECCA STUBBS managed to avoid the need for costly litigation when she rolled by Cyclefit a short time later and left with two sets of devilishly handsome uniforms – one for herself and another for her curly-haired colleague. Obviously Serotta guru PHIL CAVELL isn’t immune to a bit of feminine charm! Meanwhile, Dynamo heart-throb ALEX BALFOUR gave us all an eyeful of his hunky figure by posting a snap of himself dressed in his brand new team kit on the Dynamo web forum. Now that’s what we call one for the ladies!

Like all must-have garments, the initial run of jerseys and shorts are strictly limited edition. Some have speculated that the smallness of the first consignment is a shoddy mistake on the part of manufacturers Pro-Vision, who are sadly unavailable for comment. Nevertheless, the Newsletter believes that everyone should share in the happiness of The Kit’s momentous arrival, not just the 25 lucky winners who received an official email from Clothing Tsar RUSSELL SHORT on Monday morning. So here, in full, is all you need to know about the only kit in the peloton that really matters…
* The jersey is dark blue with vertical black panels on the shoulders and each side. Orange strips tastefully accentuate the edges of the black areas in a manner that is not altogether displeasing. It’s a colour scheme that marks out London Dynamo as a team of taste and distinction, while also showing it is friendly enough to buy its chums a round of buns at the clubhouse.
* The London Dynamo logo is proudly emblazoned across the chest in white and orange against a black background. The “sandwich” design – two horizontal strips of blue with a thinner portion of black in the middle – creates a classic look reminiscent of Eddy Merckx’s Molteni jersey. But unlike the great man, you’ll be showing off the logo of London’s top cycling team rather than the name of a sausage manufacturer.
* The jersey’s zip runs right down to the bottom, giving you the chance to expose your chest and tummy in the manner of King of the Mountains Richard Virenque as you toil up the Richmond Park pimple on a boiling hot day.
* “London Dynamo” appears a total of 13 times on both the shorts and the jersey. If only Norris McWhirter had managed to stay alive just a little bit longer, then he would surely declare this to be some sort of record. * The fit is quite snug.
* It is, according to the label, made in Poland. So that’s why it took so long to get here!

But it’s not just The Kit that has been astounding us in the Newsletter bunker. Humble TOM HEMMANT, who doesn’t normally blow his own trumpet, deserves a rich, fruity parp for his incredible achievements this week. Dynamo’s quiet man stealthily captured 1st place at the 80km 3rd cat race in Chertsey on Saturday – which also saw ROB JEFFROY’s return following his injury. Tom saved his energy to outgun the massed ranks of Addiscombe in the sprint – and in a rare show of bravura, the soft-spoken hero said of the gaudy yellow cavaliers: “They turned out to be all show.” That’s a comment they won’t find too Agreeable, mate! Not content with bagging the much sought-after London Dynamo Newsletter Result Of The Week, he also looked after CHRIS WARD’s kids after the International Man Of Leisure turned up too late to race in the 4th cat event. (Laid-back Chris revealed on the Dynamo forum that he entered the same race as Tom anyway and came 11th. His relaxed style is an inspiration to us all!) And as if that wasn’t enough, Tom went on to brave the nastiest downpour of the season so far to stay the distance in the E1/2/3 race at Hillingdon – which is more than can be said for many others who threw in the towel with one lap to go. He took 9th place for his efforts and described Heathrow-based wonderkid Lewis Atkins as “an animal,” adding: “I think he was just doing intervals by riding off the front of the bunch and then sitting up.” You tell him, Tom! As a reward for his efforts this week, Keith “I’ll Get You” Butler will be whisking away London Dynamo’s fast-rising star for an all-expenses paid trip to Wales on May 23. Unfortunately, the Surrey League supremo will expect him to compete in a three-stage race with team mates ‘MEDICAL’ MIKE DEBNEY, SAM HUMPHESON and JOHN OLDRIDGE while he’s there. The two-day L’Etape De La Defonce begins with a time trial – and Tom confessed: “I’m not even sure what you do with tri bars!” Don’t worry – the ever-patient TT master GUY ANDREWS is always on hand to help! We were going to mention a 200km Audax which Tom did in north Wales a couple of weeks ago with CHRIS CHAPMAN, RICHARD DOLBY, LUCY DOVE and “some pretty scary beards”, but frankly his exploits are now taking up huge WARRICK SPENCE-like portions in this Newsletter. Sling yer hook, pal – we’ve got a lot to get through!

