DYNAMITE! #100, 19.05.06

November 20, 2010

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DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #100, 19.05.06
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+++ Having a blast every Friday +++ Dyna-mail news, views, and gossip to dynamite@londondynamo.co.uk +++ Check out DYNAMITE! on the web – go to http://www.londondynamo.co.uk and click “newsletter” +++ Have a peek at our pics at http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/foru /album_personal.php?user_id=321 +++ WEEKEND WEATHER: Sat, sunny intervals, 17C max, wind W 18mph; Sun, sunny intervals, 16C max, wind W 18mph +++
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OUR NUMBER’S UP
+++ Prepare for a decline in quality as we pass the triple-figure milestone +++
The batsman who has scored a century can’t keep walloping sixes for ever, a grandmother in receipt of a telegram from the Queen surely knows she is not long for this world, and history tells us that every era succumbs to a mood of cultural decline as it passes from the nineties to the noughties – so it is with a feeling of fin-de-siècle ennui that this publication reaches its 100th issue. It’s all downhill from here, Dynamates! Our best puns, if that’s the correct adjective, are already behind us! But rather than wallow in the gloom, the editorial team is determined to celebrate some of the greatest moments since your favourite Dynamatic publication was first Dyna-mailed from our famous soundproof bunker in the bowels of Dynamo Towers two years, one month, one week and two days ago. There’ll be a selection of the best headlines ever to appear in DYNAMITE! and an exposé of the controversial origins behind certain members’ memorable Dyna-monikers – plus, of course, we have all of the week’s racing news. So without further ado, let’s roll back the pages of history as we begin this bumper-sized, gilt-edged, non-individually-numbered collectors’ edition with…

SEVEN DAYS THAT SHOOK THE NEWSLETTER
+++ The dramatic events that turned this periodical into an institution +++
DAY ONE
WHEN: 23rd April, 2004
WHAT: The first sighting of KEN BUIST is published
HOW: Hunched over his blue Dolan one minute and then suddenly disappearing for weeks on end, enigmatic New Zealander Ken had fascinated many ‘Mos for months before we suggested in issue #3 that readers might like to send in sightings of the man himself for a regular feature. That casual request has resulted in a consistently enthusiastic response which has turned the Buister into the most frequently-mentioned Dynamate in this publication – and it was lanky property broker GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL who got the ball rolling by spotting Ken in A Certain Gray’s Inn Road Bicycle Emporium. He said in issue #4: “Ken was wearing a blue overcoat and had been meeting a client in the Holborn area. He looked smart but casual. The time must have been circa 4pm – what better time to peruse one of London’s premier cycling retailers? Ken spotted me while I was admiring some Assos knee-warmers. We chatted briefly about – you guessed it – stems. I bought the knee warmers and then left. The last time I saw Ken was downstairs discussing frames with a staff member. We parted with a tearful wave. The entire incident couldn’t have lasted more than six minutes.” This, of course, was when the club had a mere 50 or so members – and now it’s five times that size, Ken has become something of a mascot, uniting dozens of disparate Dynamates by the mere mention of his name. It’s also a fact – as Buist’s namesakes Shuttleworth, Campbell and Dodd can testify – that the name “Ken” is pure comedy gold, in whatever context it’s used, which is a huge help when you’re trying to put together a reasonably humorous weekly news update.

DAY TWO
WHEN: 14th May, 2004
WHAT: I’ll sue!
HOW: Sonia Sutcliffe took on Private Eye, the Daily Mirror had Naomi Campbell as its nemesis – and unknown to its legions of loyal readers, a modest weekly cycling-based e-mail newsletter was getting prepared to join the major league of libel battles less than two months after its inception. Thankfully the threat of legal action was averted by apologies from the Dyna-management – and on strict orders from our lawyers, we’re not going to reveal the name of the member who took exception to a small news item. But if you happen to have the first seven issues, and you look closely enough, you may be able to spot the offending article…

