The DYNAMITE! Files

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DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #100, 19.05.06
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+++ Having a blast every Friday +++ Dyna-mail news, views, and gossip to dynamite@londondynamo.co.uk +++ Check out DYNAMITE! on the web – go to http://www.londondynamo.co.uk and click “newsletter” +++ Have a peek at our pics at http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/foru /album_personal.php?user_id=321 +++ WEEKEND WEATHER: Sat, sunny intervals, 17C max, wind W 18mph; Sun, sunny intervals, 16C max, wind W 18mph +++
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OUR NUMBER’S UP
+++ Prepare for a decline in quality as we pass the triple-figure milestone +++
The batsman who has scored a century can’t keep walloping sixes for ever, a grandmother in receipt of a telegram from the Queen surely knows she is not long for this world, and history tells us that every era succumbs to a mood of cultural decline as it passes from the nineties to the noughties – so it is with a feeling of fin-de-siècle ennui that this publication reaches its 100th issue. It’s all downhill from here, Dynamates! Our best puns, if that’s the correct adjective, are already behind us! But rather than wallow in the gloom, the editorial team is determined to celebrate some of the greatest moments since your favourite Dynamatic publication was first Dyna-mailed from our famous soundproof bunker in the bowels of Dynamo Towers two years, one month, one week and two days ago. There’ll be a selection of the best headlines ever to appear in DYNAMITE! and an exposé of the controversial origins behind certain members’ memorable Dyna-monikers – plus, of course, we have all of the week’s racing news. So without further ado, let’s roll back the pages of history as we begin this bumper-sized, gilt-edged, non-individually-numbered collectors’ edition with…

SEVEN DAYS THAT SHOOK THE NEWSLETTER
+++ The dramatic events that turned this periodical into an institution +++
DAY ONE
WHEN: 23rd April, 2004
WHAT: The first sighting of KEN BUIST is published
HOW: Hunched over his blue Dolan one minute and then suddenly disappearing for weeks on end, enigmatic New Zealander Ken had fascinated many ‘Mos for months before we suggested in issue #3 that readers might like to send in sightings of the man himself for a regular feature. That casual request has resulted in a consistently enthusiastic response which has turned the Buister into the most frequently-mentioned Dynamate in this publication – and it was lanky property broker GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL who got the ball rolling by spotting Ken in A Certain Gray’s Inn Road Bicycle Emporium. He said in issue #4: “Ken was wearing a blue overcoat and had been meeting a client in the Holborn area. He looked smart but casual. The time must have been circa 4pm – what better time to peruse one of London’s premier cycling retailers? Ken spotted me while I was admiring some Assos knee-warmers. We chatted briefly about – you guessed it – stems. I bought the knee warmers and then left. The last time I saw Ken was downstairs discussing frames with a staff member. We parted with a tearful wave. The entire incident couldn’t have lasted more than six minutes.” This, of course, was when the club had a mere 50 or so members – and now it’s five times that size, Ken has become something of a mascot, uniting dozens of disparate Dynamates by the mere mention of his name. It’s also a fact – as Buist’s namesakes Shuttleworth, Campbell and Dodd can testify – that the name “Ken” is pure comedy gold, in whatever context it’s used, which is a huge help when you’re trying to put together a reasonably humorous weekly news update.

DAY TWO
WHEN: 14th May, 2004
WHAT: I’ll sue!
HOW: Sonia Sutcliffe took on Private Eye, the Daily Mirror had Naomi Campbell as its nemesis – and unknown to its legions of loyal readers, a modest weekly cycling-based e-mail newsletter was getting prepared to join the major league of libel battles less than two months after its inception. Thankfully the threat of legal action was averted by apologies from the Dyna-management – and on strict orders from our lawyers, we’re not going to reveal the name of the member who took exception to a small news item. But if you happen to have the first seven issues, and you look closely enough, you may be able to spot the offending article…

DAY THREE
WHEN: 26th April, 2004
WHAT: The kit finally arrives
HOW: How? Goodness knows how – but after months of delays, the first shipment of Dynamo’s now-famous blue, black and orange outfits finally appeared at Cyclefit’s WC2 HQ on a gloriously sunny Monday morning. It’s difficult to overstate the significance of this Dyna-moment, because the kit not only consigned the black and green Bikepark livery to the laundry bin of history once and for all, it also became the dazzling blue flame that helped to attract many new members during the next two years. Not that anyone would have seen the country’s best-looking kit on its first outing – plucky PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN wore it at the Goodwood handicap the following night and it was almost invisible through the heavy downpour. At least it proved RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT’s design doesn’t fade in the wash!

DAY FOUR
WHEN: 24th September, 2004
WHAT: Number of members hits 100
HOW: Despite the kit’s popularity – and, of course, the club’s friendly, well-attended weekly rides – the small band of ‘Mos who formed London Dynamo in PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN’s kitchen at the end of 2003 were nevertheless amazed by the number of applications filling up their inbox, particularly as the founding fathers were told by some of cycling’s elder statesmen that they would be lucky to get more than a few dozen members. The 100th enroller had signed up by issue #26 – and we wrote at the time: “It’s going to be a very long time until we hit 200.” In fact, it took less than a year…

DAY FIVE
WHEN: 28th January, 2005
WHAT: The London Dynamo Newsletter is dead – long live DYNAMITE!
HOW: This periodical has made a major contribution to the light-hearted language of Dynamo by coining the term “Dynamate” and popularising DAVID ‘PROFESSOR’ WILLIAMS’ use of “‘Mo” – words now widely used by members to refer to other Dynamos – but there are plenty more entries in the club’s very own lexicon of laughs. Female members are Dynamettes, little-known Dynamos are Dyna-minnows while nicknames, of course, are Dyna-monikers. There has also been a healthy selection of adjectives, including Dynamoid and Dynamatic to describe things that relate to the capital’s finest cycle squad. So it was inevitable that the London Dynamo Newsletter, as it was known for the first 38 editions, would give itself a Dynamesque name – and that moment came when the publication reappeared as DYNAMITE! last year following an extended Christmas break. Our reason for the latest piece of wordplay was explained as follows in issue #39: “We planned to change our name as a way of repositioning ourselves as the market’s leading Dynamo news source once rival companies decided to launch inferior publications aimed at capturing that highly sought-after London and Surrey-based cycling enthusiast market. Obviously that didn’t happen, but we decided to go ahead with the relaunch anyway, chiefly because the new name enables us to refer to Mrs Newsletter as Mrs Dynamite.” It really was that simple!

DAY SIX
WHEN: 4th February 2005
WHAT: London Dynamo appears on telly
HOW: The recent crash that momentarily messed up the Dynamo computer system also managed to erase the photograph of WARRICK ‘SPEEDY’ SPENCE’s gentleman’s area that appeared on the archived internet version of issue #40 – but thankfully we had a backup…

http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/forum/album_pic.php?pic_id=257

Incredibly, several Sky One viewers witnessed this revealing thermal image when the Cyclefit technician appeared on So You Think You’re Safe, which looked at the “danger” of becoming infertile through cycling. Fellow TV stars MARTIN ‘BRAVEHEART’ BUDDEN, CHRIS ‘CALAMITY’ CAMPBELL, ‘MEDICAL’ MIKE DEBNEY, NICK ‘BOMBSHELL’ PEACOCK, RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT, STUART ‘EASY PEASY’ SPIES, MIKE ‘SCAMP’ WALLACH and ANDY ‘LISTEN UP’ STEVENSON watched as Warrick had a large thermometer shoved up his bib shorts by a medical expert in the Old Deer Park. What a humiliation!

DAY SEVEN
WHEN: 27th January 2006
WHAT: Revealed – Ken Buist gets dumped
HOW: It wasn’t our fault! In an unwitting display of how powerful this once-humble periodical has become, Ken’s straight-laced girlfriend Heather gave him the old heave-ho after she read about his exploits in our internet edition. In issue #84 we revealed how she told him: “I can’t see you anymore because I feel I don’t know who you really are. I thought I did until I did a search for your name on Google and found out all sorts of things – things which made me question what kind of man I’d got involved with. And you can’t deny any of it, Ken, because it’s all there in blue and white on the ‘Newsletter’ section of the London Dynamo website. How you spent an evening at one of those horrible nightclubs chatting up a girl. How you swore at a woman while you were out riding because she cut you up in her car. I can’t condone that kind of behaviour, Ken. I’m sorry, but it’s over.” We’ll make it up to you somehow, pal!

HERE ARE YOUR MAIN HEADLINES
+++ Just some of the puns that raised a chuckle during the past 99 editions +++
HAIR TODAY, ALMOST GONE TOMORROW – Hirsute TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT tries to shave his pins the day before the start of the L’Etape De La Defonce in Cowbridge, Glamorgan – but it takes so long he only manages to get the job half-done. He turns up at the start of the team time trial with one leg hairy and the other smooth (issue #9, 28.05.04).

BANGERS AND CRASH – Another TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT tale. The marauding meat-eater tucks into a feast of sausages at a barbecue and then comes off at the three-up national time trial championship in Clarendon, Leics, the next day (issue #15, 9th July, 2004).

HE’S THAT TAPER GUY – In the run-up to Ironman Switzerland, GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL enters the tapering stage of his training (issue #17, 23rd July, 2004).

COMICAL TALLY – Dynamo notches up three mentions in the Christmas edition of Cycling Weekly, which, of course, is known as The Comic (issue #39, 28th January, 2005).

RIM AND BEAR IT – Unlucky GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL punctures at the end of stage one in the Surrey League three-day in Leigh – but rides on his rim to take 2nd (issue #57, 3rd June, 2005).

SO SOLID CREWE – The Solna Avenue Story. On the eve of their departure from the legendary Putney address, we told the full story of how Crewe school chums CHRIS ‘VAN CHADDERS’ CHAPMAN, RICHARD ‘BOY RACER’ DOLBY and TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT, plus Tom’s girlfriend LUCY ‘DEMURE’ DOVE, made a notable contribution to Dynamo (issue #65, 29th July, 2005).

SAY HELLO, WAVE DUBAI – Popular Parkrider DAVID COURTNEY ‘SHEIKER’ HATCHER drops us a line after relocating to the UAE (issue #74, 30th October, 2005).

NOM DE PLUMAGE – Following his election, DYNAMITE! gives General Secretary NICK ‘CAPTAIN’ PEACOCK a new Dyna-moniker (issue #82, 25th November, 2005).

OMEN WAHAY! – Auspicious nickname propels RICHARD ‘WIN ‘EM’ SIMMONDS to second victory on his 3rd cat debut at Thruxton (issue #89, 3rd March, 2006).

RAIN IN SPAIN FALLS MAINLY ON THE PAINED – Drenched STUART ‘EASY PEASY’ SPIES and WILL ‘SEE YA’ HAYTER dig deep at rain-soaked 24-hour race in southern Spain (issue #92, 24th March, 2006).

NAMED AND FAMED
+++ A chart run-down of the best Dyna-monikers – and what they all mean +++
NO.10
WHO: Stuart ‘Postal’ Jeffreys
WHY: A pretty straightforward one, this. Before the advent of The Kit (see above), Dynamo’s sports drink guru could often be seen in the familiar blue togs of Lance Armstrong’s former team. He occasionally fishes the well-worn US Postal jersey and shorts out of the wardrobe on laundry days.

