London Dynamo Newsletter #6, 07.05.04
EU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP
They don’t look like us, they’ve moved into our territory as if it’s rightfully theirs and frankly they are beginning to take over. But let’s not be too quick to judge, because this newly-enlarged edition of your liberal, forward-thinking Newsletter will be throwing open the floodgates to that much-misunderstood minority known as the triathlete. Not content with notching up impressive placings in their own events, these hulking Goliaths are belittling the skinny, humble cyclist by taking what is rightfully ours – a clutch of valuable BCF points. You give them a race, and they take it by a mile! One Dynamate who is currently in another EU member state for a tough triathlon will soon return to a cushy life back in Blighty – so in an effort to bridge the culture gap, we thought now would be a good time to celebrate their strange customs and ridiculous clothing. Now where did we put that pair of improbably tight Speedos…
TRI AND TRI AGAIN…
Human powerhouse GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL turned on his twin cylinders again at the swanky Sunbury Leisure Centre on Bank Holiday Monday to clinch 5th place overall in the second Thames Turbo Triathlon. The strapping six-footer is usually a pretty laid-back kinda Guy, but he was quick to anger after coming 2nd in the swim during the first Turbo – “No-one,” he fumed afterwards, “NO-ONE beats me in the water.” So wet a relief for the big Guy to come 1st in the pool second time around and then grab the top spot on his bike. Hurrah! Sadly, it was a different story when Guy swapped two wheels for two feet and came 22nd. “I really must learn how to run,” he sighed. But we think the hard-working, hard-playing rider was probably just a little tired after relentlessly attacking and working at the front during the 25-mile 3/4 race at Eastway on Saturday. In the delightfully twee phrase used by London Cycle Sport to describe one of Powdrill’s previous performances, his efforts amid the 70-strong field “came to nought” after he eased up into a corner on one of the final laps and dozens of riders shot past, relegating him to 38th. Where is GUY ANDREWS’ tactical masterclass when you need it!
…AND AGAIN…
Apologetic DOMINIC PAUL dropped the Newsletter a brief line to say “sorry” for doing brilliantly in the Milton Keynes Sprint Triathlon on Sunday. He came 4th out of 170 and notched up the 2nd fastest bike split. What’s there to be sorry about, man? Apparently, the modest fella reckons triathlon news is a “bore”. Literally several readers would completely disagree with you, Dom – and we defy you to read the next item without a feeling of heart-throbbing excitement!
…AND YET AGAIN
Point-gobbling 2nd cat star MARTIN WILLIAMSON will be sitting at the top of the triathlon tree tomorrow – because the proud patriot will become the first Dynamate to represent our great nation. Martin qualified for the Triathlon Championships in Madeira by placing high at the Bala Triathlon last September. He’ll be part of Great Britain’s 18-strong 25-29 age group and a total of 300 plucky Brits have jetted out to show the Portuguese exactly what we’re made of. No doubt Dynamo’s good-looking glamour boy has already been lapping up the attention at the team photo shoot, but we’re sure it won’t distract him from the job in hand. The course, which Martin reckons is “perfect” for him, consists of a swim in the port, a 25-mile hilly bike ride with a long 19% climb and a pan-flat run. On behalf of everyone in London Dynamo, we would like to climb on our desk, perform a stiff salute and wish you the best of British, sir!