DAY THREE
WHEN: 26th April, 2004
WHAT: The kit finally arrives
HOW: How? Goodness knows how – but after months of delays, the first shipment of Dynamo’s now-famous blue, black and orange outfits finally appeared at Cyclefit’s WC2 HQ on a gloriously sunny Monday morning. It’s difficult to overstate the significance of this Dyna-moment, because the kit not only consigned the black and green Bikepark livery to the laundry bin of history once and for all, it also became the dazzling blue flame that helped to attract many new members during the next two years. Not that anyone would have seen the country’s best-looking kit on its first outing – plucky PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN wore it at the Goodwood handicap the following night and it was almost invisible through the heavy downpour. At least it proved RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT’s design doesn’t fade in the wash!

DAY FOUR
WHEN: 24th September, 2004
WHAT: Number of members hits 100
HOW: Despite the kit’s popularity – and, of course, the club’s friendly, well-attended weekly rides – the small band of ‘Mos who formed London Dynamo in PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN’s kitchen at the end of 2003 were nevertheless amazed by the number of applications filling up their inbox, particularly as the founding fathers were told by some of cycling’s elder statesmen that they would be lucky to get more than a few dozen members. The 100th enroller had signed up by issue #26 – and we wrote at the time: “It’s going to be a very long time until we hit 200.” In fact, it took less than a year…

DAY FIVE
WHEN: 28th January, 2005
WHAT: The London Dynamo Newsletter is dead – long live DYNAMITE!
HOW: This periodical has made a major contribution to the light-hearted language of Dynamo by coining the term “Dynamate” and popularising DAVID ‘PROFESSOR’ WILLIAMS’ use of “‘Mo” – words now widely used by members to refer to other Dynamos – but there are plenty more entries in the club’s very own lexicon of laughs. Female members are Dynamettes, little-known Dynamos are Dyna-minnows while nicknames, of course, are Dyna-monikers. There has also been a healthy selection of adjectives, including Dynamoid and Dynamatic to describe things that relate to the capital’s finest cycle squad. So it was inevitable that the London Dynamo Newsletter, as it was known for the first 38 editions, would give itself a Dynamesque name – and that moment came when the publication reappeared as DYNAMITE! last year following an extended Christmas break. Our reason for the latest piece of wordplay was explained as follows in issue #39: “We planned to change our name as a way of repositioning ourselves as the market’s leading Dynamo news source once rival companies decided to launch inferior publications aimed at capturing that highly sought-after London and Surrey-based cycling enthusiast market. Obviously that didn’t happen, but we decided to go ahead with the relaunch anyway, chiefly because the new name enables us to refer to Mrs Newsletter as Mrs Dynamite.” It really was that simple!

DAY SIX
WHEN: 4th February 2005
WHAT: London Dynamo appears on telly
HOW: The recent crash that momentarily messed up the Dynamo computer system also managed to erase the photograph of WARRICK ‘SPEEDY’ SPENCE’s gentleman’s area that appeared on the archived internet version of issue #40 – but thankfully we had a backup…

http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/forum/album_pic.php?pic_id=257

Incredibly, several Sky One viewers witnessed this revealing thermal image when the Cyclefit technician appeared on So You Think You’re Safe, which looked at the “danger” of becoming infertile through cycling. Fellow TV stars MARTIN ‘BRAVEHEART’ BUDDEN, CHRIS ‘CALAMITY’ CAMPBELL, ‘MEDICAL’ MIKE DEBNEY, NICK ‘BOMBSHELL’ PEACOCK, RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT, STUART ‘EASY PEASY’ SPIES, MIKE ‘SCAMP’ WALLACH and ANDY ‘LISTEN UP’ STEVENSON watched as Warrick had a large thermometer shoved up his bib shorts by a medical expert in the Old Deer Park. What a humiliation!