NO.9
WHO: Ian ‘King Of’ Paine
WHY: “I have stood here before inside the pouring rain/ With the world turning circles running ’round my brain/ I guess I’m always hoping that you’ll end this reign/ But it’s my destiny to be the king of pain.” Never has the notion of a bicycle being an unyielding mistress been expressed so eloquently, although technically it’s impossible to be “inside” rain. Reports that hard man Ian owns a copy of Synchronicity, the final album by Sting’s old band The Police from which this song is taken, have yet to be confirmed.

NO.8
WHO: Tom ‘Tufty’ Davies
WHY: It’s all about the hair. Whenever Tom dons a helmet, it sticks out of the vents in tufts. Simple but effective.

NO.7
WHO: Kevin ‘Fulla S*it’ Fitzpatrick
WHY: This, on the other hand, has a convoluted history and would have been further up the list if, quite frankly, it hadn’t turned out to be such a major disappointment. There are dozens of self-imposed and often obscure editorial guidelines that DYNAMO! adheres to for quality control purposes, the most important being that there is never a single rude word in any edition. But there’s no fun in having rules if you don’t occasionally break them – so the editorial team decided it would only contravene the decision to keep it clean by regularly using the potty-mouthed Dyna-moniker of Cyclefit’s “fifth Beatle”. Sadly, the hard-working accountant has barely been in contact with this publication since its inception, so his naughty nickname has remained largely absent from these pages. We’d swear in anger if we could remember how! For the record, the cheeky raconteur earned his Dyna-moniker for a hilarious tale involving a misjudged remark at a tense dinner party thrown by another member, which culminated in the under-pressure host yelling: “Kev – you’re fulla s*it!” Further details have been censored on legal advice.

NO.6
WHO: Chris ‘Van Chadders’ Chapman
WHY: The “Chadders” part originates from a spelling cock-up on a Hillingdon results sheet in July 2004 where Chris was listed as “C. Chadman”. The following April, then-president Guy ‘Mainwaring’ Andrews angrily ripped off the bespectacled boy wonder’s helmet visor in Mallorca and threw it off Sa Colobra, telling him that the plastic attachment has no place outside of mountain biking. To stop him turning as red as the paint on his Cannondale, firm-but-fair Guy gave the fair-skinned fellow a Liquigas cap, commenting that it made ginger Chris “look like a Dutch pro”. Thus “Van” was added and a legend was born.

NO.5
WHO: Sam ‘Slam Dunk’ Humpheson
WHY: Uniquely for the nicknames on this list, this one alludes to a quality that the vertically-challenged recipient does not possess. He’s a dab hand with a spanner and is able to unleash a devastating sprint, but compact mechanic Sam is unlikely to trouble the giants of the basketball court.

NO.4
WHO: Rob ‘The Saint’ Jeffroy
WHY: There’s a mistaken belief that the hirsute hero’s beatific Dyna-moniker stems from his softly-spoken nature. In fact, it refers to his fondness for double-breasted jackets and pleated slacks, which ageing gogglebox fan PHIL ‘NO-NONSENSE’ CAVELL noted makes Rob look a bit like TV detective The Saint. Having never owned a black-and-white telly, we’ve had to take him on his word on this one.

NO.3
WHO: Robert ‘Waaaahhhhnnhundreeeerrrrd!’ Gibson
WHY: This rundown wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the 100th person to join the club – and the now long-exceeded milestone is marked with the longest nickname in Dynamo history. Fact.

NO.2
WHO: ‘Incredible’ Ian Jenkinson
WHY: Eagle-eyed ‘MEDICAL’ MIKE DEBNEY was the first to notice that the straight-talking northener’s bulldog-like physique when combined with his trademark red leggings made him a dead ringer for Mr Incredible – and he lived up to his superhero credentials by coming off virtually unscathed after making a big impression on a German tourist’s car during an ill-fated descent on the Mallorca training camp in March last year. Some campers still wince at the memory!

NO.1
WHO: Andy ‘Listen Up’ Stevenson
WHY: No wholly subjective list is complete without a controversial entry, and there are a few reasons why the straight-talking former Sunday ride “organiser” doesn’t deserve to be anywhere in this rundown, let alone in the top spot. For a start, he’s no longer a member – and there was much gnashing of teeth in Dynamo circles when he brought down RICHARD ‘PLACING’ MASON at the Crawley Crits last May before unfairly blaming the ginger Kiwi for the crash. But out of the dozens of Dyna-monikers conjured up by the editorial team, this has been the one that most members have told us is the best – so we’re bowing to popular opinion by making it No.1. The nickname originates from Andy’s often-controversial guidelines issued on Hampton Court bridge, each of which would begin: “Awight, everyone – listen up”. Which, of course, nobody did.

TRAVELLING MILBURYS
+++ Intrepid ‘Mos head to Hampshire for stage race – and Simmonds wins it! +++
There’s barely room to squeeze in this week’s racing news – but we couldn’t leave without mentioning RICHARD ‘WIN ‘EM’ SIMMONDS’ stunning victory at the Tour of the Milburys 2/3 stage race in Meonstoke, Hants on Saturday. The fast-rising Dynamo star came 1st in the final general classification after taking 6th in the opening two-mile time trial and finishing 2nd in the 68-mile road stage. Dynamo had a bigger presence in the two-stage event’s top 15 than any other club, with GAVIN ‘NO LYIN’ RYAN in 8th place, RICHARD ‘PLACING’ MASON 13th and DAVID ‘DORIAN’ STREULE 15th…

http://tinyurl.com/hstsx

You can’t argue with that, fellas! David also nabbed 15th at the SERRL 2/3/4 race at Lamberhurst, Kent, the following day, while over in Liphook, Hants, IAN ‘KING OF’ PAINE finished 13th in the E/1/2 Cycle Kingdom Spring Classic….

http://tinyurl.com/oyaob
http://tinyurl.com/n8q76

The Balham wham-blammer, who also bridged across and then out-sprinted Sigma’s Gary Dodd the previous Thursday to win the Surrey League Handicap in South Nutfield, says of Sunday’s 62-mile race: “I missed the break and ended up in a small chase group 40 seconds behind. I think I’m getting a bit lazy after my midweek wins because I really didn’t feel like flogging myself up the finishing hill just to try to come 9th.” Don’t blame you, buddy! Ian went on to point out that SAM ‘SLAM DUNK’ HUMPHESON came a respectable 48th among the 125 quality competitors in the Rutland-Melton premier calendar event in Leicestershire…

http://tinyurl.com/oatmh

…despite falling off in a muddy field somewhere along the arduous 99.5-mile route. That messy little grease monkey just can’t resist a bit of dirt! Finally, in the relatively more sedate world of time trialling, MARTIN ‘PIN-UP’ WILLIAMSON took 6th on the H25/8 in Bentley, Hants, on Saturday, clocking a time of 57.05 in windy conditions on the 25-mile course. He did the same distance the following day on the G25/53 in Horsham, Sussex, nabbing 10th place with a time of 58.00…

http://www.cyclingtimetrials.org.uk/results.asp?Yr=2006&Mnth=05&ID=51001
http://www.cyclingtimetrials.org.uk/results.asp?Yr=2006&Mnth=05&ID=51006

He says: “The winner on both days was Laurence Harding, who always wins.” You’ll get your chance one day, pal!

END OF THE FIRST CYCLE
Lord only knows what the next 100 issues of DYNAMITE! have in store, but let’s hope they will be as much of a blast as ones that preceded them. Many thanks to absolutely everyone who has contributed stuff during the past two years or so – we really could not have done it without you. So please keep Dyna-mailing your race reports, news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘MASCOT’ BUIST to the address at the top of the page – or simply hit your reply button if you are reading this on e-mail. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as we try to think of another 100 different themes for each issue, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES

SATURDAY
9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

SUNDAY
8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.

9am: Hampton Court bridge, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and hundreds and thousands.

WEDNESDAY
7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride to Chertsey, back via Weybridge, 28 miles.

So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.

The DYNAMITE! team.

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DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #101, 26.05.06
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+++ Having a blast every Friday +++ Dyna-mail news, views, and gossip to dynamite@londondynamo.co.uk +++ Check out DYNAMITE! on the web – go to http://www.londondynamo.co.uk and click “newsletter” +++ Have a peek at our pics at http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/forum/album_personal.php?user_id=321 +++ WEEKEND WEATHER: Sat, cloudy, 18C max, wind W 12mph; Sun, cloudy, 18C max, wind NW 10mph +++
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OLD ONES ARE THE BEST
+++ Veterans return from inspirational trip +++
Remembering all those great newsletter moments from yesteryear for our retrospective 100th issue left the exhausted editorial team feeling quite old last week – but a few days later we received an inspiring tale from a silver-haired squad of Dynamates which made us decide against swapping our titanium frame for a Zimmer frame. Boasting a combined age greater than that of STUART ‘POSTAL’ JEFFREYS’ Cougar, mature ‘Mos STEVE ‘LE PATRON’ ALLOTT, TERRY ‘SHIRTY’ BISHOP, VINCE ‘SNEAKY’ HEANEY and ‘RUBBIN’ ROBIN OSBORNE decided they would oldly go where many younger men fear to tread – the terrifying slopes of Mont Ventoux. Aided by STEVE ‘DS’ COOPER in their support car, there were to be no cramps for these gramps as they tackled the legendary Giant of Provence on the inaugural Veterans’ Ventoux Velo trip – and the fashionable fivesome even wore their own Dynamo-blue polo shirts designed by Terry when they arrived at Steve’s palatial pad in Eygalieres. Just don’t tell Designer-mo RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT that you tinkered with his logo, fellas…

http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/forum/album_pic.php?pic_id=261

The three-day weekend excursion, which took place a fortnight ago, began with a warm-up ride before the big climb the following day. Each Dynamate set out at intervals from the car park in Bedoin, with Vince finishing in two hours exactly while Terry and Robin clocked a few minutes less. Steve, the only one in the group to have tackled the climb before, was north of the two-hour mark but took a massive 15 minutes off his personal best. Well done, sir! Vince reveals: “Justifiably proud, the team posed for a group photo certain in the knowledge that this was the first ascent of Ventoux in Dynamo summer gilets and caps. A Dynamo bottle also made a stylish addition to the Tom Simpson memorial.” He’s right, you know…

http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/forum/album_pic.php?pic_id=262

The day-glo-wearing Frenchies got a lesson in cycling style when the snazzy quintet showed off their Dynamo livery on the final day’s ride, which coincided with the local club’s Sunday morning run. They didn’t know what Brit ’em! This publication hopes the older ‘Mos trip will become as much of a Dynamo tradition as the Summer Social, which that other senior member PAUL ‘ALL BLUE’ HARKNETT has been organising this week. Let’s find out what the venerable Social Secretary has in store for the young ‘uns…

GUINEA PIG-OUT
+++ Come along for a pint and a pizza +++
It’s that time of year again, readers! The club’s annual summertime drinking session is always a cause for eager anticipation, and this year’s bash on Thursday 29th June is no exception. The crack team being put together for the Surrey League 5-Day will have completed the arduous stage race two days before the shindig, so come along to welcome them back from their world of pain. Just don’t give them too much to drink – given the condition of their legs by that point, the lads will have trouble standing as it is! The fun begins at 6.15pm at the Guinea in Bruton Place off the north-west corner of Berkley Square, between Bond Street and Green Park Tube…

http://tinyurl.com/gcdqj

The welcoming watering hole is situated in a quiet mews, making it ideal for supping outdoors if the sun comes out. Event organiser PAUL ‘ALL BLUE’ HARKNETT is reserving tables for 8pm at the Pizza Express opposite the pub, so send us your RSVP with “Summer Social” in the subject heading and we’ll pass it on to him. Let’s make it a record turnout!