MISSION IMPROBABLE
Yet however well Martin does this weekend, his achievement will already have been dwarfed by determined Dynamette REBECCA STUBBS, who managed to infiltrate a secret organisation on Bank Holiday Monday and evade capture. Her mission, and she chose to accept it, was to undertake a two-hour drive in the pouring rain to reach “some tiny village hall in High Easter, Back Of Beyond, Essex”. Having reached her rendezvous, secret agents then revealed a vital piece of hush-hush information: she had to cycle 20mins through poorly-signposted roads to reach the start of her 10-mile time trial. “To say I cut it fine is an under-exaggeration,” she reveals. “I arrived at the start to hear my number being yelled. With 30 seconds to go, I threw my extra layers of kit into the open boot of a nearby car, pulled the skinsuit over my shoulders while a helpful bystander pinned my number to my back and set off only a few seconds late. Brilliant.” Quite why the start of any cycling event has to be so cloak-and dagger is a mystery to the Newsletter – yet Rebecca points out: “Time trialling isn’t illegal anymore but perhaps they just miss the subterfuge.” After all that pre-race excitement, it must have been a bit of an anti-climax for Rebecca to clinch 3rd lady with a personal best time of 26.53. There was no clandestine hunt for GUY ANDREWS, who managed to find Eastway on Saturday without any problems before winning the ECCA Festival 10-mile time trial in 23m 27s. Dynamo’s grouch-in-chief also came 3rd in Sunday’s ECCA 25-mile TT before notching up another 3rd place at the season’s first proper race at Crystal Palace on Tuesday – but we’ll brush over these impressive results as it would probably cheer him up to receive a bit of praise. He wouldn’t be the Guy everyone knows and loves if he wasn’t grumpy!
A LITTLE KIT MORE…
There’s also the possibility that delirious Dynamates will treat Guy like a god when he delivers yet more fabulous kit to Dynamo Towers. That’s right, chums – after a clothing drought lasting many months, we are heading for a deluge of every type of cycling-related garment imaginable, proudly emblazoned with the London Dynamo brand. Here, in full, is the list of what everyone will be wearing by Hampton Court Bridge this season…
* Luscious long-sleeve jerseys, £40.
* Wonderful Windstopper-type gilets, £50.
* Sensational skin suits, £60 short sleeve and £70 long sleeve.
Smart-dressed man PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN, who always meets his public in the finest outfits that Switzerland has to offer, reckons these skin suits are as good as anything he has in his considerable wardrobe. Let’s hope he’s right – we wouldn’t want him looking a total Assos! And there’s even more great news – you can order whatever you want right now. Just email kit@londondynamo.co.uk and state what size you need. Bibs and jerseys are still available for £65 per set or £33 and £32 respectively. Tantalisingly, mitts and overshoes will also be available soon – if you’re interested, just let clothing co-ordinator GUY ANDREWS know at the same email address. Please note that the Dynamo Accounts Department needs a deposit of at least 50% of your order as soon as possible. Kit doesn’t grow on trees, you know!
…AND EVEN MORE
But even though it costs a fair old whack to have the London Dynamo logo splashed across every conceivable part of your anatomy, you are certain to be repaid in the amount of attention paid by our racing adversaries. Triathlete ROB TUBBS, who was at Hillingdon last Tuesday in his snappy Dynamo threads, reveals: “I heard a couple of favourable comments, there were several admiring glances and one bloke even said he would join us next year because of the cool kit!” He’ll be the first of many, Rob! Meanwhile, ALEX ‘BIG AL’ BALFOUR writes: “I’m convinced John of London Cycle Sport took at least three pictures of me at the back of the bunch at Eastway on Saturday. I think he was trying to get a shot of the new kit. Maybe someone in the timekeeper’s box also took a shine to the kit and that’s why I was awarded an utterly improbable prime.” Perhaps your jersey is a magical cloak, Alex – it whisks you past the line without you having to try! The large lad, who finished two places behind GUY POWDRILL, unfurled the full power and authority of the Dynamo kit when he got off his bike afterwards to remonstrate with a rider who had been pushing his rivals out of the way during the race. The ruffian immediately backed down – although his sudden cowardice probably has more to do with the towering rower’s oar-some 6ft 3in physique than our devilishly attractive uniforms. The only fly in the ointment comes from nit-picking NICK PEACOCK. He praises the kit’s “fantastic design” and “bold colours” while noting that it has “enough Cyclefit references to maybe get a smile from PHIL CAVELL”. But he moans: “It’s too bloody small, even when I have large shorts and an extra large jersey. All movement – even breathing – is out of the question. Am I doomed to be revealed as someone who was simply not intended to be a cyclist or should I start a campaign for special odd-sized kit?” We’ll pass that one on to the big boys, Nick! Any “differently-shaped” Dynamo members who have had trouble squeezing into their kit should email news@londondynamo.co.uk. If we get enough complaints, the Newsletter will launch a pioneering campaign. They powers-that-be in the top floor of Dynamo Towers will ignore us at their peril!