DAY SEVEN
WHEN: 27th January 2006
WHAT: Revealed – Ken Buist gets dumped
HOW: It wasn’t our fault! In an unwitting display of how powerful this once-humble periodical has become, Ken’s straight-laced girlfriend Heather gave him the old heave-ho after she read about his exploits in our internet edition. In issue #84 we revealed how she told him: “I can’t see you anymore because I feel I don’t know who you really are. I thought I did until I did a search for your name on Google and found out all sorts of things – things which made me question what kind of man I’d got involved with. And you can’t deny any of it, Ken, because it’s all there in blue and white on the ‘Newsletter’ section of the London Dynamo website. How you spent an evening at one of those horrible nightclubs chatting up a girl. How you swore at a woman while you were out riding because she cut you up in her car. I can’t condone that kind of behaviour, Ken. I’m sorry, but it’s over.” We’ll make it up to you somehow, pal!

HERE ARE YOUR MAIN HEADLINES
+++ Just some of the puns that raised a chuckle during the past 99 editions +++
HAIR TODAY, ALMOST GONE TOMORROW – Hirsute TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT tries to shave his pins the day before the start of the L’Etape De La Defonce in Cowbridge, Glamorgan – but it takes so long he only manages to get the job half-done. He turns up at the start of the team time trial with one leg hairy and the other smooth (issue #9, 28.05.04).

BANGERS AND CRASH – Another TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT tale. The marauding meat-eater tucks into a feast of sausages at a barbecue and then comes off at the three-up national time trial championship in Clarendon, Leics, the next day (issue #15, 9th July, 2004).

HE’S THAT TAPER GUY – In the run-up to Ironman Switzerland, GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL enters the tapering stage of his training (issue #17, 23rd July, 2004).

COMICAL TALLY – Dynamo notches up three mentions in the Christmas edition of Cycling Weekly, which, of course, is known as The Comic (issue #39, 28th January, 2005).

RIM AND BEAR IT – Unlucky GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL punctures at the end of stage one in the Surrey League three-day in Leigh – but rides on his rim to take 2nd (issue #57, 3rd June, 2005).

SO SOLID CREWE – The Solna Avenue Story. On the eve of their departure from the legendary Putney address, we told the full story of how Crewe school chums CHRIS ‘VAN CHADDERS’ CHAPMAN, RICHARD ‘BOY RACER’ DOLBY and TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT, plus Tom’s girlfriend LUCY ‘DEMURE’ DOVE, made a notable contribution to Dynamo (issue #65, 29th July, 2005).

SAY HELLO, WAVE DUBAI – Popular Parkrider DAVID COURTNEY ‘SHEIKER’ HATCHER drops us a line after relocating to the UAE (issue #74, 30th October, 2005).

NOM DE PLUMAGE – Following his election, DYNAMITE! gives General Secretary NICK ‘CAPTAIN’ PEACOCK a new Dyna-moniker (issue #82, 25th November, 2005).

OMEN WAHAY! – Auspicious nickname propels RICHARD ‘WIN ‘EM’ SIMMONDS to second victory on his 3rd cat debut at Thruxton (issue #89, 3rd March, 2006).

RAIN IN SPAIN FALLS MAINLY ON THE PAINED – Drenched STUART ‘EASY PEASY’ SPIES and WILL ‘SEE YA’ HAYTER dig deep at rain-soaked 24-hour race in southern Spain (issue #92, 24th March, 2006).

NAMED AND FAMED
+++ A chart run-down of the best Dyna-monikers – and what they all mean +++
NO.10
WHO: Stuart ‘Postal’ Jeffreys
WHY: A pretty straightforward one, this. Before the advent of The Kit (see above), Dynamo’s sports drink guru could often be seen in the familiar blue togs of Lance Armstrong’s former team. He occasionally fishes the well-worn US Postal jersey and shorts out of the wardrobe on laundry days.