BRIGHT IDEA
+++ Reminder to make yourself seen in Richmond Park +++
Paul, incidentally, helped strengthen Dynamo’s links with the Richmond Park community last week when he was invited to a meeting in Holly Lodge chaired by Senior Inspector Simon Broughton, chief of the Royal Parks police. Richmond Park’s manager Simon Richards was among the dozen or so attendees at the two-hour pow-wow, which was the equivalent of a neighbourhood watch gathering, and there were only a few cycling-related areas that needed to be addressed. Paul reveals: “Apparently the park is shut to all traffic, including cyclists, after dark. I didn’t know that! Insp Richards said he chose not to ask the police to enforce this rule, but he was concerned about a number of cyclists not using lights at night and he may be forced to push for action.” So consider this a reminder to get your lights on! Parkriders should also try to keep the entrance areas to the Roehampton Gate car park clear after Saturday’s ride and our knobbly-tyred chums should adhere to the 10mph speed limit on the shared path on the perimeter. Them’s the rules!

WRINGING THE CHANGES
+++ Spies swaps slicks for knobblies as Palace is rained off +++
Talking of mountain biking, mud-loving STUART ‘EASY PEASY’ SPIES was forced to return to his roots on Wednesday after the previous night’s racing at Crystal Palace was cancelled again due to the inclement weather. The South African sensation says: “At least at Beastway they won’t let a little downpour stop proceedings!” The heavens opened early on the mucky Lea Valley circuit and slip-sliding Stu ended up on his bottom before moving from fourth to third in the final lap. He reveals: “I had the fourth-placed chap nipping at my heels but with my erratic wiggling all over the course I think he decided risking a bar end in the knee just wasn’t worth it, so I got me a third.” Or did he? The official results seem to indicate that Stu didn’t see two other riders ahead of him…

http://www.beastway.com/series2006/wk1.html

…which wouldn’t be a surprise as Stu says he got “about a kilo of mud” in his eyes during the five-lap race. He adds: “I also got my Dynamo shorts shredded by brambles.” Ouch!

BEYOND A SOAK
+++ Trio get an utter drenching at South East championships +++
Earlier in the week, Chelsea challenger MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT made a bid for glory at another rain-drenched event – but the lanky lad retired from the wind-lashed South East Championships at Goodwood after getting into an early break just to keep warm and spending two-and-a-quarter hours off the front. Unlucky, pal! Plagued by a sore throat, IAN ‘KING OF’ PAINE did an abrupt U-turn after he was dropped from the chase group, leaving DAVID ‘DORIAN’ STREULE as the trio’s sole finisher in Sunday’s 84-mile E/1/2/3 event – and what a result he managed to pull off. Ian reveals: “Dave did a great ride, getting into the chase group and eventually coming 13th in this National B race.” And just look at the high quality of the field…

http://tinyurl.com/kd5jt

The threesome feasted on KIMBERLY ‘CANUCK’ KABATOFF’s delicious dried fig flapjacks, which the race marshal had made herself – but there was no such post-race solace for poor old Whitewebbs competitor JIM ‘CLARK’ KENT, who braved the hell of the North Hertfordshire 3/4 race only to miss out on the points by a whisker…

http://tinyurl.com/jfypq

The unluckily-placed 13th finisher cramped up with cold and went backwards in the final hundred metres of the 68-mile event. Jim says: “Perhaps my sprint performance was due to some Kryptonite in the rain water. It felt like it, anyway! Thanks for a great newsletter and keep up the good work.” Cheers, pal!

FROM A SMILER TO A FROWN
+++ Sad day for committee as Norris steps down +++
Finally, this publication and the Dyna-management would like to thank DAVID ‘SMILER’ NORRIS for his superb work in dealing with the biggest influx of membership applications since the club began. A spell of illness and a second baby on the way has forced the Teddington titan to step down from the post of Assistant Membership Secretary, but his technological know-how has left the system of online enrolments in a much better state than it was before he joined the committee. Cheers, buddy!

IT’S COCOA-VER
The nurse has come along to give us our nightly cup of cocoa, which means there’s just time to switch off the hearing aid and thank everyone for sending in stuff. Please keep Dyna-mailing your race reports, news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘BUS PASS’ BUIST to the address at the top of the page – or simply hit your reply button if you are reading this on e-mail. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as we shuffle to the bedroom using a track pump as a walking stick, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES

SATURDAY
9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

SUNDAY
8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.

9am: Hampton Court bridge, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and Grecian 2000.

WEDNESDAY
7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride to Chertsey, back via Weybridge, 28 miles.

So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.

The DYNAMITE! team.

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DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #102, 02.06.06
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+++ Having a blast every Friday +++ Dyna-mail race reports, news, views, and gossip to dynamite@londondynamo.co.uk +++ Have a peek at our pics – http://tinyurl.com/ppkxg +++ Check out DYNAMITE! on the web – go to http://www.londondynamo.co.uk and click the “newsletter” link +++ WEEKEND WEATHER: Sat, sunny intervals, 20C max, wind N 2mph; Sun, sunny intervals, 23C max, wind N 2mph +++
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STILL DOING THE FIZZNESS
+++ Readership has decided – we’ve not lost our sparkle +++
During the past few months, this publication has developed a reputation for uncannily accurate predictions, due in no small part to giving champ-in-the-making RICHARD ‘WIN ‘EM’ SIMMONDS an auspicious Dyna-moniker – but the record number of Dyna-mails praising recent editions has proved that our warning of DYNAMITE! suffering an imminent dip in quality due to reaching the grand old age of 100 issues has fallen flatter than a three-week-old bottle of pop. Your favourite Dynamatic update revealed last week that Hanwell superteacher JIM ‘CLARK’ KENT reckons this is a “great newsletter”, and now affable American ED ‘THE MAN’ McKINLEY has passed this favourable judgement on issue #100: “It’s a classic! Save the original typewriter ribbon!” His words were echoed by CHRIS ‘VAN CHADDERS’ CHAPMAN, who wrote: “Just got round – one week late – to telling you what a great newsletter #100 was, although #101 isn’t bad either! I really enjoyed the recap of those classic issues and the mention of Andy Stephenson was hilarious. Nice one!” Meanwhile, over in the United Arab Emirates, tanned ex-pat DAVID COURTNEY ‘SHEIKHER’ HATCHER said our account of his veteran buddies’ adventure up Mont Ventoux was “brilliant”, adding that he aims to be “back with a vengeance for at least the first three Parkrides in July and probably a bit of Surrey Hills action as well”. And as a downpour in London on Friday greeted the arrival of last week’s edition, cheered-up PIERS ‘PRESSURE’ STANSFIELD said: “Another excellent issue. It had me chuckling into my coffee on this miserable morning.” Glad to oblige, pal! The Sprite-ly editorial team has clearly still got its fizz – and there will be something a Lilt-le bit special later on as we look at a trio of Dynamates having a Fanta-stic time racing with a Tour de France stage winner. So come with us as we reveal how a parched ‘Mo almost ruined his bid for sportive glory by going on a hunt for a soft drink. Let’s shake it up and yank that ring-pull…

CANNED LAUGHTER
+++ Plenty of Gallic guffaws at Kenneway’s mid-race coke craving +++
An unnamed French couple who got hitched in Provence the Sunday before last got an unexpected visitor at their wedding reception when sugar-depleted GORDON ‘KEN-A-LIKE’ KENNEWAY stumbled in off the road to beg for a can of coke. It’s lucky he didn’t get done for carb crawling! The Buistean doppelganger had neglected to bring any food for the Trophee De L’Epervier sportive… http://tinyurl.com/nv879 …and the compact killer set such a blistering pace that a vital feed station passed by in a blur, leaving him with no option but to gatecrash the family function taking place 20km from the finish where he explained his plight thus: “I am searching for sugar.” Thankfully, his dubiously-phrased French wasn’t misinterpreted (“Sugar’s not here, monsieur, but her sister Honey’s a wonderful girl”) and Gordon was soon pouring the magical, energy-giving black elixir down his grateful throat. After much laughter, back-slapping and well-wishing from his velo-crazy hosts, the lad from Londres sped off to the line, finishing 85th among the 1,200-odd competitors in the 174km race. Call the UCI – that drink was spiked!

PEN AND STINK
+++ Stench of corruption at Gran Fondo +++
Meanwhile, over in Italy’s Adriatic coast during the same weekend, convicted dope importer Raimondas Rumsas won the Gran Fondo Nove Colli… http://tinyurl.com/pyohb …and TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT witnessed a flagrant breach of the rules which is bound to surprise many honest Dyna-members. The club’s quiet man, who was 138th in the 210km event with a time of 6hrs 45mins, spotted his 2nd cat chum CHRIS ‘VAN CHADDERS’ CHAPMAN sneaking into the elite’s enclosure – but his successful ruse to be among the first 1,500 riders was not without consequence. Tom reveals: “Chapman found out that dishonesty doesn’t pay. You have to be scanned in as you enter the pen – but because he was in the wrong one, his time wasn’t recorded, so he doesn’t appear on the official results.” Doh! The high-cadence kid claims to have finished in 7hrs 25mins, but who’s going to believe him now? Certainly not LUCY ‘DEMURE’ DOVE, who kept herself removed from the corruption by doing the 140km route instead. She was living it up by the pool by the time the two fellas came back!

KING OF THE CASTLE
+++ Dynamates race with Big Mag +++
Tom’s return to the domestic racing scene on Sunday was marked by the appearance of none other than Welsh-based pro Magnus Backstedt. The towering Swede played down his presence at Castle Combe by complaining of knee trouble – but MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT admits: “He didn’t have us fooled!” Martin, who joined forces with Tom and RICHARD ‘WIN ‘EM’ SIMMONDS at the 31-mile National B event on the Wiltshire motor circuit, added: “To be fair, Magnus let the race take its own course – which was quick enough already. He missed the break and simply powered across on his own. Unfortunately, no-one else went with him, relegating myself and Richard to the main group.” Determined Hemmant tried in vain to make it across for the entire race and eventually managed to get off the front – but the 12th place that Martin thought Tom had bagged was given to some other bloke… http://tinyurl.com/rmb4e. What a flippin’ cheek! Undeterred, the former Solna Avenue resident turned up at Hillingdon on Tuesday and managed to take 7th after the early break he was in eventually fell back, leaving him on his own for 10 long miles. He confesses: “I thought I had 1st place in the bag but was passed less than 200m from the finish. At least I had a good post-race recovery curry in Southall afterwards.” We guess that makes him Tom Bhuna!

