London Dynamo Newsletter #7, 14.05.04
FLAW AND DISORDER
Your fair-minded, even-handed and above-board Newsletter tries to be an impartial judge at the best of times – but it has become increasingly clear to us that a couple of recent races have ended more embarrassingly than Richard ‘Cry-Baby’ Virenque’s famous appearance on the witness stand. Two riders thought they had clinched victory this week only to be told by strict British Cycling Federation lawmakers that they had lost their case. But let’s not lock ’em up and throw away the key just yet! There is a strong possibility, members of the jury, that both riders were victims of the total and utter chaos that ruled each event. This latest edition of your favourite cycling-related weekly email update-a-thon will sift through the evidence and judge each case on its merits. Here comes the first witness…
WON FOR THE LADIES
Twin-cylinder titan GUY ‘I’VE GOT THE POWER’ POWDRILL was firmly in the driving seat at Ladies Mile on Sunday – and The Engine’s peak performance was partly driven by some great tactical steering from a group of well-oiled Dynamo spark plugs. Forming what is probably the best team turnout in a single race since the Hillingdon beginners’ events back in February, ROB ‘ALL-WEATHER’ TUBBS, ALEX ‘BIG AL’ BALFOUR, ‘AUSSIE’ CRAIG THOMPSON and TOM ‘QUIET MAN’ HEMMANT set the pace in fine style. Tom, Craig and Alex then sat up at the front of the 32-mile 3/4/W/J race in East Grinstead, giving Guy the opportunity to a launch a potentially suicidal one-man break with 16 miles to go. But the fantastic four were stunned when no-one reacted to their tactics, leaving the towering triathlete to time-trial the remaining four laps – and amazingly, he romped home almost two minutes ahead of the bunch. Back of the net! And lucky Guy wins the prestigious London Dynamo Newsletter Result Of The Week gong for his efforts. Official race results have been strangely unforthcoming from BCF central this week, but unverified reports state that Rob clinched 7th place and Craig came 13th while Alex reckons he was also “up there”. Tom had a visit from the bothersome mechanical fairy and dropped out when the pesky imp flipped off his chain. Bad luck, sir! The Addiscombe rider who won the sprint celebrated in true Tour De France style with a two-handed victory salute until Rob discreetly pointed out that he’d made himself look like a bit of an Eric Zabel. The Tubbster confessed: “I had to cycle alongside him and explain we had a rider up the road for over half the race. ‘You’re joking!’ he said. So the rest of the peloton had not even noticed our rider go.” For the love of David Millar, you’re hardly likely to miss him – he’s 6ft 4in tall!
TWIT AT A CRIT
But the roles were reversed at Hillingdon on Tuesday when it was the turn of a Dynamo rider to fall victim to race confusion and look a complete fool. With the British Cycling ombudsman signalling four laps to go, hapless CHRIS CAMPBELL began jockeying for position in the 4/W/J race and was amazed to find himself first over the line after the final sprint. But the BCF officials had extended the race by another two laps to prevent riders smacking into the back of the E/1/2/3 boys – so careless Campbell, having wasted his time and energy, had to be content with a mediocre bunch finish while ALEX BASTIN reclaimed some Dynamo dignity by finishing a respectable 7th. Unbelievably – and we’re not making this up – the former fatman got some more bad news the following day when he discovered he was the subject of an unflattering vignette on page 5 of the latest edition of Private Eye. He has no idea what he’s done to deserve this!
THEY’RE COMING KIT AND FAST
At least Hillingdon proved once again that London Dynamo riders are the best-dressed in the bunch as the flurry of compliments from our rivals continued for a third week running. A gentlemen from a certain Surrey club told the Newsletter in strictest confidence by the side of the circuit that he is set to become a Dynamate purely on the basis of our fabulous kit. Even Addiscombe rider and occasional Sunday Surrey Hiller Toks Adesanya was impressed by his first glimpse of the striking blue, black and orange design striding out of the clubhouse. Meanwhile, the Newsletter spotted hunky ALEX BALFOUR on Thursday 6th riding leisurely along Millbank in the hallowed “sandwich-style” retro jersey – and the oar-some rower wasn’t even on his way to a race! You can follow Big Al’s lead in promoting the Dynamo brand by emailing news@londondynamo.co.uk and letting us know of any more flattering comments you may have received from the cycling community or the general public. We won’t be satisfied until the kit’s a hit with every person on the planet!