KEN WATCH!
Incredible news! For the third week running, we have a sighting of London Dynamo’s wily renegade KEN BUIST. Eagle-eyed PAUL CALLINAN reveals that the enigmatic Aussie “has a drug problem”. But our Kingston-based club secretary is merely joshing, for he reveals: “Ken was chasing the white lines down the middle of the road on Sunday.” Amazingly, our laconic chum plans to move into the glitzy world of fashion. Paul adds: “He’s releasing his own designer brand called DQ Wear.” Do you have a DQ what Ken is on about? Or have you spotted Dynamo’s lone rider recently? Email news@londondynamo with the full details, no matter how trivial. We’ve got to keep this going for at least one more week!
IT’S CHAS NOT FAIR
This is becoming a habit! Fearsome warrior WARRICK SPENCE has once again clinched the prestigious London Dynamo Newsletter Result Of The Week and made every Dynamo rider increasingly jealous by taking 3rd place in the Chas Messenger 3-day stage race. Some of the best riders in the country raced in the event over the Bank Holiday weekend and the Cyclefit technician took them on without the help of any team-mates. Pop into Macklin Street if you’re passing and give him a well-deserved pat on the back – he’s already received far too much acclaim from previous editions of the Newsletter!
TOUR BLIMEY!
Journeyman JOHN OLDRIDGE has been preparing for his forthcoming stage race in Wales by taking the Dynamo brand on tour. The north-east was treated to a slice of London’s finest at Newcastle’s Sloan Trophy race on Sunday which saw John take 19th place after a gruelling 95 miles. On Saturday 24th April he nabbed 2nd place in the National Railway Time Trial Championship, which was part of the Northampton and District CA 31 mile time trial, and finished 9th overall. Don’t wear yourself out, John – we need you for Wales!
WE’VE TRI-ED OUR BEST…
…and we hope that this liberal, open-minded Newsletter has changed some of the prejudice which triathletes have had to suffer. Please remember that we are a broad church, but we would be nothing without you, our beloved congregation. So please send all your race reports, results, gossip and sightings of KEN BUIST to news@londondynamo.co.uk. And now, as saintly RUSSELL SHORT begins pumping his improbably huge pipe organ for a rousing chorus of Sing Hosanna, it only remains for us to remind you about…
THIS WEEK’S RIDES
SATURDAY the Parkride. The fiercely independent Newsletter isn’t usually a mouthpiece for the Dynamo board of directors, but this important announcement has to come straight from the top for it to carry any authority. So it’s over to Chief Executive GUY ANDREWS, who has just this minute stepped out of the boardroom…
“Thanks, mate. If we are to continue with the Parkride year-round, then we need to have some structure. Most of the experienced riders – the ones who shout orders – are now racing most Saturdays so organisation is becoming tricky.
“This is why the ride has been suspended. The situation will continue from now until October unless we can get some further assistance from the membership.”In the future we would like to see smaller groups of no more than 10 with at least one Dynamo ‘old boy’ per group. This could mean six groups or more on the road and requires someone to organise and pick the teams at the start.
“So we really need some volunteers to take the smaller groups – experienced riders who don’t mind organising a group.
“For more info on this see the website forum and check the thread for you to volunteer assistance where there will also be plans for the coming weekend. “Also, if you know anyone who is still coming on the ride and hasn’t joined London Dynamo then please remind them it’s a club ride. Now it’s back to the Newsletter.”
Thanks, Guy. Here are the rest of this week’s rides…
SUNDAY Hampton Court bridge, 9am for Surrey Hills ride. 50ish miles at a steady pace. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink and a firm handshake.
WEDNESDAY Richmond Gate, Richmond Park, 7:30pm. Steady two-hour ride to Surrey and back.
So until next week, goodbye and happy riding.
London Dynamo Newsletter.
The DYNAMITE! Files 
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