ROAMER SIMPSON
+++ Journey to Yorkshire bags points for Streule +++
Believe it or not, there is actually some non-Hemmant news this week! The total absence of Surrey League fixtures last weekend prompted intrepid DAVID ‘DORIAN’ STREULE to head to Yorkshire on Sunday for the 56-mile Keith Simpson Memorial Road Race. The baby-faced boy wonder’s three-man chase group formed on the 4th lap of 14 and went on to shore up the nine riders ahead of them, forming the decisive break of 12. Dave reveals: “I was suffering a bit and I was nowhere near as strong as the previous week at the South East Champs. The guy who won last year eventually got off the front on the last lap and won again. I ended up 9th…” http://tinyurl.com/sxv6d. His impressive placing in the 2/3 race bagged the feisty Fulham resident 11 points, ten quid in the bank and a bottle of bike wash fluid. He quite literally cleaned up!

…AND A FEW ‘MO THINGS…
+++ First woman to cross the finish line at the T2 Duathlon at Earls Colne, Essex, on Monday was none other than Dynamette KIMBERLY ‘CANUCK’ KABATOFF, whose 40km bike time of 1:13 was six minutes quicker than the next-fastest lady +++ Delighted MARTIN ‘PIN-UP’ WILLIAMSON records a much-improved personal best of 55:13 at the Charlotteville CC 25-mile time trial in Bentley, Surrey, on Saturday… http://tinyurl.com/okqjl …while PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN rode 56:47 for 17th +++ The comeback has begun – injury-hit GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL takes 13th in the 1/2/3 race at Benenden, Kent on Sunday… http://tinyurl.com/n3e42 …followed by 6th at Palace on Tuesday, with STUART ‘EASY PEASY’ SPIES three places behind him… http://tinyurl.com/mhsya +++

IT’S TANGO-VER
The last drop of sugary orange-coloured liquid has been drained from the can, which means there is just enough time to thank everyone who sent stuff in for this issue. Always remember that we are a medicinal-flavoured Dr Pepper and we would be nothing without you, our classic R. Whites Lemonade. So please keep Dyna-mailing your news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘PEPSI CHALLENGE’ BUIST to the address in the “from” field of this message – or simply hit your reply button. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as we place the can on the ground to flatten it with one brutal stomp, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES

SATURDAY
9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

SUNDAY
8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.

9am: Hampton Court bridge, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and a carton of Um Bongo.

WEDNESDAY
7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride to Chertsey, back via Weybridge, 28 miles.

So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.

The DYNAMITE! team.

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DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #103, 09.06.06
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+++ Having a blast every Friday +++ Dyna-mail race reports, news, views, and gossip to dynamite@londondynamo.co.uk +++ Have a peek at our pics – http://tinyurl.com/ppkxg +++ Check out DYNAMITE! on the web – go to http://www.londondynamo.co.uk and click the “newsletter” link +++ WEEKEND WEATHER: Sat, sunny, 27C max, wind SE 13mph; Sun, sunny, 28C max, wind SE 8mph +++
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YELL FOR LEATHERS
+++ Dyna-management are calling for outriders +++
To their exhausted rivals, some of the barmy blue, black and orange army often appear to be shooting off on a motorbike as they effortlessly power away in a Dyna-massive gear – but this week race secretary MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT is looking for members who really do ride with something hot and throbbing between their legs as he begins putting together a landmark event for the club. That’s right, Dynamates – this season will see the first ever Dynamo-organised road race, which will require a number of outriders to keep the competitors in check with a few firm parps of their horn. It could be time for Cyclefit’s veteran biker and stern rulebook enforcer PHIL ‘NO NONSENSE’ CAVELL to dig the mothballs out of his leathers! This edition of your favourite Dynamatic update will also remind you to get involved with another major Dyna-management project, the Summer Social, and we’ll reveal the inside story of how a quartet of Dynamates secured a podium finish for their team-mate at the latest round of the National Criterium Series – but first let’s rev up the Ducati so you can get up to speed with the club’s bid to organise a South East Series event. It’s time to put on the mirrored shades…

SHAKE UP THE FIELD
+++ Car packed with milky sports beverage for Dynamo race +++
The HQ is booked, the webpage is up, and recovery drink guru STUART ‘POSTAL’ JEFFREYS has agreed to bring the For Goodness Shakes! logo-emblazoned car along to shamelessly plug his wares… http://www.forgoodnessshakes.com …which means that the much-anticipated inaugural London Dynamo Summer Road Race is finally going ahead. It’s history in the making, Dynamates! Come along to race and sample Stu’s delicious product at Staplefields, near Crawley, West Sussex, on Sunday 23rd July… http://tinyurl.com/nxcsv …or volunteer to help out. Event co-ordinator MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT is looking for Dyna-marshalls, drivers for cars on the course, motorbike outriders, judges to film the finish and, of course, those all-important cake stall operatives, so Dyna-mail him at martingarratt@londondynamo.co.uk if you can offer your services. He’s going to need all the help he can get!

GET WIN THERE!
+++ Simmonds is latest to confirm attendance at booze-up +++
Panicked RICHARD ‘WIN ‘EM’ SIMMONDS Dyna-mailed his favourite weekly Dynamesque publication this week fearing it was too late to put his name down for the club’s eagerly-anticipated drink and pizza evening. Well worry not, pal, because accommodating event organiser PAUL ‘ALL BLUE’ HARKNETT is still taking RSVPs. Our inbox has been filled with responses from across the Dynamo spectrum, so send a Dyna-mail to the address in the “from” field of this message with “Summer Social” in the subject heading if you fancy mingling with a vast array of your club mates at the Guinea in Bruton Place from 6:15pm on Thursday 29th June… http://tinyurl.com/gcdqj. It’s going to be the event of the season!

GP APPOINTMENT
+++ Dis-Spence-ing strong medicine to PCA at Hillingdon +++
Always keen to shine the spotlight on others, self-effacing elite TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT dropped DYNAMITE! a line about WARRICK ‘SPEEDY’ SPENCE’s impressive top three finish at the 50-mile E/1/2 Hillingdon GP on Saturday… http://tinyurl.com/ntgsu. Dynamo’s quiet man worked with MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT, GAVIN ‘NO LYIN’ RYAN and RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT to help bring back a break before another move went with Warrick in it. The might of Malcolm Elliott’s PCA squad came to the front, stringing out the bunch as they reeled in the Cyclefit sensation’s group – but the damage had already been done. Tom reveals: “It took PCA a fair while and some of their riders started to drop wheels, despite some verbal ‘encouragement’ from one of their leaders.” Keep it clean, gentlemen! The former Solna Avenue resident adds: “I thought Warrick would have blown all of his energy but he seemed to have plenty left and made the move of the day, beating PCA’s Tony Gibb in the sprint to take 3rd. It was an awesome result, given that the two PCA riders in the break with him were Gibby and Malcolm Elliott, while the guy who came 2nd, Mariusz Wiesiak of Team Nippo, is a pro who won the Archer GP this year.” Nice one, fella!

THE BOY CHUNDER
+++ Paine’s technicolour yawn at crit +++
There was plenty of Dynamo action at Palace on Tuesday, with WILL ‘SEE YA’ HAYTER coming 8th and DAVID ‘PINKY’ GARDENER 9th in the 3/4 race before compact mechanic SAM ‘SLAM DUNK’ HUMPHESON nabbed the No.8 spot in the E/1/2 event… http://tinyurl.com/moa5y …but the Dyna-magic sprinkled over the results sheet was overshadowed by what IAN ‘KING OF’ PAINE deposited up the climb. The pressure was on for the Balham wham-blammer to keep up with the ferocious pace set by Tom White of Kuota, who created a 30-second gap which lasted for half of the big boys’ race before he went on to on to win. Sadly, 1st cat fireball Ian had an off-day, as his race mate STUART ‘EASY PEASY’ SPIES testifies: “Coming down to the bottom corner, I saw Ian spit something out. Thinking it was a Powerbar gone wrong I thought nothing of it – but the little Glendene junior who was behind him looked horrified. Then, dear Lord, Ian let rip up the climb, spewing out his entire bodyweight in front of the already disturbed lad.” Woah, fella! Fellow competitor CHRIS ‘VAN CHADDERS’ CHAPMAN, who has previously witnessed Ian urinate while freewheeling, pondered to his pal TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT the following day: “Is there any limit to the bodily functions he can perform while riding a bike?” As you might have guessed, poor old Paine didn’t make an impression on the top 10, but DYNAMITE reckons he deserves some credit for carrying on after chundering, getting edged out onto the grass on the next lap, and still managing to finish. In Stu’s awestruck words: “He reached a new level of scary. The man is ridiculously strong!”

…AND A FEW ‘MO THINGS…
+++ Dyna-masseuse KIMBERLY ‘CANUCK’ KABATOFF finishes 4th in her age group at the Weymouth Middle Distance Triathlon with a time of 5:34:25… http://tinyurl.com/ewaw6 …and thanks PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN for sorting out her “hydration system issues” +++ Ladies secretary PETA McSHARRY finishes the 109-mile Gran Fondo Cymru in 8 hrs and 14mins, with LLYR WYNN-JONES clocking in ten minutes ahead +++ Aussie ‘Mo BRENDAN ‘ROBBIE’ MOYLAN completes the 105 miles of the Beaumes de Venise/La Ventoux sportive in 7:49:23 – pic in the gallery soon +++ At the MoD circuit in Chertsey, PAUL ‘MONTY’ DELAHUNTY’s early blast in the bunch sprint nabs him 2nd in Saturday’s 3rd cat race… http://tinyurl.com/hyg6m …with MICHAEL SNEYD two places behind – and GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL comes joint 12th in the E/1/2 event +++ STUART ‘EASY PEASY’ SPIES 3rd in Beastway masters category on Wednesday… http://tinyurl.com/k95o4 +++ Just past our deadline, WARRICK ‘SPEEDY’ SPENCE lands 3rd at Wednesday night’s Crawley Crits… http://tinyurl.com/z5ste …more details next week +++

HARLEY DAVIDS-GONE
We’re just about to roar off on our big chopper, which means it’s time to thank everyone who contributed to this issue. Always remember that we are a production-line Yamaha, and we would be nothing without you, our hand-built Triumph. So please keep Dyna-mailing your news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘BORN TO BE WILD’ BUIST to the address in the “from” field of this message – or simply hit your reply button. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as we head out on the highway, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES

SATURDAY
9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

SUNDAY
8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.

9am: Hampton Court bridge, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and a bushy moustache.

WEDNESDAY
7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride to Chertsey, back via Weybridge, 28 miles.

So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.

The DYNAMITE! team.