…but London Dynamo isn’t snoring! Plucky PAUL CALLINAN proved the club’s jerseys and bib shorts won’t fade in the wash by subjecting himself to a thorough soaking at The Kit’s inauspicious debut on Tuesday – or Terrible Tuesday as it will become known in the Dynamo history books. Our fearless club secretary, who has just recovered from a bout of bronchitis, revealed how he risked a return to his sickbed by subjecting himself to “an operatic extravaganza of thunder and lightning and very, very frightening speed” at Goodwood’s E1/2/3/4/J/W 60km race. At least ‘MEDICAL’ MIKE DEBNEY was on hand if Paul became poorly again! The duo watched the elites and 1st cats go from the gun while they settled into a chasing group of eight. Alas, chaos ruled as the fierce wind whipped across the exposed circuit in all directions – and Paul admitted: “We had no idea who was where after four laps.” Dynamo triathlete DOMINIC PAUL, who competed in the Sevenoaks triathlon a couple of weeks ago and came an impressive 3rd in a field of around 200, was also one of the 70-strong field at the Goodwood Gallop. Confused Dom admitted: “No-one knows what the finishing order was as the race was suddenly cut short!” Yet the tenacious trio still managed to finish – which is more than can be said for GUY ANDREWS who didn’t even manage to get started on the training race at the newly reopened Crystal Palace circuit on the same soaking wet night. Grumpy Guy moaned: “I was the only sad twat there.” But CHRIS CAMPBELL and GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL were even sadder to abandon their journey to Hillingdon as they shivered beneath the Hammersmith flyover, leaving ROB TUBBS to provide the club’s sole presence in the 4th cat race. To add to their humiliation, Rob opened his BCF points account by taking 4th at Chertsey on Saturday. The two pansies – who are quite literally pointless – will never be able to look him in the eye again!

Brilliant news – KEN BUIST has been spotted for the second week running! Club secretary PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN saw the enigmatic Aussie supping Hoegarden beer by the Thames in Kingston on Sunday. Paul revealed: “Ken wasn’t himself as he didn’t verbally abuse anyone for at least two hours.” Fantastic stuff! With two sightings in two weeks, the pressure is now on for us to turn this into a regular feature. You can help out by letting us know if you’ve spotted London Dynamo’s lone rider recently – the address, as ever, is This is becoming the best part of the Newsletter, isn’t it?

It’s just so annoying – happy-go-lucky MARTIN WILLIAMSON simply refuses to stop enjoying his cycling! The beaming 2nd cat rider chased down a break on the 14th lap of Chertsey’s 100km 1/2 race on Saturday while a group of Freerider lads sat on the front and held back the group. But the attacks soon came and he spent a lot of energy chasing them down, leaving him too tired for the sprint. Martin came 13th – but he refused to let it get him down. The elated Dyna-mate revealed he was “pleased” with his performance because it shows he’s strong enough to get a place alongside the big boys. Pleased? Someone point out to him that this cycling business has nothing to do with pleasure!

Sadly, we have come to the moment where we must pack our lovely London Dynamo team outfit into our sports bag and put on our civvies – but not before we thank you, the magnanimous readership, for clothing us in hand-stitched race reports and tailor-made gossip. Without you, we would be nude. The address for all your input is, as ever, The deadline is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s mailout. And with feisty PHIL CAVELL banging on the changing room door, demanding to know what on Earth we’re getting up to in here, it only remains for us to remind you about…

the Parkride is officially suspended for a second week. But fear not, for there will be an exciting announcement on the ride’s future in our next edition – and if last Saturday is anything to go by, then quite a few regulars will probably show up at 9am at Roehampton Gate for an unofficial ride anyway.

Hampton Court bridge, 9am for Surrey Hills ride. 50ish miles at a steady pace. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink and a pair of wellies.

Richmond Gate, Richmond Park, 7:30pm. Steady two-hour ride to Surrey and back. And on MONDAY we’ve got another glittering Dynamo social evening at A Bar 2 Far in Kingston from around 7.30pm. Get down to the venue at the Griffin Centre in Market Place to hear Paul’s bizarre anecdote about Gethin “son of Keith” Butler and many other cycling-related gems. Or just enjoy gallons of falling-down water – the choice, quite literally, is yours!

So until next week, goodbye and happy riding.

London Dynamo Newsletter.

THE SMALL PRINT…, quite clearly, completely absent. The Dynamo-centric results service will be back next week or whenever the BCF decides to update its website. Our humblest apologies.

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