NO.9
WHO: Ian ‘King Of’ Paine
WHY: “I have stood here before inside the pouring rain/ With the world turning circles running ’round my brain/ I guess I’m always hoping that you’ll end this reign/ But it’s my destiny to be the king of pain.” Never has the notion of a bicycle being an unyielding mistress been expressed so eloquently, although technically it’s impossible to be “inside” rain. Reports that hard man Ian owns a copy of Synchronicity, the final album by Sting’s old band The Police from which this song is taken, have yet to be confirmed.

NO.8
WHO: Tom ‘Tufty’ Davies
WHY: It’s all about the hair. Whenever Tom dons a helmet, it sticks out of the vents in tufts. Simple but effective.

NO.7
WHO: Kevin ‘Fulla S*it’ Fitzpatrick
WHY: This, on the other hand, has a convoluted history and would have been further up the list if, quite frankly, it hadn’t turned out to be such a major disappointment. There are dozens of self-imposed and often obscure editorial guidelines that DYNAMO! adheres to for quality control purposes, the most important being that there is never a single rude word in any edition. But there’s no fun in having rules if you don’t occasionally break them – so the editorial team decided it would only contravene the decision to keep it clean by regularly using the potty-mouthed Dyna-moniker of Cyclefit’s “fifth Beatle”. Sadly, the hard-working accountant has barely been in contact with this publication since its inception, so his naughty nickname has remained largely absent from these pages. We’d swear in anger if we could remember how! For the record, the cheeky raconteur earned his Dyna-moniker for a hilarious tale involving a misjudged remark at a tense dinner party thrown by another member, which culminated in the under-pressure host yelling: “Kev – you’re fulla s*it!” Further details have been censored on legal advice.

NO.6
WHO: Chris ‘Van Chadders’ Chapman
WHY: The “Chadders” part originates from a spelling cock-up on a Hillingdon results sheet in July 2004 where Chris was listed as “C. Chadman”. The following April, then-president Guy ‘Mainwaring’ Andrews angrily ripped off the bespectacled boy wonder’s helmet visor in Mallorca and threw it off Sa Colobra, telling him that the plastic attachment has no place outside of mountain biking. To stop him turning as red as the paint on his Cannondale, firm-but-fair Guy gave the fair-skinned fellow a Liquigas cap, commenting that it made ginger Chris “look like a Dutch pro”. Thus “Van” was added and a legend was born.

NO.5
WHO: Sam ‘Slam Dunk’ Humpheson
WHY: Uniquely for the nicknames on this list, this one alludes to a quality that the vertically-challenged recipient does not possess. He’s a dab hand with a spanner and is able to unleash a devastating sprint, but compact mechanic Sam is unlikely to trouble the giants of the basketball court.

NO.4
WHO: Rob ‘The Saint’ Jeffroy
WHY: There’s a mistaken belief that the hirsute hero’s beatific Dyna-moniker stems from his softly-spoken nature. In fact, it refers to his fondness for double-breasted jackets and pleated slacks, which ageing gogglebox fan PHIL ‘NO-NONSENSE’ CAVELL noted makes Rob look a bit like TV detective The Saint. Having never owned a black-and-white telly, we’ve had to take him on his word on this one.

NO.3
WHO: Robert ‘Waaaahhhhnnhundreeeerrrrd!’ Gibson
WHY: This rundown wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the 100th person to join the club – and the now long-exceeded milestone is marked with the longest nickname in Dynamo history. Fact.

NO.2
WHO: ‘Incredible’ Ian Jenkinson
WHY: Eagle-eyed ‘MEDICAL’ MIKE DEBNEY was the first to notice that the straight-talking northener’s bulldog-like physique when combined with his trademark red leggings made him a dead ringer for Mr Incredible – and he lived up to his superhero credentials by coming off virtually unscathed after making a big impression on a German tourist’s car during an ill-fated descent on the Mallorca training camp in March last year. Some campers still wince at the memory!