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DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #104, 16.06.06
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+++ Having a blast every Friday +++ Dyna-mail race reports, news, views, and gossip to dynamite@londondynamo.co.uk +++ Have a peek at our pics – http://tinyurl.com/ppkxg +++ Check out DYNAMITE! on the web – go to http://www.londondynamo.co.uk and click the “newsletter” link +++ WEEKEND WEATHER: Sat, sunny intervals, 24C max, wind NW 6mph; Sun, sunny, 25C max, wind SW 10mph +++
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RECORD AND REWIND
+++ Zipping through history to find out if Simmonds is the best ++++
Dedication, dedication, dedication, that’s what you need – and it was those words, originally sung by a certain jovial kids’ TV presenter, that were ringing in the ears of KIMBERLY ‘CANUCK’ KABATOFF as she witnessed RICHARD ‘WIN ‘EM’ SIMMONDS propel himself to 1st cat at the latest round of the South East Series in Wadhurst, East Sussex… http://tinyurl.com/hu4jo. Regular readers will already know that the mighty ‘Mo began the year with a blank 4th cat licence, and this prompted his Dyna-masseuse to suggest on the forum this week that her client’s swift accumulation of points has set a record. That’s some claim, luv! And like the ever-knowledgeable Norris McWhirter, DYNAMITE! has risen to the challenge of identifying whether or not Rich really is a record breaker. Opening up the Dynamo history books, we see that last year’s high-achiever GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL also reached the giddy heights of 1st cat – but he rules himself out of contention by starting the season as a 3rd. Sorry, pal! Going further back, TOM ‘HUMBLE’ HEMMANT made his 4th cat debut at the second Beginners’ Series race on Saturday 28th February 2004, and following umpteen manglings of his surname on results sheets, a win at Crystal Palace on 29th June of that same year gave him a 1st cat licence. Tom’s journey from 4 to 1 took 17 weeks and two days, which, sadly, means he loses out to Richard who took 16 weeks and one day. Well done, buddy – the editorial team is doing a Roy Castle-style celebration tap dance just for you! The former useful junior, who bridged an early gap with Rob Hurd at Sunday’s 81-mile E/1/2 race, reveals: “I knew that if I could finish in the top 10 I’d get my 1st cat points, and I managed 10th by the skin of my teeth. I suffered like mad, but I’m really pleased. Just a small matter of 300 more points to get to elite!” He’s got one year, four weeks and six days to get an upgrade, because that’s the current record set by Tom. Not that we’re counting, fellas! Talking of records, a time trialling Dynamate has set a personal best near his hometown this week – some come with us to find out if the whole sporting world would applaud it, or if the McWhirters, mmm, would record it. Here comes the trumpet solo…

LEEK PERFORMANCE
+++ Callinan on form in northern TTs ++++
He’s been plagued by mystery cramps for some weeks – so you can imagine the delight of Staffordshire pitbull PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN when he shaved a massive three minutes off his personal best at the Mercia CC 25 on Sunday. Dynamo’s honourary president was 4th at the time trial in Fradley, Staffs, clocking 53:44… http://tinyurl.com/pxbaj …and his intrepid trip beyond the M25 reaped more success on Tuesday when he attended an event hosted by Matlock CC, whose 400-strong membership makes it the biggest club in England. Paul, who came 2nd at the 10-miler in Rowsley, Derbys, with a time of 22:02, reveals: “It was the first anniversary of my dad’s death, so what better way to help my mum take her mind off it than to drag her out in the rain with my brother and watch me hammer up the A6?” It must have worked wonders! Making a swift exit to avoid an argument after also controversially placing 2nd in the handicap, Paul went on to blow his £45 winnings at Den Engel, the only Belgium-themed pub in his hometown of Leek. He says: “The menu of beers is based on the lines on a velodrome, so we worked our way up and down a few times. What a way to celebrate!”

BLOOMIN’ MARVEL
+++ Spence on podium at Crawley – with curiously-placed flowers +++
Cyclefit sensation WARRICK ‘SPEEDY’ SPENCE impressively bagged 3rd place at the elite Crawley criterium race last Wednesday, just hours after our copy deadline had passed – but the editorial team was pleased to have waited a week after seeing the Covent Garden fastman flanked by “the two young ladies”, as a couple of girls are mysteriously described in this caption… http://tinyurl.com/qhcgq. And why has he got a bunch of flowers velcroed to his wrist? Answers to the usual address…

MUDDY BRILLIANT
+++ Three top 10 places for MTB duo ++++
Knobbly-tyred lover WILL ‘SEE YA’ HAYTER has already proved he can do it all night – and the man who partnered STUART ‘EASY PEASY’ SPIES’ at a 24-hour mountain bike event in southern Spain three months ago has now shown he can go it alone by taking 3rd at Sunday’s Bristol Bikefest six-hour solo race. Click “6 Hr Open – Men” at http://tinyurl.com/hzfjs for the evidence. Will reveals: “It was an excellent singletrack-laden course, although the roots and rocks combined with riding a hardtail left me feeling as if someone had taken a piledriver to my lower back by about hour four.” Ouch! The off-road wonderlad got another boost in his preparation for next weekend’s Mountain Mayhem when he came 5th in the sport category at Beastway, while his 24-hour pal Stuart pulled off an impressive result in the masters… http://tinyurl.com/jkkrb. The affable South African had finished 3rd during the previous two weeks at Lea Valley’s Wednesday night meet, which made him determined to show his hand as part of a five-strong leading group. He admits: “I decided they were weak minnows and needed to be crushed, so I launched my bid for glory and rode into every tree.” Unbe-leaf-able! Realising his error, the 2nd cat sensation edged up to 3rd before walloping into a back marker, costing him two places and earning him a bit of verbal from a furious VCL rider. Stuart says: “I chased like a maniac and got onto the wheels of the leaders before passing them right on the final tricky climb. Then I chased 1st-placed Simon Turner from Freeborn but ran out of track. Thankfully, 2nd was in the bag. Yaaaaaaay!”

CORNISH PASTING
+++ Kenneway hits tarmac in west country crit ++++
Five days before bagging his marvellous MTB result, Stu found himself lost in Cornwall during the opening time trial of the Cyclelogic/Penzance Wheelers Two-Day, with poor old RICHARD ‘PLACING’ MASON suffering a similar fate and GORDON ‘KEN-A-LIKE’ KENNEWAY puncturing. Curses! KEN BUIST’s doppelganger had more bad luck in the crit that followed when he hit a beacon carefully placed in the middle of the course, leaving him with minor injuries and damage to his bike – but Richard managed to show the west country a bit of Dyna-magic by out-sprinting a battalion of Certini riders for the No.3 spot. Nice one! The 3rd and final stage – a road race – saw Stu and Rich take 9th and 10th respectively in a bunch sprint after Gordon’s long, lone breakaway effort came to nought. Bad luck, pal! Richard ranked 7th in the final GC while Stu finished 13th overall and Gordon came 19th. Stu admits: “Rich did bloody well, even though it wasn’t the most successful weekend for everyone.” You’re underselling yourself, buddy!

WITTS’ BIT
+++ Small item for Marmotte hotel room availability +++
Finally, JOHN WITTS has got in contact to say he has a hotel room available for the Marmotte – and it’s 200 yards from the finish line. Send a Dyna-mail to the address in the “from” field of this message if you’re interested and we’ll pass it on…

DOMINOVER
The last domino of a vast, intricate display has been toppled in a Japanese warehouse, which means there’s just enough time to thank everyone who contributed to this issue before a Guinness Book of Records representative declares this to be a new world record. Always remember we are a cackling Kris Akabusi and we would be nothing without you, our skirt-throwing Cheryl Baker, so please keep Dyna-mailing your race reports, news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘ON-THE-SPOT’ BUIST to the address in the “from” field of this message – or simply hit your reply button. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, before we can attempt to break the unimpressive record for most number of users logged into the Dynamo forum, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES

SATURDAY
9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

SUNDAY
8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.

9am: Hampton Court bridge, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and as many musical instruments you can play in 60 seconds.

WEDNESDAY
7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride to Chertsey, back via Weybridge, 28 miles.

So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.

The DYNAMITE! team.

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DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #105, 23.06.06
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+++ Having a blast every Friday +++ Dyna-mail race reports, news, views, and gossip to dynamite@londondynamo.co.uk +++ Have a peek at our pics – http://tinyurl.com/ppkxg +++ Check out DYNAMITE! on the web – go to http://www.londondynamo.co.uk and click the “newsletter” link +++ WEEKEND WEATHER: Sat, sunny intervals, 23C max, wind SW 7mph; Sun, sunny intervals, 21C max, wind NW 6mph +++
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JUST NET FAIR
+++ Unaccountably popular sporting event keeps marshals at home +++
When it’s not wading through the reams of brilliant Dynamo results spewing from the fabled ticker tape machine, this periodical’s editorial team spends most of the day re-watching all 15 volumes of Sean Kelly: King Of Comedy on DVD while surrounded by signed posters of 1963 Milk Race stage winner Keith Butler – but this week DYNAMITE! was reliably informed that the world outside of its famous soundproof bunker in the bowels of Dynamo Towers is engrossed in another sport altogether. Sounds fanciful? Well brace yourselves, Dynamates, because apparently the nation’s mental wellbeing currently rests on the abstract notion of 11 celebrity husbands and boyfriends shunting a leather bag of air around a German stadium. We thought this was pure fiction until we emerged blinking from our hermetic HQ and travelled to Crystal Palace, where the race organisers were left scrabbling around for marshals after Tuesday’s host club decided they were staying at home to watch the Global Soccer Cup, or whatever it’s called. Honestly – the cheek of some people! Thankfully, a number of riders agreed to do the job so the races could go ahead – which was just as well, because a certain hirsute ‘Mo ended up hairing around the tricky 1km circuit to score his best result of the year so far. So come with us to south east London and celebrate the lad with the long locks getting one in the back of the net. Here comes a mighty ‘Moxican wave…

SHORTCUT TO SUCCESS
+++ Unstoppable break mysteriously slips past pack at Palace +++
Where on earth is he? That’s what diligent domestique ANDREW ‘COALFACE’ STRONGE might well have been wondering as he soft-pedalled at the front of the pack and policed the breaks to let team-mate ROB ‘THE SAINT’ JEFFROY extend his lead at Crystal Palace. Unbeknownst to Andrew, the safety-conscious race organisers allowed the five-strong break to use the “slip road” in front of the signing-in desk to pass the main group during the 23-mile 3/4 race – which meant the bunch didn’t even realise they’d been lapped! Shortly after ponytailed Rob romped across the line to claim 5th, compact mechanic SAM ‘SLAM DUNK’ HUMPHESON nabbed the No.6 spot in the E/1/2 event… http://tinyurl.com/l96fu …which was ample compensation for getting dropped from the break. The self-styled “thrilla from Herne Hill-a” whizzed off afterwards with barely a word to DYNAMITE! as he wanted to “catch the second half”. What on earth was he talking about?