MUST TRI HARDER
As the Newsletter hurtles towards our landmark issue 10, we feel it’s about time we admitted our shortcomings with this, the inaugural notes and corrections corner. There were a few inaccuracies and omissions in our Triathlon Special last week, most glaringly in our coverage of the Thames Turbo event which concentrated solely on the efforts of 5th-placed GUY POWDRILL. Tri virgin DAVID SPENCER asked us to cast our eye further down the finishing sheet where he is listed as 94th out of the 230-strong field – an achievement described as “a very respectable first performance” by tri master MARTIN WILLIAMSON. David revealed that he was hampered by a dodgy right knee and “some dubious transition technique” – but he vowed: “I’ll be back for TT3 and TT4 so the ‘Powerdrill’ better watch out!” That’s fighting talk! Meanwhile, TOM HEMMANT just missed our deadline when he dropped a note to point out that Dynamette LUCY DOVE grabbed 5th lady. Ever-eager to shine a light on the achievements of others, humble Hemmant adds that Dove did all white in the 80km WCRA Women’s Team Series event on May 2nd at Crowhurst as a member of the Surrey League ‘B’ team. Tom reveals: “She came 29th out of 60 – not bad for her first race.” Not bad indeed! But it was Mr Williamson’s adventures during the Agegroup World Triathlon Championships in Madeira which sent the biggest ripple of anticipation in the Newsletter bunker – and he didn’t disappoint. Dynamo’s glamour boy came 40th out of the 105 competitors in his age group after experiencing terrifying moments that would make some athletes get on the first flight home. Martin said of the choppy water in Funchal’s port: “The Australians were shouting and whooping: ‘Waves – just like home! Bring it on!’ Everyone else quietly shat themselves. I got literally swam over at one point and got hit and kicked loads.” And that was all before the buttock-clenching bike descents of 52mph! Martin added: “The run went very well although it wasn’t until the 2nd of three laps that I was really confident of even finishing. I think it’s difficult to exaggerate how hard the race was.” Beaming Martin has sent us a pic of him reaching the finishing line which we’ll endeavour to post on the Dynamo site. He certainly looks like he’s had the smile wiped off his face!
KEN WATCH!
Disaster! After three weeks of flashing on the Newsletter radar, crafty KEN BUIST has managed to vanish from sight. More worryingly, the elusive Aussie is now on KATRIN KANDEL’s wanted list following a dispute over who could take home Cyclefit’s last two Cinelli bars. The feisty former Parkrider stormed into the Macklin Street bike emporium with her burly trainer Martin Early and forced terrified technician WARRICK SPENCE to hand over the pair – even though one of the bars had already been earmarked for our Ken. Cyclefit guru JULIAN ‘WONDER’ WALL has asked us to pass on Katrin’s message to Dynamo’s renegade rider, which was shrieked to him as follows: “If Ken wants his Cinelli bars then he better bring back my Campagnolo bottle cage. He has 48 hours before he starts receiving severed carbon parts in the mail.” Crikey! Who would have guessed that the chatty Yank could be so quick to anger? And will she come to blows with the Buister? If you’re out there, Ken, please let us know of your whereabouts at news@londondynamo.co.uk. We just want to know you’re safe…
WE REST OUR CASE
An open verdict has been passed and the judge’s gavel has come down – which means it’s time for you, the jury, to return to civilian life. Always remember that we are the shining sword of truth, but we would be nothing without you, our trusty shield of British fair play. So please send us your news, gossip, sightings of KEN BUIST and proof of how devilishly handsome you look in the new Dynamo kit to news@londondynamo.co.uk. And now, as a policeman takes us firmly by the arm and escorts us out of the courtroom, it only remains for us to remind you about…
THIS WEEK’S RIDES
SATURDAY
the Parkride. Richmond Park, Roehampton Gate, 9am. Anyone who wants to lead a group should leave a message on the Dynamo forum.
SUNDAY
Hampton Court bridge, 9am for Surrey Hills ride. 50ish miles at a steady pace. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink and your “I dislike Jaguar owners” membership card.
WEDNESDAY
Richmond Gate, Richmond Park, 7:30pm. Steady two-hour ride to Surrey and back.
So until next week, goodbye and happy riding.
London Dynamo Newsletter.
THE SMALL PRINT
…is absent again. Your Dynamo-centric results round-up will return next week when British Cycling puts 10p in their meter.
If you have any other queries email us on **********@Londondynamo.co.uk
The DYNAMITE! Files 
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