NO.1
WHO: Andy ‘Listen Up’ Stevenson
WHY: No wholly subjective list is complete without a controversial entry, and there are a few reasons why the straight-talking former Sunday ride “organiser” doesn’t deserve to be anywhere in this rundown, let alone in the top spot. For a start, he’s no longer a member – and there was much gnashing of teeth in Dynamo circles when he brought down RICHARD ‘PLACING’ MASON at the Crawley Crits last May before unfairly blaming the ginger Kiwi for the crash. But out of the dozens of Dyna-monikers conjured up by the editorial team, this has been the one that most members have told us is the best – so we’re bowing to popular opinion by making it No.1. The nickname originates from Andy’s often-controversial guidelines issued on Hampton Court bridge, each of which would begin: “Awight, everyone – listen up”. Which, of course, nobody did.

TRAVELLING MILBURYS
+++ Intrepid ‘Mos head to Hampshire for stage race – and Simmonds wins it! +++
There’s barely room to squeeze in this week’s racing news – but we couldn’t leave without mentioning RICHARD ‘WIN ‘EM’ SIMMONDS’ stunning victory at the Tour of the Milburys 2/3 stage race in Meonstoke, Hants on Saturday. The fast-rising Dynamo star came 1st in the final general classification after taking 6th in the opening two-mile time trial and finishing 2nd in the 68-mile road stage. Dynamo had a bigger presence in the two-stage event’s top 15 than any other club, with GAVIN ‘NO LYIN’ RYAN in 8th place, RICHARD ‘PLACING’ MASON 13th and DAVID ‘DORIAN’ STREULE 15th…

http://tinyurl.com/hstsx

You can’t argue with that, fellas! David also nabbed 15th at the SERRL 2/3/4 race at Lamberhurst, Kent, the following day, while over in Liphook, Hants, IAN ‘KING OF’ PAINE finished 13th in the E/1/2 Cycle Kingdom Spring Classic….

http://tinyurl.com/oyaob
http://tinyurl.com/n8q76

The Balham wham-blammer, who also bridged across and then out-sprinted Sigma’s Gary Dodd the previous Thursday to win the Surrey League Handicap in South Nutfield, says of Sunday’s 62-mile race: “I missed the break and ended up in a small chase group 40 seconds behind. I think I’m getting a bit lazy after my midweek wins because I really didn’t feel like flogging myself up the finishing hill just to try to come 9th.” Don’t blame you, buddy! Ian went on to point out that SAM ‘SLAM DUNK’ HUMPHESON came a respectable 48th among the 125 quality competitors in the Rutland-Melton premier calendar event in Leicestershire…

http://tinyurl.com/oatmh

…despite falling off in a muddy field somewhere along the arduous 99.5-mile route. That messy little grease monkey just can’t resist a bit of dirt! Finally, in the relatively more sedate world of time trialling, MARTIN ‘PIN-UP’ WILLIAMSON took 6th on the H25/8 in Bentley, Hants, on Saturday, clocking a time of 57.05 in windy conditions on the 25-mile course. He did the same distance the following day on the G25/53 in Horsham, Sussex, nabbing 10th place with a time of 58.00…

http://www.cyclingtimetrials.org.uk/results.asp?Yr=2006&Mnth=05&ID=51001
http://www.cyclingtimetrials.org.uk/results.asp?Yr=2006&Mnth=05&ID=51006

He says: “The winner on both days was Laurence Harding, who always wins.” You’ll get your chance one day, pal!

END OF THE FIRST CYCLE
Lord only knows what the next 100 issues of DYNAMITE! have in store, but let’s hope they will be as much of a blast as ones that preceded them. Many thanks to absolutely everyone who has contributed stuff during the past two years or so – we really could not have done it without you. So please keep Dyna-mailing your race reports, news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘MASCOT’ BUIST to the address at the top of the page – or simply hit your reply button if you are reading this on e-mail. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as we try to think of another 100 different themes for each issue, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES

SATURDAY
9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

SUNDAY
8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.

9am: Hampton Court bridge, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and hundreds and thousands.

WEDNESDAY
7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride to Chertsey, back via Weybridge, 28 miles.

So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.

The DYNAMITE! team.

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