YOU BLUE IT
+++ Harknett misses out on Brighton run +++
Social secretary PAUL ‘ALL-BLUE’ HARKNETT was another ‘Mo who was dropped this week – and he never even got to see the pack at the start. The early bird turned up at East Sheen at 5.15am on Sunday to meet SAM ‘SPORTIF’ WOODHOUSE for a Marmotte training run to Brighton organised by the Pearson crew – but he couldn’t find his fellow Dynamo committee member at their designated meeting place. The anxious Axiom rider tried unsuccessfully to call Sam and hung around for a while before asking someone at a nearby cashpoint for the time. Paul reveals: “He confirmed the worst. I had accidentally touched a button on the side of my alarm clock, putting it back an hour – a handy device once a year.” Whoops! As a penance, he went on the 8am Surrey Hills ride and did four laps of Richmond Park, clocking up 110 miles. Sam, meanwhile, kept up with the thumping pace of the 40-strong group and had a slap-up feed at the Regency café on Brighton seafront before heading back. Hope you brought a bacon butty back for Paul, mate!

WEALD-ING POWER
+++ Hayter’s race knowledge pays off +++
Meanwhile, over in Kent, keen tactician WILL ‘SEE YA’ HAYTER lived up to his Dyna-moniker by saying “cheerio” to the pack at the Sevenoaks Weald 3/4 road race. The MTB maestro had been part of a successful break when he raced the course earlier this season – and he repeated the formula on Sunday by attacking up the drag on the second of nine laps with five other riders. The heat got to Will, who admits: “I felt like I was riding through treacle on legs made of lead when it came to the sprint.” But he nevertheless managed to stay away with the leading group to take 4th in the 62-mile event… http://tinyurl.com/p8cme. Nice one!

IN IT TO WINNAT
+++ Trek through famous Peak District pass for Polka Dot quartet +++
Committee member SAM ‘SPORTIF’ WOODHOUSE sent us this pic… http://tinyurl.com/18r …taken shortly after his triumphant finish of the epic 106-mile Polka Dot Challenge, which took place three weeks ago. Sam, pictured right, tackled eight major climbs, including the dreaded Winnats Pass, finishing in 6hrs 22mins. He says of the event, which starts in South Manchester: “We got lots of amazed comments that we had come up from London.” That’s the effect the glamorous blue, black and orange livery has on others!

THAT REE-LY HURT
+++ Former prez and Simmonds felled in West Sussex +++
Finally, DYNAMITE! would like to send a brief get-well-soon message to former club president Guy Andrews, who came down in the 1/2/3 Giles Ree Memorial in Warninglid, West Sussex, on Sunday. The Dynamo founder member, now riding for Rapha, was taken to hospital after another rider snagged their jersey on someone else’s bike while trying to get past on a fast descent. The crash also brought down RICHARD ‘WIN ‘EM’ SIMMONDS, but 18th-placed GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL… http://tinyurl.com/nez6k …reports that the point-gobbling marvel got off relatively lightly. So there’s no excuse for hopping back on your bike and getting that Elite license pronto, pal!

…AND A FEW ‘MO THINGS…
+++ Last chance to confirm your attendance at the Summer Social – send a Dyna-mail to the address in the “from” field of this message if you want to come to the Guinea… http://tinyurl.com/gcdqj …at 6.15pm on Thursday, with pizzas from 8pm +++ Triathlete KIMBERLY ‘CANUCK’ KABATOFF finished 15th out of 46 in her age group at the UK Ironman 70.3 on Sunday, notching up 12th best bike time of 3hrs 44mins over hilly 90km course +++ JOHN WITTS completed the 127-mile Quebrantahuesos sportive in the Spanish Pyrenees with a time of 8hrs 15mins, finishing 3,781 overall among the 8,000-odd field. His 72-year-old pal Dave Stanton clocked 8hrs 50mins, making him 4,785 overall +++

FINAL WHISTLE
You think it’s all over, well it is now, which means there’s just time to thank everyone who contributed to this issue before we head to the communal showers. Always remember that we are that entertaining chap who does robotic dancing and looks a bit like MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT, but we would be nothing without you, the talented potato-faced Merseysider who loves his grannies. So please keep Dyna-mailing your race reports, news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘HAND OF GOD’ BUIST to the address in the “from” field of this message – or simply hit your reply button. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as the crowds shuffling out of the stadium mutter “we woz robbed”, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES

SATURDAY
9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

SUNDAY
8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.

9am: Hampton Court bridge, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and a season ticket.

WEDNESDAY
7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride to Chertsey, back via Weybridge, 28 miles.

So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.

The DYNAMITE! team.

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DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #106, 30.06.06
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+++ Having a blast every Friday +++ Dyna-mail race reports, news, views, and gossip to dynamite@londondynamo.co.uk +++ Have a peek at our pics – http://tinyurl.com/ppkxg +++ Check out DYNAMITE! on the web – go to http://www.londondynamo.co.uk and click the “newsletter” link +++ WEEKEND WEATHER: Sat, sunny, 29C max, wind S 6mph; Sun, sunny intervals, 30C max, wind E 6mph +++
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MAG-NIFICENT GESTURE
+++ Top-selling periodical gives Dynamo free publicity +++
Every Friday morning, this humble publication is fortunate enough to exercise a virtual monopoly on the attention of a select cycling audience – so the editorial team is understandably reluctant to publicise prominent paper-based periodicals which might replace DYNAMITE! in the end-of-the-week, light-read-and-a-latte ritual enjoyed by literally several Dynamates scattered from Soho to Dubai. Or at least we were until a certain Bath-based publishing house made us an offer we couldn’t refuse. That’s right, media-savvy reader – for just this one edition, we are officially endorsing Cycling Plus, or C+ as it’s known to its close pals such as us. A leaflet plopped onto the mat of our famous soundproof bunker in the bowels of Dynamo Towers this week trumpeting a “great offer” which had us intrigued. It appears we have qualified for a “special subscription invitation” to “test ride” three issues for a fiver and get 25 per cent off for the rest of the year. What a bargain! The “testimonials from happy readers” were persuasive, especially that of the geographically anomalous Paul Morris of Stuttgart (“One new reader gained! My wife reads it too!”) – but the Cee-Plussers proved they really know a thing or two about great advertising by including this inspiring photograph next to their enthusiastic recommendations… http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/forum/album_pic.php?pic_id=282. Now that’s the kind of publicity the Dynamo committee just can’t buy! Compact mechanic SAM ‘SLAM DUNK’ HUMPHESON – for it is he in his trademark blinging white gloves at last year’s Excel crit – couldn’t stop chuckling behind the counter of A Certain Hampton Wick Retailer when he found out how his image is bringing the barmy blue, black and orange army to an even wider audience. And talking of spreading the word, another ‘Mo has been sprinkling a bit of Dyna-magic over the Welsh valleys with a brilliant podium finish – so come with us for a limited period only as we reveal for the bargain price of nothing at all what happened. Here comes the deal of a lifetime…

SAINT JUDGED AND THE DRAGON
+++ Surprise decision robs Jeffroy of Welsh win +++
It’s the moment every sportive rider secretly dreams will happen – not simply finishing with a decent time, but actually beating masses of other riders to the top spot. And that exquisite feeling was experienced by none other than ROB ‘THE SAINT’ JEFFROY, who saw off around 1500 other competitors to land the No.1 spot on the provisional results of the Dragon Ride. According to race officials on the day, the Ealing wonderman completed Sunday’s arduous 100-mile loop from Bridgend, South Wales… http://tinyurl.com/n35vb …in a winning time of 4:53:22, almost seven minutes ahead of the 2nd-placed rider. Incredible stuff! Committee man SAM ‘SPORTIF’ WOODHOUSE and the 10 other ‘Mos who also completed the Welsh expedition through the Brecon Beacons… http://www.londondynamo.co.uk/forum/album_pic.php?pic_id=281 …gave victorious Rob hearty pats on the back when the good news came through – but sadly, the hirsute hero didn’t feel like letting his hair down in celebration when he returned to London. It appears the final results differed in one important detail, as the judges decided to award 1st place to a previously unlisted bloke called Alastair Davis who seems to have relegated Rob to 2nd by a mere 43 frigging seconds. Unlucky, pal! Dynamo’s courteous road user was left to ponder how different things might have been had he not observed two red lights going into the finish. If only he had followed JOE ‘CHEEKY BEGGAR’ STEGERS’ example!

SIX APPEAL
+++ Mason is highest-placed of half-dozen ‘Mos who finished stage race +++
Speaking of the Highway Code contravener, Joe might well have been praying for a red light to appear when he cramped up during the first stage of the much-anticipated Pearson’s Cycles Jaunts on Friday evening. The 13-mile individual time trial in Withyham, East Sussex, saw RICHARD ‘PLACING’ MASON set out his stall early by finishing 11th with a time of 34:05… http://tinyurl.com/japzy …while DAVID ‘DORIAN’ STREULE came 13th. Not to be outdone, sprint sensation JUSTIN ‘ON A WHIM’ SIMS took 4th at Alfold on the 71-mile 2nd stage of the Surrey League five-day event as his team-mates got stuck behind a nasty crash. Rich finished 7th on day three after getting in a break with soft-tapping Graham Wood of Crawley CC, which forced him to do two laps of the 61-mile Leith Hill course with no help. What a ride! With Joe bowing out and MARTIN ‘PIN-UP’ WILLIAMSON having retired after Stage 2, GAVIN ‘NO LYIN’ RYAN and the five other remaining members of the Dynamo contingent were left to brave Crowhurst in the lashing rain. Drenched MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT reveals: “There was a route change at the last minute due to road works – and this is the roughest, narrowest Surrey League course. To make it even worse, the rain masked huge pot holes and man hole covers.” Water disaster! The diluvial conditions scuppered Justin’s chances of breakaway glory in the penultimate lap when his two companions slid on a corner, leaving him on his own – yet the determined lad still managed to bag 7th place after being swept up by the bunch. Nice one! The final stage at Ellens Green saw Dave and RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT get in a useful break before everyone came back together for the mass gallop, which saw Justin place 3rd. But it was Richard’s strong time trial and 7th place at Leith Hill that got him 9th place on the final general classification… http://tinyurl.com/kjg5d …making him the highest-placed Dynamate in the event. Have a rest, pal – you deserve it!

EVANS AND HELL
+++ Hayter beats family member from rival team in gruelling MTB challenge +++
It took 20 hours of riding with just 45 minutes sleep to cover 120 bumpy off-road miles – but after 21 laps, exhausted MTB maestro WILL ‘SEE YA’ HAYTER finally climbed off his bike at the Saab Salomon Mountain Mayhem Bike Festival in Ledbury, Hertfordshire. Now stats amazing! The knobbly-tyred tearaway finished 30th among the 110 solo riders at Europe’s biggest 24-hour mountain bike race… http://tinyurl.com/qsmtx …and he was especially pleased to beat an unnamed Evans rider who happens to be his cousin. Will admits the race at the weekend was the hardest he has ever done my a long chalk, but adds: “Things were occasionally livened up by STUART ‘EASY PEASY’ SPIES overtaking me while shouting incoherent encouragement.” That sounds just like the affable Saffa! Stu, who was riding the team event, nabbed 7th place at Beastway the previous Wednesday after he was momentarily stalled by his chain popping out – and he was reunited with his hardtail chum Will when he returned to Lea Valley’s dirty circuit this week to take 3rd in the masters… http://tinyurl.com/ekrrh. Crazy Hayter, meanwhile, nabbed 5th in the sport category and credits a massage from KIMBERLY ‘CANUCK’ KABATOFF for getting his muscles back in working order so soon after his mammoth ride. There’s gonna be a queue for a rub-down!

…AND A FEW ‘MO THINGS…
+++ On-the-mend RICHARD ‘WIN ‘EM’ SIMMONDS gears up for E/1/2 road race comeback with 25-mile time trial, posting 55:29 on H25/8 in Bentley, Hants, on Saturday – but TT titan PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN finishes 49secs quicker +++ Dynamette KIMBERLY ‘CANUCK’ KABATOFF finishes her first 25 in 1:08 at Sunday’s Century CC event in Ware, Herts +++ IAN ‘KING OF’ PAINE takes 8th and GORDON ‘KEN-A-LIKE’ KENNEWAY nabs 10th at the Crystal Palace E/1/2 race on Tuesday, while JAMIE MOULDING gets the No.10 spot in the 3/4 event… http://tinyurl.com/ryx85 +++

OFFER ENDS NOW
The money-off vouchers have run out, which means there’s just enough time to thank everyone who contributed to this issue before the till closes. Always remember we are constantly slashing prices, but we would be nothing without you, our bargain-hunting consumer. So please keep Dyna-mailing your race reports, news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘BOTTOM DOLLAR’ BUIST to the address in the “from” field of this message – or simply hit your reply button. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, before anyone asks for a refund, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES

SATURDAY
9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

SUNDAY
8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.

9am: Hampton Court bridge, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and a money-back guarantee.

WEDNESDAY
7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride to Chertsey, back via Weybridge, 28 miles.

So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.

The DYNAMITE! team.

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DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #107, 07.07.06
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+++ Having a blast every Friday +++ Dyna-mail race reports, news, views, and gossip to dynamite@londondynamo.co.uk +++ Have a peek at our pics – http://tinyurl.com/ppkxg +++ Check out DYNAMITE! on the web – go to http://www.londondynamo.co.uk and click the “newsletter” link +++ WEEKEND WEATHER: Sat, sunny, 23C max, wind SW 12mph; Sun, light showers, 22C max, wind SW 23ph +++
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BLOODY HELL!
+++ Huge upset caused by badly-timed news of transfusion claims +++
Unlike certain forum-dwelling ‘Mos who remain ambivalent about the issue of drugs in sport… http://tinyurl.com/qw339 …your favourite law-abiding Dynamatic update was deeply miffed by the new Tour de France scandal, mostly because the news of an alleged blood doping ring broke just as our last issue hit the streets, thereby depriving us of a topical theme. The latest editions of prominent paper-based periodicals also look noticeably out-of-date, thanks to their in-depth interviews with all the race favourites who have since been told they’re not actually taking part. But as you can see from the blue, black and orange-clad figure at the centre of the banner ad in the following link, at least one mag can console itself with the thought that it’s using one of the cleanest riders in the sport to flog its money-off subscriptions deal… http://tinyurl.com/k2jlb. …just as its stablemate Cycling Plus did last week. And anyone who doubts SAM ‘SLAM DUNK’ HUMPHESON’s commitment to staying clean only has to look at the well-scrubbed cassette on the compact mechanic’s snazzy Seven! Sadly, other Dynamates have chosen to sully the name of the cycling club considered to be the capital’s premium blend, so fill up your coffee mug and prepare to witness a roasting as we reveal what’s sup. Here comes the usual load of mocha-ing about…

YOU’VE BEAN NAUGHTY
+++ Use of performance-enhancer spotted at MoD +++
Surrey League bigwig Keith Butler raised an eyebrow at Chertsey on Saturday when he spied CHRIS ‘CALAMITY’ CAMPBELL passing DYLAN ‘GORDON-A-LIKE’ KENNEWAY a pill-shaped treat which actually contains a substance restricted by the UCI. What a scoundrel! The West Ken warrior and the 3rd cat debutant were each shamelessly gobbling one of Caffe Nero’s delicious chocolate-covered coffee beans before the 65-mile race began – but the joint 10th placers discovered a rush of caffeine is no replacement for wily positioning on the MoD circuit’s long finishing straight. Hapless Campbell found himself leading out the mass gallop and cramping Kenneway was swamped, leaving feisty Aussie PAUL ‘MONTY’ DELAHUNTY to make a magical, McEwen-like teleportation from the middle of the bunch to the front, enabling him to steal 2nd… http://tinyurl.com/lx884. Bonza, mate! Incredibly, the sprint sensation went on to take 4th at Chilham in Kent the next day… http://tinyurl.com/gy8oo …while RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT finished two places behind him in the 62-mile 2/3/4 race and JOE ‘CHEEKY BEGGAR’ STEGERS took 12th. Well done fellas!

HEAD FOR THE HILLINGDON
+++ Garratt’s call for marshals +++
It’s that time of year again, Dynamates! The club is due to provide marshals for Hillingdon this Tuesday, so Dyna-mail race co-ordinator MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT at martingarratt@londondynamo.co.uk if you can help the club do its bit by offering your assistance. And here’s a map so you know where you’re heading… http://tinyurl.com/ptdv7.

WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT!
+++ Hayter snaps frame in road accident on way back from crit +++
There was a sprinkling of Dyna-magic at Crystal Palace on Tuesday with mis-spelled RICHARD ‘MAROW’ MASON taking 6th and GAVIN ‘NO LYIN’ RYAN finishing 9th in the fragmented 25-mile E/1/2 race… http://tinyurl.com/fbr6e …but special mention must go to WILL ‘SEE YA’ HAYTER whose magnificent efforts ended with a misadventure. The mountain bike maestro launched a thwarted late attack in the 3/4 race, narrowly avoided getting spat out the back, nabbed 9th, and was rewarded with a snapped frame on the way home courtesy of a motorist ignoring a no-right-turn sign in Tooting… http://tinyurl.com/h4ol7. Thankfully, Will only suffered a few bruises and grazes. So he should be back at Palace in no time!

IT’S ABOUT TIME TRIALS
+++ Delayed item from newsletter newcomer +++
Finally, our apologies to time trialler DARREN HINCKS for overlooking his Dyna-mail in our bulging inbox last week. The weekday warrior has spent the winter training with ED ‘THE MAN’ McKINLEY – and he posted a time of 55:59 at the recent Zak Carr memorial 25, despite having to stop top put his chain back on. Happens to the best of us, pal! The DYNAMITE! debutant asks: “With regards to my Dyna-moniker, the only thing I can think of is “The Hammer”, which probably sounds pretentious but carpentry runs in my family, so perhaps it’s OK.” We’ll put it to the editorial board pronto!

GROUND OUT
Our beans have been ground until they squeaked, which means there’s just enough time to thank all of this week’s contributors who poured their boiling water into our cafetiere of piping hot news. Always remember that we aim to be a heady brew, but we would be nothing without you, our Magnus Maximus… http://tinyurl.com/gy63f. So please keep Dyna-mailing your news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘COLUMBIAN’ BUIST to the address in the “from” field of this message – or simply hit your reply button. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And we promise to mention something about WARRICK ‘SPEEDY’ SPENCE’s superb win at Guildford, which took place just after our deadline. So now, as we slop out the dregs at the bottom of the coffee pot, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES

SATURDAY
9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

SUNDAY
8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.

9am: Hampton Court bridge, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and an aromatic Costa Rican.

WEDNESDAY
7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride to Chertsey, back via Weybridge, 28 miles.

So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.

The DYNAMITE! team

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DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #108, 14.07.06
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+++ Having a blast every Friday +++ Dyna-mail race reports, news, views, and gossip to dynamite@londondynamo.co.uk +++ Have a peek at our pics – http://tinyurl.com/ppkxg +++ Check out DYNAMITE! on the web – go to http://www.londondynamo.co.uk and click the “newsletter” link +++ WEEKEND WEATHER: Sat, sunny, 23C max, wind E 10mph; Sun, sunny, 25C max, wind E 10mph +++
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TREND SWEATERS
+++ Hard-riding ‘Mos enjoy 80s revival +++
In a confusing world where trends change faster than the wearer of the yellow jersey, it’s comforting to know that a decade familiar to us all is currently undergoing a popular revival across Britain. Fashions from twenty years ago have even invaded the lower ground floor of Dynamo Towers this week, with Mrs Dynamite digging the mothballs out of her ra-ra skirt while DYNAMITE! types these very words with a pair of deeley-boppers bouncing atop of its bonce – and as you would expect from the capital’s most craze-conscious club, a number of Dynamates have been keen to jump on the bandwagon by participating in an aspect of 80s’ culture that is even more synonymous with the era than the Rubik’s cube, Jim Bowen on Bullseye, or STUART ‘POSTAL’ JEFFREYS’ trusty Cougar. We’re talking, of course, about the dubious joys of mountain biking, first popularised in the decade that taste forgot and enjoyed last week by four notable ‘Mos – one of whom walked off with his most satisfying result of the season so far. So adjust those oversize specs and get ready to punch in the stats on your combination digital watch calculators as we reveal the results that are tastier than a packet of sherbet dipdabs. Here comes the chatter of the telex machine…

NO MONKEYING AROUND
+++ Rival’s gaffe fails to halt unstoppable Spies on way to victory +++
While chewing the fat with RICHARD ‘PLACING’ MASON on the way back from Palace last week, this publication was intrigued to hear that STUART ‘EASY PEASY’ SPIES told the ginger Kiwi that he “really, really wanted” to win a race at Beastway – and less than 24 hours after DYNAMITE! heard that titbit, ever-determined Stu had achieved his goal. The Bupa trooper took his shiny new knobbly-tyred Giant to the Lea Valley circuit, where he initially found himself stuck behind a rider from Orange Monkey who rapidly faded before unclipping, causing Stu and the rest of the pack to jump off. What a hassle! Unaffected by the sudden halt, Dynamo’s affable South African went on to get a healthy gap on Addiscombe’s fearsome Frenchman Sylvain Garde and crossed the line to claim the No.1 spot in the Masters category… http://tinyurl.com/fmj7q …which is his first MTB victory in the UK. Give that man a British passport immediately, Dr Reid! Sadly, RUSSELL ‘RUSTY’ SHORT and DAVID ‘DORIAN’ STREULE were ruled out of contention by punctures – but who was the mystery ‘Mo pedalling around on what Stu describes as a “rather nice Glider crossbike”? Why, it was none other than Cyclefit’s JULIAN ‘WONDER’ WALL making a low-key return to his MTB roots. He kept that one quiet!

HOUSE ABOUT THAT!
+++ Dizzy Paine watches Spence’s triumph at Guildford +++
As a multitude of ‘Mos already know, Cyclefit sensation WARRICK ‘SPEEDY’ SPENCE won the Guildford Town Centre Circuit Race in dazzling style last Wednesday, lapping the chasing group of Malcolm Elliott, Archer GP winner Mariusz Weisiak and Specialized’s Andy Jaques Mayne before out-sprinting Kristian House to the line… http://tinyurl.com/lalfm. The Covent Garden crit king celebrated winning the event for the second year running and snatching the lead in the Elite Men’s Circuit Series – but spare a thought for poor old IAN ‘KING OF’ PAINE, who sent us a dazed précis of the race just hours after he had whizzed around the cobbled 600-metre circuit for around 50 laps to finish 20th. He reveals: “No matter how many people I passed, I always seemed to be last man but one. Then I heard over the commentary that Warrick was away with Kristian House. Some more laps as last-man-but-one, then lapped by Warrick for the first time. Quick glance at my bike computer – four and a half miles done!” Oh dear! Ian was lapped by Warrick again before being pulled off, giving him a ringside seat for the thrilling finish. He recalls: “Up the straight it’s Warrick on the far left, House on the far right. Warrick looks ahead. Looks like House closing – but no, Warrick’s arms are in the air! Absolutely top win in a brutal race.” Good grief – he’s turned into Phil Liggett!

TWO TWOS MAKE COR!
+++ Stunning double at Palace +++
Six days after his gruelling experience at Guildford, IAN ‘KING OF’ PAINE returned to his spiritual homeland of Crystal Palace where he took 2nd in the E/1/2 race, while SAM ‘SLAM DUNK’ HUMPHESON finished 4th after swerving around a junior who came off on the downhill corner. Nice handling, pal! Ian’s 2nd place on Tuesday was nicely complemented by JOE ‘CHEEKY BEGGAR’ STEGERS, who broke away from the much-depleted pack in the dying moments of the 3/4 race to take the No.2 spot… http://tinyurl.com/ldggn. But a special mention must go to DAVID ‘PINKY’ GARDENER for getting plastered at the weekend, not bothering to take any drink with him during the race and still managing to nab 9th place. Now that’s a hardman of the old school!

BE A WHEEL HELP
+++ Driver and marshals still needed for Dynamo-organised race +++
The entry list for the latest round of the South East Series is filling up nicely – but event co-ordinator MARTIN ‘COMEBACK’ GARRATT is still looking for a driver, a car, a line judge and course marshal for the Dynamo-organised race next Sunday. Dyna-mail martin.garratt@londondynamo.co.uk if you can help out on July 23rd – all offers of flash motors will be gratefully received! A prize of £200 will be awarded to the 1st placed rider, going down to £20 for 7th and £10 each for 8th through to 15th. The highest-placed 1st and 2nd cat riders will each receive a pair of Sidi Hi-Tech carbon shoes or a full cyclefit, including footbeds, courtesy of the club’s generous sponsors. That’s a worthy incentive to duke it out with the elites!

KIWI GO AGAIN
+++ Apology for yet another sloppy antipodean error +++
First KEN BUIST, then RICHARD ‘PLACING’ MASON and now PAUL ‘MONTY’ DELAHUNTY – it seems DYNAMITE! has once again wrongly referred to a Dynamate as an Aussie when they are, in fact, from New Zealand. Sorry, pal! Paul also took issue with being compared to Robbie McEwen in our previous edition as the Brisbane bandit “weighs next to nothing” – but despite the differences in build, the editorial team stands by the comparison as the Hammersmith humdinger’s sudden appearance at the front of the pack for the sprint during last week’s 3rd cat race at MoD Chertsey was worthy of the current green jersey wearer himself. So we’re not apologising for that one, buddy!

CRASH AND GRAB
+++ Kimbers nabs points to go up after tumble +++
Finally, DYNAMITE! was pleased to hear that Dynamette KIMBERLY ‘CANUCK’ KABATOFF was back on her bike following her crash at the Parkride – and the Dyna-masseuse nicked two points at the women’s race at Hillingdon last Wednesday, giving her a 3rd cat licence. Nice one!

STOP AND EJECT
The ‘play’ button on the Walkman has shot up with a clunk, which means it’s time to thank everyone who contributed to this issue before we turn over our best of Howard Jones C90 mixtape. Always remember we are a spiky-haired, keyboard-plinking vegetarian, but we would be nothing without you, our bald, miming Jed. So don’t crack up, bend your brain, see both sides, throw off your mental chains and keep Dyna-mailing your race reports, news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU WELL’ BUIST to the address in the “from” field of this message – or simply hit your reply button. Any stories from the Etape or the Marmotte would be greatly appreciated as we haven’t yet received any. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as we wonder what is lo-o-o-o-o-ove anyway, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES

SATURDAY
9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

SUNDAY
8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.

9am: Hampton Court bridge, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and a Betamax recorder.

WEDNESDAY
7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride to Chertsey, back via Weybridge, 28 miles.

So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.

The DYNAMITE! team.

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DYNAMITE! The OFFICIAL London Dynamo Newsletter #109, 21.07.06
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+++ Having a blast every Friday +++ Dyna-mail race reports, news, views, and gossip to dynamite@londondynamo.co.uk +++ Have a peek at our pics – http://tinyurl.com/ppkxg +++ Check out DYNAMITE! on the web – go to http://www.londondynamo.co.uk and click the “newsletter” link +++ WEEKEND WEATHER: Sat, sunny intervals, 29C max, wind NE 6mph; Sun, sunny intervals, 30C max, wind NW 12mph +++
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SUNNY DELIGHT
+++ Editorial team makes a break from the bunker +++
Wading through the reams of brilliant Dynamo results spewing from the DYNAMITE! ticker tape machine and reading the piles of Dyna-mails sent to our trusty Vic-20 are the two most enjoyable aspects of being part of this publication’s editorial team – but by the time you read this, we will have forsaken the simple pleasures of our famous soundproof bunker for the charms of the Great British seaside. That’s right, sun-worshippers – Mrs Dynamite has thrown a few beach towels, her “kiss-me-quick” hat and a tub of industrial-strength sunblock into the Dynamobile for a trip to the coast. This heatwave isn’t going to last forever, Dynamates, and we’re determined to enjoy it while we can! As a consequence of this change to the newsletter’s writing schedule, this edition of your favourite Dynamatic update will try to be even briefer than DAVID ‘DORIAN’ STREULE’s shorts on the training camp – so without further ado, it’s time to climb into a pair of improbably tight Speedos and discover how the baby-faced boy wonder himself proved the recent rigours of the Marmotte had little effect on his racing prowess at the weekend. Let’s dip that big toe into the sea of news…

A WHOLE ‘MOTTE MORE
+++ Crazy quintet do Alpe D’Huez twice +++
In true Parkride style, a recovery pootle the day after the Marmotte turned into a full-on race for CHRIS ‘VAN CHADDERS’ CHAPMAN, PAUL ‘ALL BLUE’ HARKNETT, GORDON ‘KEN-A-LIKE’ KENNEWAY, GAVIN ‘NO LYIN’ RYAN and DAVID ‘DORIAN’ STREULE as they traversed Alpe D’Huez for the second time in as many days. What a bunch of nutters! Daring Dave rode away from his four pals at an early part of the climb but graciously waited halfway so they could all do the second half together – and the fearsome Fulhamite put in another show of strength eight days later by taking 11th at the Drinkwater Marriner Reg A race in Owslebury, Hampshire… http://tinyurl.com/fhyaq. His Mar-mate Van Chadders also took part in Sunday’s 58-mile 2/3 race and was disgruntled that his sterling work in the searing heat only reaped him 17th place amid the fragmented pack. To add to his misery, his name was cruelly omitted from the results of last Thursday’s Surrey League handicap at Kitsmead Lane… http://tinyurl.com/llhbv …even though he swears blind to being “definitely either 9th or 10th”. Take it up with Keith Butler, pal – and when you do, ask why CHRIS ‘CALAMITY’ CAMPBELL is listed as 28th when he wasn’t even there! But at least the ginger lad’s participation in the 35-miler gave him a chance to watch awesome JUSTIN ‘IT’S HIM’ SIMS in action. Chadders reveals: “He’s crazy strong at the moment and drove the through-and-off train in the 2nd cats. We went so fast we caught the 3rds half way and the 4ths with a lap to go.” Sprint sensation Justin says: “The elites caught us on the last lap and I foolishly got stuck on the front towing everyone down the back straight. Fortunately, I kept a bit in reserve and managed to get 2nd after Agiskoviner’s Anders Christensen gave his team-mate Paul Pickup the lead out for the sprint.” Fantastic stuff!

MARSHAL MORE
+++ One more request for help +++
Honorary club president PAUL ‘CANNONBALL’ CALLINAN has slipped a note under the door of our famous soundproof bunker asking us to remind the Dyna-membership that he is looking for marshals. The Kingston killer is looking for two kind volunteers to help out with the Southern Counties Road Race next Sunday – so send a Dyna-mail to paul.callinan@londondynamo.co.uk if you can offer your assistance. Remember, Dynamates, that the club must do its fair share of marshalling to ensure that race organisers continue to let members enter races. It really is that simple!

WHEELY WELL DONE
+++ Snapped spoke fails to halt ‘Mo on Etape +++
Pausing only to congratulate IAN ‘KING OF’ PAINE and DAVID ‘DORIAN’ STREULE for coming 6th and 10th respectively at Crystal Palace’s E/1/2 race on Tuesday… http://tinyurl.com/n4gpy …we end this week’s slightly shorter Dyna-missive with a couple of more notes on the French sportives. PHIL McCUBBINS was forced to remove his rear brake after a spoke snapped on the final climb of the Etape – but with the help of a helpful Spanish spectator and his girlfriend, the plucky ‘Mo managed to angle his bent back wheel slightly to the right of centre which, amazingly, allowed him to reach the finish. Phil reveals: “The wheel still rubbed the frame with any effort strong enough to flex the frame, but I only wore through rubber.” Meanwhile, Dyna-Marmottist DAVID SAMUELS dropped us a note to give us a tip on taking photos on a sportive, based on his experience this year. He advises: “On a hot day, it probably isn’t a good idea to stow your camera down your shorts. It lessens the picture quality and goes ‘click’ on its own. The results are only of interest to Proctologists’ Gazette.” Have you been perusing GUY ‘THE ENGINE’ POWDRILL’s magazine rack, pal?

IT SHORE IS OVER
Mrs. Dynamite is honking the Dynamobile’s horn, which means there’s just enough time to thank everyone who contributed to this issue before we drive down to the coast. We’ll be back next week looking as red as the Saeco team kit, so please keep Dyna-mailing your news, gossip, and further sightings of the elusive KEN ‘DONKEY RIDE’ BUIST to the address in the “from” field of this message – or simply hit your reply button. The deadline, as ever, is Wednesday afternoon for Friday’s edition. And now, as the First Lady of the newsletter unfolds the Collins road atlas, it only remains for us to remind you about…

THIS WEEK’S RIDES

SATURDAY
9am: The Parkride. Richmond Park, roundabout by Sheen Gate. Four laps split into fast, intermediate and steady groups.

SUNDAY
8am: Kingston Gate, Richmond Park. Non-stop ride through Surrey Hills.

9am: Hampton Court bridge, Surrey Hills ride. Fifty-ish miles at a steady pace. Stop at Box Hill for tea and cake. Bring a pump, inner tubes, drink, and a toffee apple.

WEDNESDAY
7.30pm: Richmond Gate, Richmond Park. Steady ride to Chertsey, back via Weybridge, 28 miles.

So until next week, Dynamates, goodbye and happy riding.

The DYNAMITE! team.